You Can't Stay Quiet Forever

E Squared Studios

2010-02-17T17:10:00.005-06:00

Erica and I finally bit the bullet and started our own photography business. Sadly, this blog post may be one of my last, though I doubt anyone's surprised. Between being promoted at chocolatepaper and working there so much and now starting up a new business, I stay busy enough, but I'm also now volunteering with the Taubman Museum of Art with their Sidewalk Art Show and trying to join a few other young professional organizations, too. I like staying busy. Roanoke's been very kind to me and I couldn't be happier these days. So, my lovely blog readers, thank you for everything. I'll be around, though not much on blogger.
While you're on the interweb, do me a favor and check out our new business stuff! You can catch us over at these websites!

www.esquaredstudios.com

www.esquaredstudios.com/blog

www.twitter.com/ESquaredStudios

And we're on Facebook too! Click here.

The second photo is our logo. The first photo is the Valentine's card we sent out to all our friends and family, which includes a 20% discount off your first session with us...so if you want your own, go to the website and sign up for our newsletter, as well as become a fan on Facebook because we'll be posting a lot of fun stuff there too.

Love,
Liz...LC.

Fresh Starts

2010-01-01T14:43:00.004-06:00

It's both silly and understandable when people make New Year's resolutions. They feel that this new year can be a fresh start, a way to make a decision that we can stick with, a clean slate to start over and learn from our past mistakes. People forget that every day is a fresh start, a new day to make mistakes, learn from them, make new decisions.
My blog has suffered lately. I'm an assistant manager at an amazing retail shop and it's holiday season. That means that other than Erica and Jason, no one has really seen or heard from me in the last 2 months. While it's not 100% and I won't get my hopes up, it looks as though I'll be getting promoted soon. I've worked really hard the last 5 months to prove that I'm not just some stupid 24 year old who can't do anything. I think it's paid off--I'm making myself indispensable to my business, ensuring that when they need a photographer, a website helper, a manager, a marketing guru, or even a babysitter, I'm the one they come to and can trust. I think it's worked so far. I've been doing all those things and I can't begin to explain how satisfying it is to work a job I love, to work for great employers, to enjoy conversations with your coworkers and customers. It's not the typical retail job and I'm so lucky for that.
I work really hard when I'm at the store. When I'm at home, I enjoy relaxation, to the point it could be considered lazy. I'm easily sucked into television because it's too cold to leave the apartment. I can say I have no projects to work on because no one's coming to me. But in the back of my mind, I know that warm weather will return and that I have to be the one to make people come to me, because otherwise they won't know any better. I know that I need to shake off the lazy winter blues and start preparing for new things. Things that might (will hopefully) affect me for many years to come. The decision's been on its way, but now there are zero excuses for letting it slide. The holidays are over, which means I'll have a little more free time and hopefully a little more money. I have the right equipment so I can't complain about how I need things and I have projects that are trying to get lined up.
Basically...Erica and I are going to try our hand at our own photography/graphic design business. She knows how to build a brand; I know how to market it and collect clients. As always, we're two halves of a whole--separately, we can't get much done, but together, it'll eventually explode into good things. I know this because it's always worked that way. We motivate one another, work hard on things we enjoy doing, and have the ambition to succeed. We work and play well together. We've always done this and we're now out of excuses to put anything off.
We've got a long way to go. My mother didn't raise an idiot-it's going to be a lot of hard work and frustration, long hours, and little payoff, at least for the first year. I'd love to say that we can take over the field in 6 months, but I know it's going to take more than just a smile and click of the shutter. I fully expect our blood, sweat, and tears to be taken into account. But I feel like we're ready; like this has always been brewing in the back of our heads, but it's only now that everything's falling into the right places. And now we just have to sit down, focus, figure out the exact steps needed, and then...do them. I have faith in us, this endeavor. Erica and I have taken on and achieved too many things for us to fail. We're both too ambitious, too motivated, too smart to just give up.
My blog will suffer (as though it hasn't already). I'll post a link to the new photography blog and website when it's established. I'm ready for this to happen and I'm excited about the possibilities it brings. We both are; I have all the faith in the world for us.

...and then Reality set in.

2009-09-30T11:29:00.004-05:00

I've been working on this post for a while now. I'm sorry for the lack of communication. When I'm not at my store, I'm at my studio. I try to make plenty of room for nice relaxing free time, but that usually involves any and all avoidance with computers.
My grandfather passed away last Saturday afternoon. I got the call while at work. Sunday morning, I left for my mom's house; the second I arrived, we left for my grandmother's in North Carolina. It was what I expected: the wake left us all speechless with the number of friends my Nannie has; the funeral was sad and tearful; the ride was long and quiet; the milkshakes at Varner's were just as delicious as I remembered them; and my mom and aunt together are still the funniest people I know.
I suppose I should be sad. I was sad at the funeral, when my closest cousin gave a speech, mentioning how our Pawpaw used to dress up as Santa for Christmas, torture us with fishing shows on Saturday mornings, and how we all had little secret sayings/riddles/memories with him. But then she mentioned how 14 years ago, he had a heart transplant. How everyday, he had to take 50 pills for the last 14 years. How at night, he could hardly breathe or couldn't move quickly. My pawpaw has been sick for as long as I can remember. 2 months ago, he was diagnosed with lung cancer; the battle overtook him, and he went fast. My Nannie is doing so well. We were all worried, but I think it's been coming for so long that it's just one more thing to adjust to in her life. I can't even believe how well she's doing. She's barely left Brevard in 15 years, and you know one of the things she said to me in private? That she wants to come visit my mother and me and spend a long weekend together. I was warmly surprised, because I know I don't have to cry for her. She's spent her entire life taking care of everyone else, and now she can finally take care of herself. She can leave whenever she wants, take trips to see her daughters and granddaughters; eat when she wants, clean for herself, and watch whatever she wants to on TV.
I had one of those revelations again. You know the kind, where you're sitting at the funeral and realize just how short and small life really is. It hits me even more when I'm at work, listening to other people's conversations. I hear about how a mother has to get her kid to the soccer game/birthday party or when they all make plans to have dinner one night a week. And it reminds me that everything we think is important, usually isn't. I know that I can say "I'll try harder" in regards to family visits, communication with others, and remembering birthdays. And I will, but I'm realistic enough to know it will only last for a short period before my life gets in the way and I forget to check in with reality once in a while.
This isn't a sad post. It really isn't. Life is good. I have two great jobs that allow me to live in an unbelievable apartment, a steady relationship, a silly dog, family close to me, and both best and new friends. I guess it's just when you go to a funeral, everyone's always saying "It's been so long, we can't let the next time we see each other be at an event like this, let's see each other more often!" And you mean it at the time, you really do. But everyone has different schedules and obligations. For example, I'll never have another Saturday off for as long as I work at my shop. So I need to take the weekdays I have off and use them as best I can. While it may mean I'll miss all my nephew's Saturday morning soccer games, it also means that I could take that Tuesday night to spend with him while it's quiet after school and homework, away from chaotic weekends and summer vacations. So that's what I'll do. I just have to use my time to the best of my advantage. I have goals and haven't lost sight of my dreams, but I accept that sometimes reality steps in just to remind me that I can't always live in my daydreams. While I'm 100% certain I will go to Rome, I have to understand it might not be within the next few months. It will take time to acquire the necessary things (you know, like money for the plane ticket). My life has gotten busier, almost as much as my senior year in college, but this time I'm learning something. Where in college, I was so busy I could hardly see straight, this go round I'm appreciating the time I have for myself when I actually have it.
I suppose this is where I'm supposed to say "Carpe diem" and "Live like you mean it" and all those other cliched phrases. But I don't want to--instead, I'll simply remind you to truly enjoy something every day. Doesn't matter what it is. Even if you're having a bad day where nothing can go right, you need to find something that will make you smile. Sometimes, for me, it's a nice conversation with a customer or a wonderful compliment from your boss. Could be sitting on the couch with your dog in your lap...that's usually mine. You are the only person who can let yourself have a terrible day. I know people who have terrible days and still can't be brought down, even if it's hospital stay with a bad head wound after a bike accident, a new mother with breast cancer, elderly people with serious sickness. My grandfather had a lot of terrible days, but he never let it get him down. I never saw him anything but happy to be alive, grateful for his 2nd heart that kept him around for 14 more years with his family. Those people are inspiring and I think of them to get me through every day.
Remember--one thing you truly enjoy every day.
LC.

Crisis Averted.

2009-08-17T12:57:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since my last post. Things have been insanely busy around here--between trying to get the apartment set up exactly how we wanted it, moving the old studio into the new place (working 12 hours a day moving equipment, boxes, and furniture), and shooting weddings and editing photos...it's been a long 2 or 3 weeks. They've been great though. I love my boss and I'm really excited for all the things we want to do now that we're all moved into the new studio. We have a long ways to go for it to be exactly how it should be (for example, we plan on ripping out carpet and putting in new wood floors in the studio part, as well as sorting through all his stuff to see what stays and goes since it's a smaller place), but I'm excited for it. I've got ideas and plans and the best part is that he listens to me, wants to hear my thoughts, and quizzes me about things I've learned. I've already learned a lot just in 3 weeks, about photography and software. The hours are a little hectic right now just because of the move with everything else happening (he also runs a computer business), but I think once the moving in part of things settles down, we can get rolling on the business side of things, such as scheduling high school senior photos, more weddings, and other events. He's got me working on business cards, Facebook page, the website, and other things. I'm even teaching myself HTML/CSS and trying to learn Java. Kinda makes me feel smart!
J had an interview with the Roanoke Times this morning, and has another with a restaurant for their kitchen tomorrow afternoon. I've been concerned about finances the last couple of weeks. I haven't slept in days because I just lie awake thinking about everything--work and all the things we need to do for that, J getting a job, and how we can afford to pay rent and bills. I've never been this broke before in my life, not even in college. The move to Roanoke wiped me out and I was trying desperately to avoid asking anyone for money. I just found out that I still have a small bit of money coming in since I'm really just part time, and that makes me incredibly relieved. I feel like tonight I'll actually sleep because my mind is more at ease.
I've been terrible about keeping up with communication lately, and that's with everyone. I didn't even talk to my own mother for 3 days because I worked until midnight each night, and that's not normal, since we talk every day. I feel like now that we're settled in, I can now focus a little better on keeping up with my friends, because I really miss them. All I've done lately is work and sleep-I've barely even seen Erica in the last 2 weeks, and she lives 2 floors above me!
And already I have to end this post. I have to catch up on all the things I've missed the last few days, like laundry, making a meal or two (I'm now familiar with forgetting to eat), and playing ball with Fisher. Although that will quickly be replaced with designing business cards and website ideas. It's good to be a workaholic again.
LC.

What Day Is It?

2009-07-30T13:11:00.005-05:00

I have been asking "What day is it?" every day for the last two weeks. And most times, the people I ask hesitate because they're clueless too.
It's been a hectic week (two weeks?). J, his mom, and Fisher all arrived safely Saturday morning after splitting the drive in half by leaving the night before. We had lunch and set off to get things moved in. It went faster than I anticipated, thanks to a few helping hands and we were almost completely unpacked by the end of the day. The only things left are my books, which I'm waiting to buy a bookcase for, and some odds and ends, including wall hangings. Mom is coming back up Saturday to do some more apartment shopping, and I'm more excited about it than two weeks ago. We're finally in the apartment, can view how much space is left over, and see the colors that would look best. She loves the apartment, as much as I do. I still can't believe I live here. My new bed is beautiful and I can't wait until the barstools and table arrive to complete the rest of the furniture. It's so quiet at night, and with the giant industrial blinds, it's so dark in the apartment that even when it's 10am, I think it's only 5 or 6 am because there's no sun out yet. Even Fisher seems to love it, now that he's conquered his fear of the tall steps. He's been great with other people outside of the apartment and has even stopped flipping out when he sees other dogs outside. I've even already done a small painting to complement the new rug my mom bought us, and I want to create more so that they complete a series to match the living room. J's already learned how to make chocolate mousse, and different flavors of sorbet, and he loves the kitchen. He hasn't poked his head out of his cookbooks once since we got settled in, but I don't mind. If it's something he's passionate about doing, then I fully support him, as long as it doesn't make me fat.
I have no complaints. Work is good too. I haven't had a lot of hours so far, but the boss got caught up in a wedding album that was due last week and then the studio is moving next door this weekend. But he told me that once that's over with and we're moved in, I can work the hours I want and need, both for myself and to help his business with marketing. We had a bridal shoot last night that went well and I'm already learning a lot (I'm just so glad I took that photo class at Watkins so I don't look like a complete fool). I've come up with marketing ideas he really likes and I know he's wanting to give me responsibilities, both to see how I handle it, and to make sure that he can trust me with his business when he's not around. He tells me how he loves my confidence when I tell him I have no worries about getting along with him, says I'm full of spunk because I always throw my own sarcasm back at him, that I'm intelligent because I catch on quickly and not only ask lots of questions, but write the answers down to study later.
My engagement session was canceled this afternoon, due to schedules and weather. So I better go find something else to do. Assuming I can remember what day it is, of course...
LC.

Hello, Roanoke.

2009-07-17T12:34:00.003-05:00

Wednesday morning, I stuffed my car with suitcases, bags, and boxes, and said goodbye to my house in East Nashville. I went to my favorite coffee shop, Bongo Java, for my favorite iced coffee and bagel (cinnamon raisin with peanut butter, bananas, and cinnamon), and began the long drive home. As I passed 3 Crow, and left 5 Points, it finally hit me: I'm leaving Nashville. I'm no longer a Tennessee citizen. I won't lie--my eyes watered as I waved goodbye to the Nashville skyline. I soaked in as much of it as I could, risking glances back to see the stadium laid out in front of the Batman building. And then I hit the highway, and my view was gone, replaced by long, straight roads back to Virginia.
I pulled into my new parking lot at exactly 5pm. Erica and I got to her apartment, I jumped in the shower and we met her mom and two friends for dinner. As soon as they walked in the door, her mom greeted me with giant hug and "You're a ROANOKER!! You're HERE!!!" She was so excited for me, and we had a lovely dinner full of excited conversation. Erica and I went back to the apartment, stayed up way too late talking, and then it was Thursday morning. I went to the office to sign my lease, did all the remaining paperwork, wrote the last bit of the security deposit check, and was taken to my new apartment to check everything out.
It's more beautiful than I remembered. The living room is huge, with plenty of space for all the furniture. My clothes are all hung in the closet, my bathroom made up as much as possible until I can get the rest of the materials with my mom Saturday. The loft is gigantic; I had worried we would have to squeeze everything in, but I can already see the giant space in the middle to use for playing with Fisher, painting, or yoga. There will even be enough space left by the staircase for me to set up a desk and workspace, so that I can work at home when I leave the studio. I brought my art supplies with me and it's taking some strength not to rip everything out fo the bag to start painting, because I feel so inspired by this place. Everything is brand new. The kitchen is just gorgeous, with stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. There's even more storage than I remembered. I cannot believe I live here. It's the nicest place I've ever lived and I'm pretty sure I could just stay here forever. The first thing I did after I was alone in the apartment was call my mom, apologize because I knew she was at work, but then tell her I simply couldn't wait any longer to tell her how retardedly happy I was and how incredible the apartment is; she passed me around to her coworkers, family friends who I've known forever, and they all said they wanted to visit. I know my mom was happy that I sounded so happy. I told her how excited I was for Saturday; I cannot wait for her to see this place, to go shopping for furniture and decor, and to spend the day together knowing that this can happen anytime we want now, rather than every 5 months. She's an hour and a half from me and I couldn't be more thrilled.
I start work on Monday and I've been compiling a list of things that I need to learn, and marketing ideas that I want to implement for the business. I have an employer, but for the marketing matters, I get to be my own boss and I plan on working my ass off. I'm going to make it so that he can never lose me. I think the way it'll end up working is how my relationship is with Erica--he'll be the brains and I'll be the mouthpiece.
Tonight I'm Erica's 2nd shooter for a friend's wedding rehearsal; tomorrow is with my mom, and then after she leaves we have to go shoot the actual wedding. Sunday is a photo shoot in Erica's apartment, both for practice and marketing purposes, as well as business card ideas for myself. Then I start work and Jason will be here with his mom next weekend, along with B & T, I hope. It's all unbelievable. I just can't wrap my head around any of what's happening right now. It's too good to be true. I'm starting to recognize streets and places around Roanoke and I think I could really enjoy the city. The apartment itself is pure inspiration and I honestly cannot wait to post pictures after my mom has decorated her way through the place. It's going to be even more gorgeous once it's no longer echoing my footsteps. I just keep looking around in awe. I think perhaps I'll go take another walk around, just to make sure it's real.
LC.

Goodbye Nashville.

2009-07-13T23:58:00.007-05:00

It's 11.58pm on Monday night and I cannot sleep to save my life. My brain won't quit whirring away, remembering things I need to do. I had to get out of bed and come to the computer just to write up what wound up being a very long to-do list. I have to finish packing--my clothes are pretty much all done away, but I have to finish the kitchen and bathroom. J wants no part in packing if he can avoid it, but it shouldn't take me long and I don't mind. Basically, I'm taking charge of this and seeing it as an opportunity to throw out things we don't need, don't use, don't want (which funnily enough, I'm finding is a lot of his stuff). Useless utensils, raggedy towels, dinged up pans, and the like are included. I need to write and mail bills, go over the lease papers one more time, and leave J as many instructions as possible so that everything gets taken care of and nothing is forgotten.
Tuesday...now today...is my final day here. The morning will be spent packing as much as possible so that the afternoon can be spent with T&M. Then B comes over for a baseball game and our favorite East Nashville pizza. And Wednesday morning I stuff the car with as much as I can possibly fit, and I say goodbye to Nashville.
This whole situation hasn't hit me yet. I feel like I'm just going home for another visit. To think that after 2 years of being here, I'll be saying goodbye to this city as a citizen for the final time, is still unreal to me. And while I'm not bitter about anything that's happened, it's certainly bittersweet. I had my best friends here Friday night and I couldn't have asked for a better night with these people. Sunday I had a girls' afternoon and after I left M's house, I'll admit I got a little teary-eyed, as I'm doing now just writing this. I hope my friends know that I couldn't have done this, lived this life, without them. They are the reason I gutted through--put up with terrible customers and even worse employers, got up in the mornings after Oliver died, picked myself up after all the falls. I'm not as sad as I was leaving college, though. And I don't mean that because I'm leaving to be closer to home or with a great job; I mean that I feel as though these people here will always be in my life, even if it's through Facebook. I will come back to visit, and they know there's always a space for them wherever I may be. When I left college, I knew I wouldn't see many people again, if ever. But with my friends here, it's different. We're adults, and we have busy lives, but they're all wonderful enough to take 4 seconds out of their day to text or message me just to see how things are going, and I refuse to let the friendships fade away. I don't feel that will ever change. It's different this time.
I drove home yesterday and got my last tour through the city. I'll certainly miss the skyline--it's perhaps my favorite part of Nashville. The stadium against the Batman building with the walking bridge, all lit up at night...it's gorgeous and I've loved it since the first time I saw it. But I took the long way home and recounted the memories-the hotel R&I had to sneak into so we could use the bathroom after a long night of drinking downtown; 4th & Church where my first real job is located; Sommet Center and the Ryman with all the concerts; Titans Stadium for the fun football games; the Italian Marketplace where I took my language classes; and 5 Points, where so many of my favorite places and memories are held.
I'm nervous about moving, about living in Roanoke. I haven't been nervous until recently, when it gets a little closer each day. I worry about getting around without getting incredibly lost; making friends when I'll really only interact with one specific person each day; working 50 hours a week and proving my ass off; trying to find my identity. I'm concerned about culture shock--I had it when I first came here, from a small town to a huge city, where I grew to love unique individuals with tattoos and piercings, crazy hairstyles and even louder outfits. I will desperately miss East Nashville and all the people and activities that came with it. I'm scared that when I go back to southwest Virginia, I will miss the unique people and laidback attitude, and encounter nothing but rednecks and people who I grew to despise in my own hometown. Perhaps I will be the odd one because I dress like East Nashville, talk and act like a city slicker. I'm already bracing myself for the surprised looks I'll get when I say I'm from Nashville and the "Why the hell did you move HERE, then?!" questions. It's funny--I'm not scared at all about the job, I'm in love with my apartment, and yet I'm worried about my own place there, how I'll fit in. Or if I even want to fit in, if I'd rather bring East Nashville back with me and run myself the way I did in college, where I took the microphone rather than melted into the backstage the way I've done the past couple years. I have so many ideas and opinions for the studio and I'm worried he'll think it's too over the top. I feel better when I think about E's cousin, because now we're friends and while at 18, I never saw us seeing eye to eye, now I feel like we get along because I can appreciate her individuality just like I did with people at 3 Crow.
This move feels like a fresh start, and certainly under better circumstances than when I moved here. I have my best friend 2 floors above me and I'm a better person when I'm around her because we encourage each other to catch the moon. I have this amazing job that I could make a career in and I have so many ideas and things I want to bring to the table. Silly as it sounds, my apartment is so great it makes me want to be a better tenant--I'm an OCD person and I know it's going to be really bad there, especially at first because I'll want everything clean and in a certain way. I guess I just feel like everything's finally coming together and while I'm terrified it'll fall apart when I least expect it, I also have to acknowledge that it feels like fate. For my life to come together this way, at this specific time, in Roanoke with this job, I just don't see how it could be anything else.
It's now 12.25, and I'm saying goodbye to Nashville tomorrow. I won't say I'm sad, because that's incorrect. But I'm fairly certain a few tears may escape me as I pass the skyline. No matter--it won't stop me from my future.
LC

One More Week.

2009-07-08T17:22:00.002-05:00

In just one week, I will be moving to Roanoke. Well, partly anyways--I'm cramming as much stuff as I can into the Easter egg to take with me, and then 10 days later J will arrive with the furniture and other items. He's flying his mom in to come help with the moving truck, since he also has to get his truck and the dog to Roanoke as well. It's only a week away, and yet it seems like it's going to take forever. I guess I didn't realize how much time I spent looking for jobs during the day, because now I feel like I have a lot of free time. I've packed as much as I can without blocking my own way--for instance, last night I packed up a huge box of kitchenware, then realized that I had essentially packed most of the cooking items that we may need for the next week (or in J's case, 2 weeks). Luckily, I've been sorting out a lot of things we don't need to take with us, and that includes some older kitchenware that we can use for the time being. The same goes with clothes--I've packed up pretty much everything in my closet and now come to find I'm living out of my suitcase (which really means I'm living in pajamas and gym clothes). I want to wait until the last day I'm here to pack up the bathroom, and then J's on his own. He has yet to pack anything, but once my stuff is out of the way it should be easier for him. Fisher looks so depressed when I start to pack; I think he thinks I'm leaving, never to return. I think I've packed up everything I can right now. I've definitely made progress. And I sold the washer dryer, to be picked up tomorrow evening.
My mom and I have spent a lot of time on the phone recently and I'm finally excited about the actual move. She's coming up the first Saturday I'm there to help me pick out a new bed, along with some other apartment items. I'm really excited for her to see the apartment; she went to the website and told me how jealous she was of my brand new stainless steel appliances. Granted, I'm paying for them, but it's totally worth eating ramen for a month if it means I live there.
I WAS thinking that everything was happening incredibly fast, and now I feel it's going too slow. Now that things are set in motion, I'm impatient, ready to move and live in my beautiful place, and start work. I'm so excited to work for this photographer. The studio is a comfortable space and he and I get along really well. I plan on marketing my ass off for him and learning all the software as fast as possible to prove to him I should be there. I don't think we're going to have any problems, and even he agreed.
This weekend is my last weekend in Nashville. How weird! B and I are taking the "Lunch Tour of Nashville"--which really just means we're going to all our favorite lunch spots to make sure I get my fill before leaving all the best places here. We've already made it to I Dream of Weenie, and today was SouthernBred. Calypso is definitely on the list and I'd like to make it over to West End for Which Which. I'd also like to make it to 3 Crow Bar at least once more. I'm trying to convince B to come to Roanoke with me for a few days, both to help us move, and to get him some new scenery for a bit. Plus it would just be fun and I really like the idea of keeping my Nashville bonds close; it's important to me (you reading this, B?!). I think Friday some people are coming over, both to celebrate and guilt-trip, and I'm both excited and sad about it. I just hope they all know I couldn't have made it through without them.
It's still not exactly real to me yet. I see stuff in labeled boxes, tell anyone I know I'm leaving, and yet it won't be real to me until next Thursday, when I get my keys and can sit in my empty yet amazing apartment. It still might not be real by then. I can't decide if I'm more excited about the apartment or the job. Or being so close to family. It's all pretty nice. I'm going to go ahead and pack more boxes now, because I really am a little too bubbly for my own good.
LC.

This is HUGE.

2009-07-03T12:58:00.005-05:00

I've been in Nashville for 2 years. And if you've read my last few posts, I haven't had the best of luck. I was in Virginia for a week and now have my dream job and an amazing apartment lined up. I can't even get over this. I told you I have better luck in Virginia.
I drove home last Wednesday, stayed with Mom, and we had a fantastic day together Thursday shopping, watching Criminal Minds, and laughing a lot. I left for Roanoke Friday and never stopped moving. We moved Erica into her new amazing apartment at the Cotton Mill Lofts in downtown Roanoke. It's walking distance to all the downtown area and simply an amazing living area. We had a great birthday party for her Saturday night and spent Sunday with family (I'm basically adopted into hers). Tuesday, a photographer I had recently been in contact with called me because I let him know I would be in town, and asked if I could stop by the studio. I did, and ended up there for about 6 hours. He offered me the job as his photography assistant, which means I'll be shooting with him, as well as learning software programs (Photoshop, Quark, Photoreflect, etc.). He also wants me to market hardcore for him, which certainly isn't a problem for me because I'm a champ. He wants to bring in a new, young, edgy feel to his photos and he feels I can also bring that to him. Basically, he wants a Girl Friday, and I told him I was it. Wednesday I even went into work--for about 10 hours, we trained over programs and he saw what skills I had in Photoshop (turns out I'm not a total loss) and got an idea of where we want to go with marketing. It's...this job...I can't even describe it. He's one of the better known photographers in the area and he plans on paying me well. He warned me that I'll probably be working closer to 50 hours a week. I don't mind; I barely notice the time when I'm in that gorgeous studio and I can't wait to get started for real. I'm so excited to work, and to be doing something I love, that I'll move a bed in the studio if I have to. I haven't felt this confident since I was at college; I suddenly feel exactly as I did then, and it feels like the old me is ready to be back in the spotlight.
The studio is 4 blocks from Erica's apartment, and I knew I wanted to live there. I can walk to work in 10 minutes, and it's 2 blocks from Erica's work. So yesterday morning, I met with the staff, looked at apartments, and J and I decided on an amazing loft apartment. It's 1 bed, 1 bath, with an enormous kitchen (complete with brand new stainless steel appliances and washer/dryer) and living room, and a staircase leading up to a simple but spacious loft. It's smaller than what we're used to, but we only really use that second room for storage, and we've got plenty of storage space in the new digs. This place is gorgeous, on the first floor by the lobby doors, and pet-friendly for Fisher. There's a full gym downstairs and the staff are some of the nicest people I've ever met. I can't say enough good things about this place. I drove back to Nashville afterwards and I can still barely believe it. It won't be real to me until I start packing up everything. I have to go back in 2 weeks to sign the lease and get our keys, but I'll stay upstairs with Erica (she's 2 floors above me!) for the few days until Jason shows up with the furniture, and work as many hours as I can to get started. My mom is so excited that I'll only be an hour and a half from her, that she can come up Saturday morning and spend the day with me and go home later that afternoon, like she used to when I was at school. That we can be together and not miss each other desperately, or only see each other 3 or 4 times a year. I'm three hours from my brother and nephews. I worried that Jason was only acting excited to placate me, but he assures me that it's real--it's a fresh start for him and he's even thinking about culinary school. He's ready for a change and I guess neither of us realized how burnt out we were being here until now.
So now I have to get everything organized. I need to clean and pack, figure out what I can do without for a couple of weeks, get boxes and bubble wrap, toss what I can live without. It's all happening so fast that my head is spinning, but I haven't been this high on life since before I moved to Nashville. I feel like karma has given me an unbelievable opportunity: an incredible job along with this beautiful apartment in the same building as my best friend? This makes all the difficult times worth it. I'm dreading saying goodbye to my friends here. I've already gotten two very annoyed phone calls, telling me that despite my good fortune, they wish I weren't leaving. I simply wouldn't have made it the last 2 years here without them, any of them. I hope they know that and I still plan on seeing them in October for a wedding, and whenever they want to come visit me, there's a loft open for them.
My luck is changing. It HAS changed. My brain is buzzing with everything I need to do, but I'm excited. I'm not at all scared and I'm ready to be thrown back into the crazy busy life. I'm moving in 2 weeks and I couldn't be happier. Life is never perfect but suddenly it sure feels like it could be close.
LC.

Homeward Bound, Again.

2009-06-22T15:43:00.002-05:00

I am headed home for an indefinite amount of time. It might just be a week. Or it could be two weeks, or a month. Originally, I planned to come home for my best friend and soulmate's birthday party and the chance to see my mom for a day. It was going to be a long weekend and I planned on being back that Monday. But then I thought about it: I should meet that photographer in his studio while I'm in Roanoke. He said he needed an assistant, and wanted me to drop in next time I was in town. And then I thought some more: What if someone called for an interview and needed me there the next day? It might be a long shot, but I've applied to so many places that maybe, just maybe, I could get a call any day now for an interview. So I figured maybe I should stick around for a while. J and Fisher will probably be very bored, but it feels necessary to me. It's not like I've got a lot going on. I can sit around in Roanoke for a few days just as easily as I can in Nashville. My mom said I could just come back to Danville, or I could even go up to my brother's to hand out resumes there, plus see the nephews. I'd get a little break from feeling so cooped up in the house, in this city, see my family and friend(s), and apply for jobs in person. It seems like a win-win.
So I'm headed home Wednesday morning. My mom took Thursday off, so bets are on us cuddling on the couch together under the same blanket in her freezing basement despite 90 degree heat outside. (It's what we do.) Then Friday I'm headed to spend the whole day with Erica, and her birthday party is Saturday. Sunday is recovery, and Monday I'll meet the photographer and see what the deal is there. I'm almost hoping he tells me I could start the next day, because he's popular there and stays busy, so maybe he'd need someone right away. Even if it was just part time, at least I could earn some good money while still applying and interviewing with other places. I'll help Erica move into her new apartment (/my temporary new apartment as well) and stay with her. We lived together for 4 years in college, so we're not exactly concerned. I think we're both just kinda stupidly excited to "live" with each other again, even if it's just for a week. I plan on working from her laptop, meeting her for lunch downtown where I can walk from the apartment, and seeing who will take my resume when I walk in their door.
There you have it. I'll be around on the interweb, but if you need me in person, you've got til tomorrow night, and then you'll have to track me down somewhere in Virginia. Cross your fingers that my luck starts to change the minute I cross the state lines.
LC.

The Hits Keep Comin'.

2009-06-17T11:32:00.004-05:00

I am usually a fairly optimistic person. Okay, at least a realist. I'm not really pessimistic, unless I'm being super sarcastic, in which case, nothing I say can be taken with serious regard. My mom and I have always said we balance each other, because she is definitely pessimistic. When she says there's a 50% chance of rain, I usually add, "Well, that means there's a 50% chance it won't!" Or if it's pouring buckets, I say "At least we're inside and watching our favorite TV marathons." But she made a comment the other day that hit home--I haven't been optimistic that way in a long time. It's as if after I left college and joined the real world, I became more cynical than ever before.
My mom says I've had the worst luck since I moved to Nashville: when job searching my first two months in, I accidentally got involved in an FBI case and had to give testimony; my apartment was broken into last summer and my laptop and jewelry stolen; 2 weeks after moving into the house here, someone broke the kitchen window and tried to steal the lawnmower (that wasn't ours!); a bug infestation that rivaled the plagues (resulting in my still looking slightly like a scarred up pincushion); Oliver passed away; I got laid off from my job; and last week, some idiot hit my parked car and ran, resulting in a messed up driver's side door and bad alignment, which means a $2000 bill (but luckily, thanks for the help, car insurance). I'm sort of just waiting for the next bomb to drop.
I'm not a complainer. Sure, I like to whine about wanting more money or travel, but I typically enjoy life and all it brings. But when you look at all those things that happened since moving here, it really brings me down a little. And I have to wonder where all my luck went from VA, because I had really awesome luck there. Jobs fell into my lap, as did many other things. I'm hoping that by eventually moving back, I'll get my luck back as well. I feel like this is where I should say, "Well, I know all my problems won't be solved just by moving back." Which is true. But to be honest, I sort of feel like once I move, I won't have the problems I've had here. I'll have a job (since I'm not moving til I have one), I'll have my friends there (as well as my friends here), and I'll be close to my family, which is the number one reason I want to move in the first place. I have no doubt there will be obstacles, but I'm willing to overcome them. But I'm hoping that my optimism comes back. Or at least my pessimism equals up to realism.
Optimism: I WILL get a job soon. I will get a great job and be able to move back to Virginia and see my family and friends while still being in love with my Nashville people. My luck IS going to change!
LC.

Hello Again, World.

2009-06-09T10:29:00.003-05:00

I am officially tired of the job search. I received the fanciest rejection letter ever yesterday from a job I applied for at Virginia Tech. I appreciate the elegance of your denying me employment, VT, but it doesn't make it any easier. I think I'm losing my mind a little from a combination of things: feeling cooped up in the house (to avoid spending money), stressing out about money or lack thereof, and the key clue that I'm losing my mind is that I think I talk to my dog so much that even he's getting tired of me and leaving the room.

I'm trying to move back to Virginia. It was probably obvious in my last few postings since I returned from my trip back, but I'm officially saying it in my blog now. Because I have no ties here and now I have no job, I see no reason for me not to be able to be closer to my family. As I've vehemently stated before, my nephews are my entire world and I want to be able to see them far more often than I do now. When I went back home and then came back to Nashville, I realized that my priorities were not in order, and needed to be. I also feel as though my chapter here in Nashville is ending. I know I wasn't fair to Nashville: I was stubborn to dive in and enjoy it, I picked a lot of fights, and it wasn't until we moved to East Nashville that I really began to love it. Don't take my wanting to move home personally, Nashville. You're simply too far away from where I want and need to be now. You're a great city, full of life, and you've provided me with a lot of culture shock and life experience. But I think my time here has come to an end, and it's time I leave your bright lights and head back. I'll visit; some of my best friends will still be here, with a guest bed and warm conversation.

Obviously, I'm not moving next week. It's going to take time and patience, two things I always feel I lack. I always want things to happen right away, and this is no exception. But since I'm applying to so many different areas of the state, I can't just up and move to one city, because knowing my luck, two weeks later I'll have to move again. So right now, I'm searching long-distance for a job. Once I get a phone call, interview, or possible offer, I'll find a place to live. J says he wants to move, too. I'm worried that he doesn't want to leave Nashville, and that it will lead to resentment and anger against me and the new city, the way I felt when I first moved to be with him. But time will tell, and we'll see how things turn out. Right now, I'm just applying to everything within my limits, and hoping that something works out. I've always had luck at everything--I've always somehow managed to get good grades, leader of this, captain of that. My job at Turner fell into my lap, like most things have in the past. So all I can hope for is that I keep trying hard and hope that the universe cuts me a break and gets my foot in a door.

In the meantime, I'm still living just as before. I have lunches with B, dinner with M, phone calls with E. I take Fisher to the park and get groceries and apply for jobs. I still need to keep from going stir-crazy. My mom suggested I find someplace to volunteer. I would like to volunteer at the Frist Center of Arts, which I might look into, but truth be told, I feel that I need to be responsible and stay at the house to save money and to look for jobs. By the time I get up and work out, it's nearly lunchtime. Then I spend the afternoon looking for jobs and if I run out of steam, I work on writing or art projects. Then the day is nearly over because people get off work and it's time for dinner and relaxing and all that jazz. I've also been writing a lot more, and it sounds silly, but I want to stay responsible and keep doing that, to continue pushing myself. It's good for my mind, and I'm excited about some of my ideas. They may never amount to a single thing, but it keeps my mind active and busy because I get involved with storylines, characters, and scenery until I look up and it's 2am. This new story I've been developing...I'm really excited about it. I've got E helping me with proper Italian names to fit in the storyline. I've watched and taken notes from Neil Gaiman's "MirrorMask" for inspiration. I'm looking forward to seeing how the story develops in my mind.

Speaking of writing, I think I want to get back to that. It's a mental release to turn off the TV, pause the job search, blast on music, and type away a fantasy world that I've created. I think I'll go do that right now. I need a job search break.

LC.

May Scavenger Hunt Photos Post.

2009-06-01T15:50:00.015-05:00

It was my turn to post the list for this month's Photo Scavenger Hunt and now that it's June 1st (if you can believe it), it's time for me to post some of them! So here you are. This will be a pretty long post, but enjoy the photos!

This is "For Mother's Day." This photo was taken many years ago and still hands proudly on my mother's wall at home. Yes, that's me with my mother; I was about 8 years old here and I still love this photo:

I made this mask when Erica visited and we had our photo shoot. It's still my favorite one I've made and hangs on my bedroom wall.
Hobbies:

I couldn't live without my cell phone. It's my means of communication to the outside world, and to those back home whom I love.
Communication:

My new necklace that I love. I feel a bit like a rockstar when I wear it.
Rock and Roll:

I've already posted my physical health photo, but this is my mental health one. I couldn't live without my books. They've always been my escape from reality.
Mental Health:

I love this photo of my brother and littlest nephew. To me, nothing says comfort like family and being loved.
Comfort:

This is the upstairs of my mom's house. Home is, in actuality, wherever she is, but this room has heard hundreds of heartfelt talks, tears, and hugs.
Home:

Because nothing says "Invasion of Personal Space" better than a baby nephew.
Personal Space:

Just because I love Collin's "disco pose" here. And Owen's hands crack me up as well. I'm pretty sure he learned that from his Aunt LC!
Hands:

Because my dog hates to be bored. And he's highly entertaining.
Fun:

It's not clothing, but I simply love the colors of my blue wall and these purple flowers together.
Style:

This is still in the lane of reality, but it never fails to take my breath away and keep me out on the lawn at night, staring at stars.
Vacation:

I missed a couple (sleep, school, funny sign, fav restaurant, glasses), but this has been my best scavenger hunt month to date. June's list isn't up yet, but I'll post when it gets written. Have a great week and keep those cameras out for photo ops.

LC.

I Swear I'm Alive.

2009-05-27T15:07:00.004-05:00

Due in part to my unemployment, I've been quite the hermit lately. Or have I? I've actually attempted to get people together, but our schedules just haven't meshed well lately. We've all been out of town for various reasons. Some people just get caught up in their lives and don't realize they've neglected anyone. I'm trying to avoid that myself. At least being jobless has given me time to catch up with many of my old friends from back home. But I need to see my Nashville people! I'm hoping that this weekend will change that and I can see my Nashville loves whom I have missed dearly this last month. That and I'm getting tired of talking to my dog. I need more response than he gives me and I can only talk to myself so much. But I do feel I've been more of a recluse than usual and I'm hoping I can fix that, or at least give it a little tweak. Granted, I don't really have money to throw around, but I certainly don't mind spending it on dinner for the girls' night out or bringing treats to movie night. Luckily (perhaps the wrong word choice), most of my friends are just as poor as me (!!) and would rather have a cheap way to get together just to spend time with one another. That's what it's about anyways. M, C, and I can sit around and bullshit for hours about nothing, and that's why they're my favorites. We don't really need an excuse to get together, or an expensive restaurant to do so.
I feel like I have news, but that would make me a liar. Aside from applying for 15 jobs a day and watching terrible "Charmed" reruns, I really don't have a lot going on. The Couch to 5K is going fine, though I'm still on Week 1 so I don't have a lot to report besides the gasping for air and incessant need to sit down after ten minutes (that'd be my lazy side).
Dear god, I'm so boring. I suddenly feel like I'm 15 again with nothing interesting to say. I've been considering volunteering somewhere, but then I remember that I spend most of my days in front of the computer trying to be somewhere that wants to pay me. And those days go by FAST. It's already nearly June? When did that happen? As of last week, I've been living in Nashville for 2 years, and I'm in the exact same situation I was in when I moved here--jobless! At least I have friends to get me through this round. Thanks to the 3 day weekend, I definitely have no idea what day it is anymore. I think I'm keeping track based on my spreadsheet of job applications. Gah. I have resumes I need to snail mail to places. Obviously you can see what's consuming what little brain activity I have today. Next post will be more interesting, promise.
LC.

Back to Square One.

2009-05-20T14:14:00.006-05:00

Presenting my May photo scavenger hunt photo for "Physical Health."

It's frustrating to feel like I need to start completely over on my fitness regimen, but it probably needs to be done. I need to wipe the slate clean and start over. I've been so back and forth, up and down, every which direction when it comes to my fitness and exercise routines. I went to a doctor this morning who drew blood to make sure my thyroid is normal (I'm not worried), and then he wants to see me every few weeks to see my progression. I'm not sure how often that can be done just because I still have no job, therefore zero money, but I know I can keep up on my end of the bargain. I'm pretty lenient with myself because I have almost zero willpower when it comes to certain things and easily pass off excuses and "I'll do it tomorrows."
But! Luckily E got me hooked up with the Couch to 5K program which I'm starting this week and next. It's a 9 week program that will eventually have you running 5K within about an hour. I have no doubt it'll be a little gruesome since I hate running, but I want to be committed. I can handle serious walking as well as the elliptical, so this is just picking up the pace more; hopefully my knees can handle it (thank you, years of basketball injuries). She also introduced me to yogadownload.com where you can get all sorts of power yoga for your mp3/iPod which I also plan on doing at least once a day. Add that to the yoga I already do and hopefully I'll be able to keep it up. Considering I really don't have a lot to do during most days besides job hunt, I think if I commit myself to it, I can achieve a lot. I pretty much refuse to make this a "weight loss blog" but I might mention it here and there. I'm also not cutting out carbs completely, but I'm definitely cutting back. I went to Trader Joe's yesterday and got so much fresh stuff--watermelon, mango, strawberries, blackberries, bananas, almonds, hummus, cheese--that I sort of feel like I could live off this stuff all summer. There is simply nothing better than fresh fruit. Yum.
In other news...uh...yea, I got nothing. I have bangs, if that's any excitement worth mentioning. At least I don't feel 12 again (I had those huge puffed up 80s bangs from the time I was about 5 til I grew them out senior year of high school thanks to my mother), but I think I look more rock and roll this time, haha. And I'm completely undecided on this, but if anyone has any tattoo ideas, you can pass them along to me. I've been back and forth on it lately and while it will probably fall through the cracks and never get done, I like to think about what I would get from time to time. I can't ever decide what I would want to have decorated on my body for the rest of my life. Seems like a big decision to me. It would most likely be something music related, specifically to the Doors or Led Zeppelin (lyrics or symbols), or it could be a saying in Italian (a translated verb, for example). I'd also need to figure out where to put it where it couldn't be too easily seen. This may be a phase right now as I've felt restless and caged up the last few weeks, because when that happens, I tend to want to do silly things that are very unlike me.
My poor dog looks depressed. I think he's got the cabin fever. I think I'll start out Week 1 of my Couch to 5K at the park in just a few minutes. Have a great 3 day weekend everyone!
LC.

Priorities.

2009-05-15T12:46:00.004-05:00

While it appears I've been slacking off in bloggerland, I assure you I've been as productive as possible in the real world lately. I drove approximately 25 hours last week round-trip (between 9 home, 5 to Front Royal, 3 to Roanoke, 7 back to Nashville, and various rides in between and around town). It seemed longer than 8 days, but in the best way possible.
Now that I'm back, my mom tells me that it's time to get back to "the real world." To which I reply, "This IS my real world." It's as if because I live so far from home, when I do visit and see everyone like I did, it's a huge privilege. I don't think this should be the case. It isn't a privilege for me; it's a requirement. I should be seeing those little boys at least once a month (every weekend if I had my way), should be seeing my mom more than just at Christmas, spring, and fall, and laughing hysterically with my hoebag in person more than once every 6 months. But because my "real world" is 9 hours away, those things are special occasions and make me value them all the more when they happen. It was a perfect trip home, filled with family and friends, laughing and loving, hugs and kisses. I adore every word that spills out of my 7 year old nephew's mouth; he is every bit of sunshine in my life and I glowed with happiness when he told me I took him on the "best day and errand ever" (picking out his birthday presents), and while playing video games beside him that I was "his favorite aunt in the world, ever" (a feat, with 5 other aunts!). Seeing my 4 year old nephew no longer a baby, but having conversations, watching Owen play soccer and Cub Scouts...I refuse to let another year and a half go by without seeing them. The thought that the next time I see him, he might be turning 9...it's unbearable.
I know some people would blame my trip home for how I feel, but I don't see it that way. If anything, this trip home reminded me of just how much I need to set my priorities in order. I don't know what it'll take, but it requires more trips home. My family is the most important thing in the world to me and it is because of them I am still standing. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about how much I love them, cheesy as it sounds. There are no major decisions to be made; just to be carried out. I won't go into details just yet because I don't know them right now. But I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure that I'm the aunt Owen goes running to at 16 when my brother's taken his car keys away, that I'm the one he visits on Spring Break. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I'm done living my life for other people's happiness, because this trip reminded me of what makes me happy, and changes must be made in order to achieve these goals. It's time to live my life the way I keep saying it should be. I feel energized and determined, and I haven't felt this streak of renewal in a while. Now if I can just get my stars aligned, we can get this thing in motion.
I feel like I've got some pretty good things in the works. E is designing my photography logo, as well as my website, so that should finally put some things in motion. I'm applying to jobs left and right, and just hoping to get a few phone calls back. I've got some spring cleaning to do (ie weed out my closet), and to my surprise I've lost 10 pounds in the last month. (Maybe unemployment suits me?) So I'll be keeping that up. Priorities. It's all about priorities right now and I think I finally have everything in the correct order.
LC.

Photos.

2009-05-13T11:36:00.006-05:00

I don't have a lot of time to write at the moment since I'm currently in the midst of about a hundred different things, but I wanted to post photos. I know I need to post photos from the April scavenger hunt but I was such a slacker. But most importantly, I wanted to post some from my trip home. I was gone for a week, have been back for approximately 18 hours, and already miss it desperately. But here you are. The little ones are my nephews (and if they're holding Lego cars, I must tell you, I put those together and it took me flippin' forever), and that view is from my brother's back deck and I'm in love with it. At night, it's dead silent and dark and really increases creativity as well as thoughts, including prioritizing. I have some others I want to include, but they'll be in my May scavenger hunt post at the end of the month. I've also got the usual "Hoebag" one of me and E, because I simply must.
LC.

May Scavenger Hunt List

2009-05-01T11:34:00.003-05:00

Happy May Day! It's a new month, which means it's time for a new photography scavenger hunt list. I'll be posting some of the April photos up here this weekend, but I wanted to go ahead and get the list up for this month. I'm pretty excited about it and determined to get all 20 done.

1. For Mother's Day (anything you choose--your mom, a friend with their mom, etc, etc.)
2. Your personal space
3. Glasses
4. Hobbies
5. School
6. Mental Health
7. Physical health
8. Vacation
9. Something new (as in, an item you've never seen before that moment)
10. Funny sign or store
11. One of your favorite restaurants
12. Communication
13. Comfort
14. Hands
15. Sleep
16. Rock & Roll
17. Instrument
18. Home
19. Style
20. Fun

Don't forget... The Rules:
Avoid cliches! Think outside the box... far, far outside the box if you want to.

New photos only! Posting a photo you took before today is cheating. Honor code.

Have fun! (and then get that photo for the hunt!)

LC.

Not Quite There Yet.

2009-04-29T10:31:00.002-05:00

It's been 2 weeks since I became unemployed, and as one of my latest entries revealed, it's not exactly the most terrible thing in the world. I'm sure I've watched entirely too much television, but at the same time, I've started writing again and have gotten some creative ideas for photography and painting. I've applied to what jobs I can, and I even went and applied this morning to a bunch of jobs within the Nashville Metro School System. I wouldn't mind teaching art to 1st graders! But since I have a Bachelor's in English, it might head that way towards teaching English. Which is fine, because I've always had that little backup plan stored in the depths of my brain, just in case becoming a famous rock star didn't pan out. My mom has always told me she thought I'd make a great teacher and while I don't really have a whole lot of patience, I think actually enjoying teaching others about literature or art would kind of even out the aggravation. At least, that's my idealistic hope. We'll see how it goes should I actually get a position in the school system. Tennessee's apparently got a great program where they put wannabes through the license and certification programs even if you've never had experience, so I suppose that works just as well as going through 4 years of school to get the same thing.
In happy, wonderful, joyous news, I'm going home next week! J and I had a long discussion over the weekend and he made the point: this will (hopefully) be the last time this happens, and I may not get another opportunity to have this time off again. So while I have the (essentially paid) time off, I'm going to squeeze in a long trip home. This will be the longest trip I've taken since...well, since college. I'll leave Monday morning and go straight to my mom's house, and she got Tuesday and Wednesday off from work so we can shop and hang out together. I'm so excited to see her! I haven't seen her since Christmas. Thursday I'll leave to drive up to Front Royal to see my brother and sister-in-law, and my NEPHEWS!! I've been missing my nephews' hugs since October of '08, which is far too long. They live 5 hours from my mom, so there's never enough time to make a visit up there. Front Royal was my home for a good 3 months and I miss it everyday. I can't wait to see them, and it's right before Owen's 7th birthday, so I'll get to celebrate his little party, too. Then Sunday I'll drive back down to Roanoke and spend the night with my hoebag and stay with her Monday. Then I'll be back Tuesday. Maybe. I'm so excited to go home and see my family. Of course, when I get back, that means it's mid-May (eek!), so I'll really have to start hardballing with the job search. But it will be so worth it just to see my brother again and have our 1am conversations.
J goes home tomorrow through Sunday, so I have to figure out how to occupy my time the whole weekend. I'm obviously alone at the house most days, so it's nothing new. I'm headed over to T&M's for a birthday Friday but will more than likely be home by 8 or 9, and I'd like to get a girls' night, or just some sort of get together Saturday night, but it depends on everyone's plans. I haven't seen a few of my friends since my birthday, a month ago, and that's just unacceptable. They're a huge reason this unemployed round is so much easier to handle, but in order to enjoy their company, I sort of have to see them.
It's time to go work on my next great novel. And wait for time to crawl by to get to seeing my family next weekend. In addition to waiting for someone to pick up the phone to let me know they simply could not get through another workday without me in their offices.
LC.

My Photo is in a Nashville Map.

2009-04-24T15:45:00.002-05:00

One of my photos from the Cheekwood Botanical Gardens here in Nashville was picked for the Schmap Nashville. Essentially, this is a map of Nashville and all it has to offer, and I was lucky enough to get browsed and picked! If you want to check it out, here's the widget below (good luck figuring out how to get to the actual photo. I have no idea. I think I'll attach it at the bottom so you can see which one was picked):

Yahoo!
LC.

The Life of the Unemployed.

2009-04-21T12:35:00.003-05:00

I could get used to being unemployed. Despite my lack of paychecks, I really enjoy the sleeping in, watching movies, and general lazing around. But that's just in my downtime. The past few days have gone sort of like this: wake up around 9, enjoy a bowl of cereal and feed Fisher, look online for jobs and apply to those not scam-tastic, then do some yoga and low cardio courtesy of ExerciseTV. Then it's a light lunch and time for the sneakers to come on and this is where Fisher does his happy dance. We go to the park for a walk around the lake and then to the dog park (today I'll be bringing bubbles and his red ball. Dog loves his bubbles). Then we come home and hang out til it's time to start working on dinner. Granted, some days differ depending on whether I have laundry (like today), or need to run errands. But running errands (i.e. stamps, groceries, etc.) means spending money, so I've been doing my best to avoid that.
I've been thinking about what needs to get done that isn't job related, as far as my own goals go. I want to start writing again, but there are a few things I need to get situated in order to do that. I also want to retry my hand at knitting. I want to add to my scrapbook, which leads me to making sure I get plenty of pictures for all the occasions: the scrapbook, the Scavenger Hunt Challenge each month, and to keep progressing on my own as a photographer. One of my goals this year was to sell one or more of my photos, and I can't do that if I'm hiding in the house all the time. But at least it's free for me to do that.
I won't be unemployed forever. And it's not for lack of trying either--I've applied to a bunch of different things and have yet to hear back from anyone. It's no one's fault; the economy is terrible right now. I don't blame anyone for it. But that doesn't mean I'm just sitting around expecting paperwork to fall into my lap, either. I've contacted who could help me, gotten numbers and recommendations from people, and generally just tried to put myself out there as a hardworking member of society. While I have no idea what may constitute as a future career, I know what I don't want to do, which I suppose is a start.
I do know that I need to stay busy. When I get bored, that's when I create havoc for myself. People are lucky I'm responsible, or I would've just blown all my money and gone backpacking in Europe or something since I really have nothing better to do at the moment. But that would be irresponsible and I'm rarely of that breed, so in Nashville I stay. My sister wants to fly me down to Florida to hang with her for a few days but I think that still falls under the irresponsible category, unfortunately. I feel like I have to stay here, not just to save money, but to be available should something come up. What can I say? I'm a slave to the paycheck. But until the next paychecks come rolling in, for now I guess I'll be satisfied with sleeping late, walks at the park, and tending to my own hobbies. Though if I could get rich off this blog, I wouldn't be opposed. Just sayin'.
LC.

San Diego.

2009-04-16T14:54:00.004-05:00

Some pictures from San Diego! I have no idea what orders they're in anymore, so let's just figure it out! The one of me is with Brent, the birthday boy, and the reason we're all dressed up like nerds because he had to theme it Revenge of the Nerds. The rest are on the plane (over Arizona..cool patterns, right?!), and from the Zoo of course!

Laid Off.

2009-04-14T12:34:00.004-05:00

I got laid off from my job yesterday. Specifically, three of us got laid off. My initial reaction was of course, shock and disbelief. And crying. Oh, there were tears. We were told there would be "restructuring of the marketing and sales departments" and we were no longer included in that restructuring. After I gathered myself, I got mad. I was livid. I've been at that job for 14 months and I've given it every bit of hard work I could. And it just wasn't good enough. But the fact is, some people are giving 5, 10, 20 years of their lives to companies that can no longer afford to keep them, either. So I threw my stuff in a box, talked to HR about severance and unemployment, and walked out without a second glance.

I was still in shock when I got home. And I was pretty bitter. But the more I thought about it, the more relieved I am about the whole thing. Here's a secret: I hated my job. I felt ignored, underappreciated, disrespected. I was a number there and no matter how hard I worked, it was never going to be good enough. Yesterday was the first time my boss had said more than 3 words to me in almost a month, so it makes me think that he's had this planned for quite some time. I understand that employers have to do unpleasant things in order to keep their company afloat.

I feel I'm being an adult about the whole thing. I didn't scream or fall apart (I mean, I cried, but I didn't make a scene.), I didn't try to storm back into his office and give him a few choice opinions of what I thought about the whole situation. And when I handed in my key, picked up my box, and walked out the door, the tension melted off my shoulders. I don't feel the weight of the world on them anymore. I mean, I'm a little nervous, but I know how to be smart about my finances, both now and for the future. In the meantime, I'm spending my non-working time going to the gym (where I don't have to fight anyone for a treadmill), hanging out with the friends that are around (B and I already got our licenses together and had breakfast this morning, and T wants me to come over later to complain together), spend lots of time with Fisher outside and at the dog park (he's already thrilled that he's not crated all day), and maybe work on some of my goals I laid out for my birthday, like learning new recipes and practicing Photoshop. So I'm looking on the bright side, taking advantage of the downtime, and getting back to basics. It's going to be okay. And in the meantime...if anyone needs a hard-working, sarcastic, entertaining marketing/photographer/writer type person, you should contact me!
Persevering,
LC.

Abruzzo, Italy.

2009-04-07T13:43:00.004-05:00

I am not Italian. My blood runs Irish, as the rest of both sides of my family. In fact, I am the only person in my Italian class that has no Italian heritage. Many are taking the courses to talk with their Italian grandmothers and other family members. I just wanted to learn a beautiful language. That was it. Perhaps I am Italian at heart. But not by blood.

Right now, we are all Italian.

I don't pray. I am not religious, I don't read the Bible, and I leave the room when I think people are getting too pushy about their religious beliefs.

Right now, we need to pray for Italy.

In case you haven't heard, a terrible earthquake struck L'Aquila, in Abruzzo, Italy. The news is devastating. Hundreds hurt, and the numbers of those killed are rising far too quickly. Already now they are up to over 200, when last I heard it had been 50. I read a heartbreaking story of how two sons found their mother's body shielding their disabled father under the rubble. The homeless are up to 50,000 and rising. People are sleeping in cars if they have them, and fresh water and food are scarce. Volunteers are digging people out of the rubble and I can't imagine the heartbreak families are going through right now.

Abruzzo is about 50-60 miles east of Rome, and as soon as I heard the news Monday morning, I immediately emailed E to make sure he and his family and friends were all right. Luckily, they are. He wrote that the tremors woke them up in the middle of the night. I managed to breathe a sigh of relief for him before I started praying for the victims. Disasters like this can't be prevented or avoided and perhaps that is why it's the most tragic; there is nothing, nothing that can be done to avoid such tragedy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has pledged to build a new town, and I hope he holds to his word, but it will never be the same. The medieval architecture is destroyed and can never be replaced.

The National Italian American Foundation has set up a special relief fund, and donations from the US are tax deductible.

The Croce Rosse is the Italian Red Cross, and is taking donations online.

I have Italian class on Thursday and I know that Patti and the class will want to come up with something, anything to help. I wish I could go over there and volunteer my time and efforts. Because despite my lack of Italian anything, I am affected by this because I know people close by, because I feel so tied in with the culture and people. Because I am human and in times like these, we must all work together to overcome the struggles.

Io prego per lei Italia.

LC.

Birthday Gifts.

2009-03-29T14:44:00.005-05:00

I wanted to document my whole list of 24 things I want to do before I turn 25 next year. I went and got all my scrapbooking materials yesterday and started already, and I'm really excited to see everything once it's put in there. I've got all sorts of ideas and ways I want to show off my goals and accomplishments. While the first page is dedicated to the actual list itself, the next page will be solely featuring my birthday gifts and notes I received. I wanted to include some of the photos here as well.
I received many cards from family. I went home Friday to find not one bouquet of flowers, but two! The "birthday cake bouquet" is from my brother, sister-in-law, and nephews. The huge bouquet in the vase? From Rome! Even the card was in Italian and it made me laugh to think of the flower shop trying to write it all out correctly and wondering what it meant. I also received one of the funniest gifts I've ever gotten, and naturally it was from my hoebag. She painted the picture of us from New Year's when we were excited about Rome, and naturally she painted it on Italian colors. She's clever like that! I also received my amazing Vera Bradley bag from my mom; she got me the purse, wallet, wristlet, and makeup bag for Christmas, and knew how badly I wanted the messenger bag to carry my camera and other things in. And inside were all sorts of goodies! All matching blue and brown of course, because SHE is definitely too clever! I'm really excited to take the bag with me to San Diego next weekend. And I also got an amazing smelling candle from M, ("vanilla birthday cupcake") which Fisher flips out at whenever we light it. And of course, shots of Fisher, my birthday present from J, and also because he's adorable and a total ham for the camera.
So there you have it. The best birthday ever! I'm so excited for this "new year" and to chronicle all the things I have planned. It's going to be amazing and I can't thank you all enough for the birthday wishes and support. You're just the best.
Have a great week, and I'll talk to you after San Diego if not sooner!
LC.

A Birthday List.

2009-03-27T09:23:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers, Elise Blaha, does a little list each year for her birthday of things she wants to do before her next birthday. I think this is such a great idea that I want to take a page out of her book and try my own list. While mine won't be nearly as fancy as hers, I think it gets the point across. So here it is, my list of 24 things to do before I'm 25. I have 365 days to do all the things on my list:

24 Things to Do While 24:
1. Sell at least one of my photos
2. Visit a state I've never been to
3. Go to Italy
4. Have an actual conversation in Italian, no matter how retarded I sound
5. Buy a new camera lens
6. Learn more Photoshop
7. Shoot a wedding
8. Do at least one thing that would usually scare me (give blood, for example)
9. Fix my iPod/iTunes on my Mac
10. Start and finish a large painted canvas to hang on the wall
11. Learn new recipes
12. Read at least 5 new books
13. Write at least 3 short stories
14. Find a new favorite restaurant
15. Sign up for a cooking class
16. (Re)Learn yoga
17. See Erica's Taubman Museum of Art in Roanoke, VA
18. Enter a photography contest
19. Visit my Nannie in Brevard, NC
20. Go to a casino
21. Write, photograph, and document my real-life comic strip
22. Complete the photography scavenger hunt each month
23. Make more blog friends
24. Document this list! (whether in a journal or on this blog)

Making this list was actually harder than I thought, but I'm glad I did it and now I can go back and see what I want to achieve in the next year. So here's to a wonderful "new year." Good luck to anyone else with their own lists!

Happy Birthday to all the other March 27 babies out there!!
XO,
LC.

Overcoming the Struggle.

2009-03-25T14:30:00.004-05:00

Hey.

So I've been struggling lately. My blog has been severely ignored and I apologize for the lack of communication. I haven't been interested in talking with many people; I've had no desire to live outside of my house. I'm still grieving over Oliver. And because I've been down and out over him, this has made life difficult in every other aspect, including work, my friendships, and my relationship. I can become angry or simply fall apart at the smallest things. I've taken it out on anyone who will come close enough to talk to me. I've ignored phone calls and emails and feel scatterbrained because I'm so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start. I know I'm not myself. It's the smallest bit easier every day to move on, but I still can't look at his photos without tearing up or talk about him without taking a deep breath to prepare myself for the onslaught of emotions I'm bound to encounter.

We got a new dog this past weekend. He's a Jack Russell terrier that we named Fisher. He's cute as a button and about as different from Oliver as two sweet dogs can be. Fisher is hyper, constantly wanting to play, stubborn and shy. Oliver wanted nothing more than to plunk himself down on my lap and chill out, and I always had a fear he'd accidentally walk away with a stranger. Fisher might be a lap dog eventually, but not yet. He can hardly sit still, and he chooses to lay in his crate than with me on the couch, which I admit hurts my feelings, as silly as it sounds. I've been trying really hard, but a few times a day I catch myself thinking of how Oliver would never behave or do something like Fisher does. I know that's not fair to Fisher. He's a good, sweet dog who is trying to get adapted to his new surroundings. It's been 4 days, hardly enough time to get over the confusion he must be going through. He's been taken from his farm family and thrown into a house with strange noises and hopeful owners, and I know logically that he will never live up to my memories of Oliver because they are not the same dog.

I can't keep comparing them. It's unfair for everyone involved. I worry that we got a dog too soon. But J loves him and I'll admit that seeing him so excited when I come home is something I dearly love. I just worry if he's my dog. Because right now, he seems more like J's, constantly following him around and jumping up with him in the chair. Mom suggested that after a while we get another dog if Fisher is up for it. I'm considering it. At least then I know that I'd have saved 2 dogs from loneliness. And maybe helped ease my own.

I'm impatient and that makes the whole situation worse. I want everything to speed up--both the grieving process over Oliver and Fisher's getting comfortable in the house with us, among other things.

And then I read two blogs today. Two of my closest friends have somehow gotten into my brain to write to me about not just grief, but living life. M wrote this about loss. And then E wrote this about not just grieving over loss, but moving on and living your life.
The thing about being depressed...no one WANTS to be this way. No one wants to feel this sad and empty. And I know that this won't be forever. I won't let it get to me like that. I won't let it win. I've been through tough times before in my life, and in the end, it worked out certain ways for a reason. It's my (24th) birthday Friday and even though I could care less, for some reason I feel like I'm owed a good day. March just hasn't been my month this year and I don't want to feel like the universe is out to get me, but especially not on my birthday. Weird, right?

But E said it best: Life goes on. The world continues to spin and no one stops their lives just because another person loses a dog or a person or a job. And that goes for everyone, including myself. I still have to get up and go to work, come home and make dinner. But I need to be more proactive. I need to paint and write instead of watch TV. I haven't touched my camera in nearly 2 weeks and that is so unlike me. I have a trip to prepare for, research to do. In short, I have a life to live and no one is going to do it for me. As for Fisher, I'm finding we both are pretty similar. We're both stubborn and independent. But we're also both a little lost and trying to get into a comfort zone so that we can move on and enjoy our lives. It may be a bit deep for a dog's life, but I feel it's all the same.

Everyone wants to be happy. But it's not always going to come to you. Sometimes you have to go after it. And when you get it, that can make it even better because you went through a lot of things to get to that happiness. That's going to be me. I don't know when or how, but it will be.

LC.

Pet Adoption.

2009-03-16T10:47:00.002-05:00

Pet adoption and

rescue powered by

We're looking for a new dog. Some might say it's too soon, but I feel differently (and strongly) about it. Sure, I have selfish reasons, like the fact that I want that wagging, happy tail to greet me at the front door everyday. Or that I want a little dog following me from room to room. I'm okay with that.
I want to save another dog. Oliver was lucky enough to be adopted and I want to help another one. I'm a big supporter of pound puppies and adopting. Rather than spending thousands of dollars on some purebred, AKC registered dog, I want to get the one that's unique and just as smart as the "pure" dogs. I want to give my love and affection to another dog who deserves it just as much as Oliver did. I want to offer up a home and my lap. Because all dogs deserve that, whether it comes with AKC papers or a Humane Association training video.
Adopt.

Heartbroken.

2009-03-13T13:42:00.005-05:00

Last night, I went to wash the dishes. Before starting, I heard this terrible retching noise and when I went to see, it was Oliver in the living room. He was vomiting and when he saw me, he looked so guilty, like he knew he wasn't supposed to be sick on the carpet. I was too worried to care. I coaxed him, told him it was okay, and took him out to the front porch. Instead of eating grass, he tried to stand up, swayed, and collapsed. I panicked, called Jason screaming on the phone to come home, and then Teri to get the number for the emergency vet care. No one in East Nashville is open past 6. I sat there with my dog on the front porch, sobbing hysterically until Jason came home and we jumped in the car and headed over to West Nashville. Oliver looked terrible, twitching and lifeless, unresponsive to my begging and soothing. He looked at me like he knew he was dying. After making Jason stop once off the highway, I tried to get Oliver to be sick so he could clear his throat, but it wasn't working. He was like a rag doll. We raced to the pet ER and slammed in, only to be told that they weren't open yet and the doctors weren't there. I fell to my knees, my dog in my arms, sobbing for help. She let us in and we waited, with Oliver on a towel on a chair, me over top of him petting him. I saw the light go out in his eyes, felt his heart stop, felt how cold he was becoming so quickly. Jason refused to accept it. He took him into the exam room when the technician came. I sat there in the waiting room, dully realizing my sweet boy was gone. Jason walked out after a few minutes and I may have looked at him. He pulled me out of the chair and said "Baby, I'm sorry." And I fell apart. I know I wailed and cried, like a mother who just lost her child. Jason went back in to talk to the nurse; I called Erica. After letting her know, I went back in and Jason said we could see him. I went in and hugged his body, kissed his face, rubbed his ears. Jason had to drag me away from him. I left a piece of my heart with him in that room.

I called my mom on the way home. She cried for me. I told her that the technician thinks it may have been his heart. That it didn't look to be anything we could control, because it may have been a condition he already had that we didn't know. I'm terrified to think it could've been something I did. But logically, going over and over the scenario, there was nothing different we did from any other day, and nothing I could've done to prevent this. I know this; it just doesn't make it any easier right now. Once in the house, Jason took up the carpet and threw it out, along with the bed and all of his toys and treats, and put the crate in the back room. The living room looks so empty without his toys all over the floor. The house feels so empty without him clicking through rooms while he follows me everywhere. My lap is empty without him sitting in it. Last night I cried in bed for hours. Then I woke up this morning, looked in the corner of the room where Oliver was supposed to be in his bed, and broke down again. I said just 2 weeks ago after Teri's dog died, that if something happened to Oliver, I'd be in bed for days. I want nothing more than to be in bed, but I'm too scared to be at home alone, after I spent so much time with him yesterday just being together on the couch. I look around my house and hate the silence, hate the feeling that something is missing. I don't want to be at work, where I'm clearly falling apart, but I know that I'd be worse if I stayed home and thought about him all day with nothing to distract me. I'm scared to go home by myself this evening and not have him greet me at the door, tail wagging and doing his dance to go outside. I'm so worried to wake up tomorrow, a Saturday, and not have him laying in bed with me until it's time to get up.

I feel lost. I don't know what to do and I'm still in such shock. His death was so sudden and it's so unfair that this happened. He was the perfect dog. He was well-behaved, smart, funny, and so happy. It was the best 2 months with him. And it sounds so silly--to be this upset over a dog I had for only 2 months. But he was MY dog, and I was expecting another 10 years with him. He made my life so much happier and he enamored every single person that came near him. He simply had to greet every person in the dog park. He had to sit in your lap the second you sat on the couch. He had to lick you to death. He never barked. He loved everyone.

I just don't understand how this happened. I miss him so much already. I'm a wreck and while I know logically it will be okay, right now it feels impossible. We had so many plans for the summer...the dog park, long walks, sitting in the yard with the sunshine. Now he'll never get to see it. He was the best dog. He's gone far too soon. My heart is in a million pieces.

Oliver, you made my life so much better. I will miss you so, so much. There may be other dogs, but I know there will never be another like you.

Self-Portrait.

2009-03-11T15:13:00.005-05:00

I had the same problem that E talked about on her blog a couple of weeks ago regarding self-portraits. However, she's been trying to tackle it and ended up with this beautiful shot:

I think she nailed it as far as a meaningful self-portrait goes. She was inspired by the light coming through her window and I really love how she achieved the sleepy mood of the room.
However, mine is just a goofy picture, because every "serious" one I tried to take looked forced, therefore fake. And I'd rather post a silly photo of myself rather than a fake one. So here's my self-portrait taken from the scavenger hunt for February. I have a few more I need to post, but I've been too lazy and busy to get them uploaded. I'll do better in April when we resume the photography scavenger hunt (with taking so many photos for class assignments each week, it's gotten a little overwhelming, so the scavenger hunt got shoved to the backburner til photo class is over mid-April). In the meantime, have a little glance at me in my nerd glasses giving up on serious and just being myself.

Note to Self: More Sunshine.

2009-03-10T13:41:00.005-05:00

Last week, if you read, was a bit of a downer. However, I think, for whatever reason, this weekend was what I needed. I didn't do much--Friday I stayed in, Saturday I went to a cookout at M's where we ate, laughed, and cooed over my dog, and Sunday was the nicest day I've spent at home in a long while--we had brunch at Marche and went to the dog park, I took pictures for class, and had a 2 hour conversation with Rome. But the weather was beautiful and I think having all that sunshine and warmth outdoors really helped soothe my spirits. I didn't even mind the time change and losing an hour of the day, because it means that it's not pitch-black the second I leave the office. I love when it stays light out til 7 or 8pm. I feel like I have so much more time added to my day with more light.
It's only Tuesday, but I still feel pretty good about the week. I think having a weekend to relax, have all the doors and windows open with fresh air flowing, and take my time doing things was a way to recharge my batteries, despite my worry that I wouldn't know how to do so. I still would like to take a break from things and relax more, but considering the little time I had for it, I felt I used it appropriately.
I was worried about photography class last night because I was embarrassed by my photos; I didn't think they were very good and I was unsure if I actually achieved the purpose of using the shutter and aperture properly. Turns out, I don't suck. I didn't get one negative critique on any of my shots; instead, I was told "gorgeous," "crisp," and "that one's a keeper!" I was so surprised and pleased; it gave me a warm glow and I left smiling. I was reminded of why I like critique sessions. Even if I had gotten negative reviews, I would've taken that and applied it to my future shots. And having the teacher explain why my shots were good helped me see not just that I did something correctly, but how to recreate it and why shutter and aperture work the way they do. I didn't feel quite so confused and that's an incredibly nice feeling. That's always been my problem--I second guess myself and doubt my abilities. I know I shouldn't do that, because 9 out of 10 times, it's better than expected (I guess because I take it 5 steps further in order to better understand it). I suppose last week, my confidence was shaken with things in my life and it made me doubt myself, which put me into a tailspin. But by getting my confidence back in a couple of departments, that helped me a lot to feel better about the situations in general. Not everything is fixed, but I know that it can be--it just takes some time and patience.
I think it's going to be a busy week, but I feel better about this one. On tonight's agenda: Drag Queen Bingo at Mad Donna's.
Thank you for the reassurances, support, and SMSes. :)
LC.

My Mind is Being Weighed Down.

2009-03-05T12:50:00.004-06:00

(Editor's note: This is my emo picture. It's about 3 years old. No, my hair is not that red. Nor am I usually this pouty.)

You know that saying about resting the weight of the world on your shoulders? The last couple of weeks has been weight on my mind instead. I feel slow, dulled, like a shiny object that has lost its sheen. I am not a pessimistic person, and this feeling will not last forever. But temporarily, at least for this week, I feel as though the weight will cave in and my brain won't be able to handle it.
The problems are not all mine--there's been bad news left and right this week for myself and those around me. It mostly all happened on Monday, which isn't really the best start to a week. Some things fell apart first thing that Monday morning at work. It's C's last week and I'm already missing her at her desk desperately, hoping that her replacement will be just as wonderful. My heart absolutely broke when my close friend informed me her dog had died a few nights before due to a tragic car accident (just for the record, if anything were to happen to Oliver like that, don't expect to see me out of bed for days). Another friend called me that evening to inform me that her mother has a benign tumor in her pituitary gland that must be removed. I've been swamped at work with a million different things that has me feeling overwhelmed and completely lost.
I am not a complainer. I'm typically positive and upbeat and I try my hardest to look at the sunny side up of things. But this week, I've been slow moving and full of sighs; caffeine can't even give me the much-needed jolt I need. My mom worries I'm overdoing it all, but I don't think I'm doing any more than I used to at school (because classes, whether anyone believes this or not, ARE like a full time job. You go to classes anywhere from 12-20 hours a week, then there's the studying, writing and everything else to go with it which in my case equaled well past 40 hours). It's not my classes--I love them. I adore learning new Italian words and using them in conversation. Learning the technical side of photography is tough, but fascinating. But as my mom reminded me, that's two evenings out of my week and then the past few weeks I've been out 3 or 4 nights a week for photo-related business, meetings with people, and trying to make time for friends. I'm never alone at home because I live with a boy and a dog, so it's rarely quiet. I told C I needed a vacation from everything, but I'll be in San Diego this time next month so I feel like I can't take a day "just because." (Besides, what would I do? Sit and rot my brain out on TV? No thank you.)
And yet as slow as I feel, my brain still can't stop racing. I'm constantly running photography techniques, Italian phrases, art projects, Photoshop tips, plots and punchlines through my head. Nevermind the daydreams, hopes, ideas and witticisms. I just can't seem to focus in on one specific thing when I need it, and it makes me feel totally lost. I feel unorganized and scatterbrained, and that may be my least favorite thing ever. I abhor feeling scatterbrained because I am not that person. 90% of the time, I am organized, methodical, and thoughtful. But this week has been that 10% where I'm all over the place with no root or starting point. T said I seemed "burnt out" and I guess that's the best term for it. I am burnt out. I don't even know the last day I had time to myself and then when I get even a second of time alone, I either feel guilty or start thinking of the other things I should be doing like calling family, writing letters, going to the gym or walking the dog. I'm a responsible person and I don't like leaving things undone, especially once they're started. But because of this overwhelmed feeling, I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to recharge my batteries. While I don't want to run away from problems or situations, I'm mostly just trying not to charge my credit card with a one-way plane ticket to Italy for an undisclosed amount of time.
E and I joked about that saying for March "In like a lion and out like a lamb." There's been one hell of a lion running around so far, and it's only day 5 of March. I'm really looking forward to seeing the fuzzy, loving lamb any day now.
LC.

Antsy.

2009-02-26T15:03:00.006-06:00

I have a lot of energy right now and I'm not totally sure why. Usually around this time of the day I'm doing my best not to fall asleep on my keyboard. But today, I have the need to be moving around and doing something. Perhaps it's the weather. It's 71 degrees and sunny out today and that makes me sad to be under fluorescent lighting for 9 hours. I want to take Oliver to the dog park, go for a run (okay, a brisk walk) outside, anything that involves physical activity.

I'm guessing it has more to do with the nice weather than anything else. It's interesting how I can't sit still, and my first photography class assignment is about control over shutter speed. The shutter speed, for those who are unfamiliar with it, deals with the movement of a subject versus your ability to document. I'm having trouble with the assignment, mostly because I need 10 photos and I only have 3 "just okay" ones. I know it's going to take time and I'm impatient; this poses a small problem in my brain. I want to know it all NOW, and I want to be good at it! While being a "forever student" is a great trait to have, sometimes it's not entirely helpful for me when I want to be the best at everything and instead have trouble with the homework. I'm one of those really annoying students who wants to wow the teacher and always ends up teacher's pet, even though it's never a specific goal (no one ever wants to be teacher's pet; at least I never wanted to be, yet I always was because I worked hard and both asked and answered questions). I need practice; I won't get it sitting here at my desk, and perhaps that is why I'm antsy.

E and I have also been discussing Italian fashion. Talking about sundresses and sandals and cute summer things has me yearning for the sunshine's warmth. I want to walk everywhere in gaucho pants; spin around in my lime green sundress; wear my favorite sandals and see silly tan lines across my feet. I'm so very glad that winter is almost at its end. In college, February used to last forever--it was the in-between of Christmas and Spring breaks, and despite it being the shortest month of the year, it always dragged by. This year, February is still the same dull, unappreciated, red-headed stepchild of the months, but it's certainly gone by faster. I can't believe it's nearly March already. In a month's time, I'll officially be 24; we'll be just one week away from a trip to San Diego; and summer and all the joy and fun activities it brings is just around the corner.
I daydream so much lately that I'm worried I'll mix up fantasy and reality by accident. My dreams are filled with sunshine, Italian whispers, beautiful images, bright colors, and warm adventures. Soon.

Here's to you, Summer. I'll be seeing you soon. In the meantime, you can just hang out in my thoughts.
LC.

Things That Make Me Happy.

2009-02-20T15:02:00.007-06:00

It's Friday, which is always something that makes me thrilled! So in honor of Friday (and the fact that I'm in a really good mood and feel the need to spread the joy), I want to share a few things that make me happy:

1.) These nerd glasses in White! I bought a pair from Red Velvet Art the other day and they were shipped this morning. I'm so excited to get them! It was love at first sight and I had the perfect excuse--J and I are going to San Diego in April for a friend's birthday; said friend is having a "Revenge of the Nerds" themed party and we have to get all dressed out for it. So they'll be perfect! I want to wear them everywhere I go.

2.) This photo. Seriously, how can you not crack up at this?! On New Year's Eve, E and I made our "We're excited for ROME!!" faces, and she apparently decided that to curb the ache we have to be there immediately, this would suffice for the time being. There's a bunch more, so you should look at them on her blog here.
On that same token, ROME!!! makes me happy. Last night at Italian class, we had a guy come in to talk about his life in Tuscany where his family makes wine on their vineyard. He's 25, and engaged to a young photographer named Lauren who lives 10 minutes from here. They're adorable, and their stories almost had me on a plane first thing this morning. The people, the food, the life...it's incredible and I'm beside myself with impatience.

3.) Mel Brooks movie weekend. Robin Hood: Men in Tights is one of my very favorite movies. We're talking top five favorites. J and I decided to have a Mel Brooks weekend that will consist of Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, and The Producers. It's going to be HA!larious.

4.) My dog Oliver. That one should be obvious. And I won't post yet another picture. You already know what he looks like, I'm sure.

5.) My camera/Photography. I've been taking photos throughout the day of my publishing company's newest book promo items and it was nice to get away from my desk and onto a makeshift, MacGuyver-esque photo setup. I just had a call from the photographer I'm working with to set up our photoshoot next Wednesday. We'll be taking shots of Chris Johnson, the Tennessee Titans football player, for his upcoming golf tournament and I'm so excited. If I did nothing else but this shoot and the wedding I'm doing in October, that would be enough for me. Luckily, I think this is just the start to an amazing road of opportunities.

That's all I have for right now. There are tons more things I could list, but I think I'll end it here. It's almost Friday at 5, and that means two days of relaxed bliss. Have a great weekend!
XO,
LC

Photo Scavenger Hunt, Part 1

2009-02-18T18:26:00.002-06:00

Eyes Only! (Such a sweet face)

Bridge (on my way home from work):

Jewelry (don't worry, I can get each pair of earrings out just fine. My mother supplied at least 95% of this earring store on my dresser!):

Church! Obviously, not a real church. More like Church Street, in downtown Nashville where I work:

Cake! As well as my something blue, and something pink (3 in 1!); I just didn't want to upload the same pictures 3x.

Potholes in the Road.

2009-02-17T13:09:00.003-06:00

I take the same drive home from work everyday. I drive in autopilot sometimes and I know each individual bump in the road. While driving the other day, I had a metaphor pop into my head that I really wanted to share. I'm certain it's not the first time anyone's considered it, but all the same, I wanted to put it out there.
On every road, there are of course potholes, lumps and bumps. No road is ever straight and flat. Lately, I've kept the music off while driving--it's a short ride home and sometimes it's nice to have silence. Now sometimes, because I know the way home so well and I can get bored easily, I wind up observing other cars and drivers. You know them--the cell phone talkers, the smokers, the guy who really loves to jam out to music and doesn't care who knows it. Because I know the road well, I know how to avoid the potholes and risk my car getting out of whack. I know it depends on the car's location on the road, but still, I noticed it. Some drivers go around the potholes, and others, like myself, try to finangle it so the car centers and passes directly over the pothole without ever touching any part of it. However, there are some I'm always going to hit because it's next to impossible to avoid them. I just have to grit my teeth and pray my little blue Easter Egg of a car can take the hit.
You know those sayings about how life is a journey, and the bumps are a way of life? I think that's a good analogy. I'll add to it: those potholes are the bumps and rough spots of life. Some people choose to avoid the potholes; they just flat out go around the problem and refuse to accept its existence. However, other people, such as myself, do their best to center themselves so that while they have to approach the problem, they at least try to embrace it.
Granted, this theory is a silly leap and a little childish--after all, anyone can come up with this theory. But it got me thinking about how in the past, I tried as hard as I could to avoid a problem. I pretended it wasn't there, swerved around any questions and took the shortcut to a solution by denying its existence. If no one talks about it and I can't see it, it didn't happen and it's not there. However, in the past couple of years or so, I've really begun to be a little more adult about the situations. College had a huge part to do with this because you can't avoid someone just because you don't care for them, or argue an opinion without backing it up with evidence. While I talk a lot about putting the smackdown on people, I consider myself to be a very non-confrontational person and will try the best I can to find any solution. Read: ANY solution, as in it may not be the best one, but it's the quickest one I came up with, so that's that. It doesn't mean the problem is gone forever. You can't just throw some rocks in the pothole and think you're done; eventually, the rocks will get shuffled out and it'll be time for another, more long-term solution.
NOW, it's a little different-I still want to take the quickest problem-solver, but I'm trying to at least spend more time finding a solution so that I can say I exhausted all my resources. On that same token, I don't immediately jump to a freak-out. I do my best to stay calm and keep everything together. And if I can't find the solution, if I can't avoid the pothole--I take the hit. I brace myself for impact and believe that when it's over, I'll come out better because of it. And if it stuns me enough to throw me out of whack, well then, I guess that's what mechanics and friends are around for.
LC.

This & That

2009-02-12T09:51:00.006-06:00

I've got a few random things to include today. It will also include lots of fun pictures to fake you out and think I have interesting things to discuss. Just be lucky I didn't write my cynical "This is why Valentine's Day is lame" entry because there was quite a bit of research proving this holiday is solely a chocolatey, commercially-run business holiday.

First and most importantly, I wanted to talk about how inspired I was Sunday evening when one of my closest friends performed onstage. Megan is one of the best people I know and I adore her. Watching her have absolutely zero fear was so interesting to me; when I was at school, I used to get up onstage in front of the whole school and their friends and introduce bands and give out our prizes. It was my thing and I loved being the emcee, but the thought of getting up there and doing anything but talking (or in my case yelling) at people gives me the heebie-jeebies. Perhaps because I know I can't sing, but still. She just got up in front of her family, friends, and a bunch of strangers and sang her heart out with a band she had practically just met, and rocked Tootsie's roof off. I was so proud of her and it made me want to do something new and exciting. She's doing what she wants to do and it's so amazing to see one of my girls accomplishing their dreams, no matter how small of a stepping stone it may seem to some. In case you need more info, you should check out her website here and figure out where to buy her new album, One More Broken String, just released this past Tuesday. XOXO Megan!!

In other news, I got my book yesterday:

I'm pretty excited to give it a shot. I've never knitted a single thing ever, so it's definitely going to be a challenge. I've been warned it can be frustrating and I'm determined not to give up too easily. Not only do I want to challenge my brain, there's some cute scarves and hats in there that I'd love to make and show off! So here's hoping.
I think now's a good weekend to give it a go. My Valentine's Day weekend will consist of reading, knitting, and relaxing. J is getting his wisdom teeth pulled out bright and early tomorrow morning; I took the day off to make sure nothing is rushed in getting him home and putting medication in him. He doesn't really handle pain well, so my only consolation from his whimpering will be that he can't talk (So sweet, right?!). He kept pushing it back and wanted to make sure he was clearheaded should the Titans go to the SuperBowl, but alas, it was not to be, and so he must go in on Friday the 13th to get teeth yanked out of his head (which honestly, is really funny because he can be incredibly superstitious and this is pretty much his idea of the Fates at work). While I'm enthusiastic about the 3 day weekend I got out of it, I'm hoping he won't be in too much pain and he'll sleep most of it off. But honestly, I remember Day 2, and it was not fun whatsoever.

Finally, Happy Birthday to Tara! I was so excited for her to get her birthday gifts! Courtesy of PippiChick on Etsy, who is adorable and was a doll to bring them by my house personally two nights ago to insure Tara had them in time:

It's a tissue holder and a little key fob to go on your wrist when she goes out with her keys. She at least acted like she loved it ;) I'm so happy you do T-rock!!
(I also kept one for myself because I loved it so much!):

I need to stop going on the Etsy website. It's not healthy for my wallet. Megan's birthday was Sunday. She got this:

I love Love LOVE supporting local artists from Nashville and I adored every single thing I bought for a couple of my favorite girls. Happy Birthday ladies!!
I'm still working on the photo scavenger hunt. I've got a couple different things, but I'm debating on posting them all together or in pieces, so I'm sure you can't stand the wait. Either way, it's lots of fun!

On the final note, I want you to check out the blog A Beautiful Mess because I love this chick. Tara sent me the site yesterday and I've become addicted to looking at all her supercute things. If I could half be as fun and quirky as her, I'd be very happy. And it's funny because of how small a world it is--her boyfriend played with Mute Math on the Jay Leno show, and I brought them to my school and hung out with them! So I'm just two degrees of separation from knowing this fun, creative girl. She has her own gorgeously fun store with way too many cute things. My wallet would be in big trouble around her artsy stuff. Go check her out. Seriously. It's "Holy Cute!"
I suppose I'll check back into reality now and get back to the hard work I've been putting in for the last few weeks. Hopefully it'll pay off soon. Have a great weekend and happy Valentine's Day!

Hobbies, Interests, Ways to Pass the Times.

2009-02-05T13:46:00.004-06:00

What are your hobbies? What do you do for personal fun, when you have a second outside of work, family, and other obligations? (Sleep doesn't count, sorry). I'm curious as to what people to do relieve their boredom or stress. (Hopefully you have healthier ways than eating a pint of ice cream or the like!)
When it comes to activities outside of work, I'm usually craving something to do. I read a lot, but I've become kind of picky lately at what I enjoy flipping through (I've still got to finish "Gomorrah" from my Italian amico, "American Gods" and "Anansi Boys" both by Neil Gaiman, and finish rereading "Angels and Demons" in time for the movie this summer.) I think it's gotten to the point where because I work in books everyday, all day, that it takes a lot of energy for me to actually sit and read a novel, even if I really want to give it a try. I paint (not very well), but I haven't brought out my materials since we got Oliver, just in case he wanted to see what blue tastes like. I think I can start getting back into that again now that I know he's really just a lazybones. But I like trying my hand at new things, so yesterday I ordered the book "Stitch N' Bitch" and I'm going to see what happens when I try to knit. I don't know if I'll be any good at it, but I want to at least try it just for fun. Why not? Maybe I'll surprise myself and like it. If not, at least I gave it a shot. Hopefully T is going to knit with me and give some pointers, cause I'll need all the help I can get, and this will be a fun way to hang out together outside of photography class, because I doubt we get to talk much during the lessons!
So yesterday E and I decided we needed one more thing to try and push us to take better photos. I'm trying to keep my actual photography work separate from my fun projects, so I'll most likely post this project here, or somewhere similar, as opposed to work, though we'll see how it goes!
It was her idea, naturally, and I'm just here to play the game. Each month, we'll have a list of 25 different, totally random things. In our respective cities, we have to find these items and take a unique photo and post it online (in no particular order). No prize or anything like that, it's really just a good visual challenge.

If you want to join in on the photo fun, here are the rules:

* The list below is for the month of February. Take all 25 photos by February 28.
* Avoid cliches! (Example: "something patriotic," a photo of a flag.)

* New photos only! Posting a photo you took a year ago is cheating. Honor code.

* Have fun! I know that's a cheesy and stupid rule, but don't get bored and act like this is a homework assignment. Do fun things with it! Talk to strangers! Think outside the box!

She found this list online and we'll use it as the template for all future scavenger hunts. I'll come up with the list for March, and E will come up with the list for April. If you want to come up with the list for a month after that, post a comment (first come, first serve) and be sure to include a link to your blog.

The List:
01 - Stained Glass
02 - Something Pink
03 - A Crowd
04 - Bell Tower
05 - Something Patriotic
06 - Couple Holding Hands
07 - A Quote
08 - Candid Portrait
09 - Something Blue
10 - Tombstone
11 - Dust Bunnies
12 - Eyes Only
13 - Big Truck
14 - Camera SP (Self Portrait)
15 - Water
16 - _____ on a wire
17 - Fire
18 - Church
19 - Cake
20 - Bridge
21 - Something Moving
22 - Jewelry
23 - Unusual Door
24 - Interesting Sign
25 - Toy(s)

There you have it folks. Let me know if you want to play, so that way I can check on blogs and see what creative things you find around your city. I'm excited about this project! It's going to be a lot of fun, and you should definitely participate. The more, the merrier!
LC

We Don't Want No Drama.

2009-01-26T12:54:00.003-06:00

I don't really like to admit that I'm an adult. I mean, I do adult things, like pay bills, work 40+ hours a week, and live in sin with a boy (as his family lovingly teases us). But I also do silly, asinine things like go out for a beer at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, play video games and talk smack when I'm winning, or giggle for an hour on the phone with my best friend.
T commented the other day that lately I've become so busy, the only time she's going to see me is during the photography class we're taking Monday nights for 9 weeks. While she will see me more than that, it made me stop and think about my schedule--suddenly, it's blown up and my pink pen has nearly choked to death getting all my activities down on paper. Suddenly I'm meeting brides, working with photographers, scheduling shoots with musicians, taking Italian on Thursdays, Photography on Mondays (starting in 2 weeks), and somehow still managing to see my friends at random times on the weekends. I never think I'm doing a lot--I mean, I still find time to sit with my dog on the couch and watch Rock of Love--er, I mean Planet Earth--but my mom even commented on how she doesn't want me to get in over my head and be too involved. Naturally, that's her way of saying "Don't stress yourself out" but she's also talking to someone who worked part time at a radio station, wrote for a school newspaper, DJed at her college radio station, acted as Senator with the student government, chaired concerts, and somehow made Dean's List. I don't really know how not to "overdo it" because that's simply who I am. It's just been buried beneath the layers of sarcasm and ass-fat I've accumulated over the last 2 years, along with my motivation and creativity. I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of that black hole that was my stubbornly depressed little life. If you've read any of my previous entries, it shows my rising happiness living in Nashville, doing things, meeting people, creating, finally being motivated. And with all that happening, my confidence is coming back. I can talk to strangers first; I don't mind talking in front of groups of adults even though I'm the youngest there; and I sound knowledgeable when I'm passionate about something.
I digress. The point is, I think I can maybe, possibly, kinda sorta admit that I might be acting like an adult. And I'm happy about this. I'm happy that I'm no longer surrounded by people like in high school and college, where I always had to watch my back for drama. If you do the adult thing properly, you can manage to keep drama out of your life, and I am so thankful for that. I feel like I have surrounded myself with good, kind people who are my friends because they want to be, not because they have to work with me on a project or I'm a board member who can kick their ass at a moment's notice. I had to be tough in college and I know I intimidated people, but I kept up that facade because if I didn't, I'd get taken for granted. I don't have to be that tough girl anymore; I'm still sarcastic, but in a much more relaxed fashion (for my Nashville friends, boy if you think I'm sarcastic NOW..!). I don't have to defend myself with friends, or explain my choices. They listen and are there for me because they genuinely care. I've been freaking out a lot less lately, too. I think it's funny because before when I wigged, I really didn't have anyone to turn to besides 1 person, and she didn't even live nearby. But now that I have people to vent with, we really don't have that much to complain about! There will always be work and coworker complaints; but as far as friends go, none of us have ever said something negative about the other to a third party. Maybe part of this is because most of my friends here are slightly older than me and aren't still in the "he said, she said" mindset of gossip. But maybe it's supposed to be that way. You know--real friends, real life, no unnecessary drama. I finally have a little niche where life is good, despite the strains and surprises it may have in the future.
When it comes down to it, I'm kind of digging this "Being an adult" thing. Though I may take that back when I hit 30.
LC.

President Barack Obama.

2009-01-20T11:57:00.002-06:00

I really have no words for today. I'm so proud of America and the people who worked together to make this day a reality. I want to focus on the positive rather than the negative of the day (read: bitter Republicans). I want to shout to everyone "I helped!" and have people yell back "Me too!" His speech was well-put. It wasn't about victory. It was about strength. The strength to stand up to our enemies, to overcome our economic perils, to work together and look forward rather than back. I can't even begin to describe how glad I am that President Obama will work for me, for my endeavors. I know it won't happen this weekend. It will take months, years, to get America back on track. But I believe he can do it, along with his Cabinet and supporters. We all just have to be patient and understand that nothing happens overnight.
I'm just a little speechless. I didn't think this day would ever come (not in the sense that it couldn't happen, but in the sense that I'm extremely impatient and ready to turn this place around).
To President Barack Obama--Help make this world a better place. I know you can do it.
LC.

It's How Many Degrees Outside?!

2009-01-16T11:27:00.004-06:00

It's 13 flippin' degrees here in Nashvegas. THIRTEEN. With a wind chill making it feel like 6 (!!). I am not a fan. Of course I dislike it because it's flat out cold, but the big reason I don't care for freezing weather? Frozen pipes.
Yep. Frozen pipes, as in NO HOT WATER, thus resulting in a hat with some serious hair issues, bleary eyes, and an "I simply can't care today" attitude. Because I can't. Not in a hooded sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers, with a hat that was thrown on in complete desperation to hide the day-old, unwashed hair. It's not like I'm filthy (considering all I did yesterday was sit in an office, then at class, then at home), but going out in public past my front yard without a shower just feels wrong to me. I feel slower because I didn't get my wake up ritual and while I'm fairly sure I don't smell, the nagging recesses of my brain are telling me my skin is just leaking smelly residue. Logically, I know it's not. I know that while I look less than ravishing today than on any other given day, I'm still not the most hideous thing on the planet, nor do I look like I'm from the 80s or belong on Glamour's "Don'ts" page this month. But a state of mind is all it takes for me to trick myself into think I'm gross. Blah.
I met with Robin Dodd the other night and it went well; she's still working to get her business off the ground, but her goals are realistic enough to where I think with some help, she can pull it off. I'm glad to have come into contact with her and I'm hoping that it turns out to be something really great. It has the potential to teach me many things and produce great photos.
We're seeing Brian Posehn tonight at the comedy club and while I'll probably go as is and he'll smell worse than me, at least I'm fairly interested to see how funny he is on stage. After that, it's hauling back to the house to cuddle with Oliver under blankets and watch Joel McHale (and please god let him tease Ryan Seacrest mercifully over the "Bikini Girl" incident!).
It's hard to care about work today. I'm trying, but it's tough, I won't lie. I'm getting things little by little done, but as it's Friday and I'm a messy blob, I'm trying very hard to keep visions of my bed outta my daydreams. Otherwise, I'll wind up a glob of gray sweatshirt all over my desk from falling asleep. I'm quite ready for spring now, thank you.
Oliver still has yet to bark at anything. I know he's not a mute because he whines when he's annoyed at me for squeaking his toys at him too much. I don't really mind the non-barking, honestly. He's a good dog--totally potty-trained, getting more personality everyday, and just a big lovebug. He cracked me up last night because his food was in the kitchen and I was getting my Italian stuff together in the next room; he was so excited to see me and eat that he couldn't decide, so he'd slip and slide on the hardwood floors between rooms with food in his mouth. I think tomorrow I'll take him to the dog park to run off some steam, then a nice bath...assuming we have hot water of course. And if we do, I get priority before him. He may be a dog, but I need a shower way more than he does.
LC.

Pound Puppies.

2009-01-13T09:32:00.006-06:00

When I was a kid, I was always around dogs. My dad bred Old English Sheepdogs, which could grow to be small fluffy ponies (they're the cutest puppies ever). We had my cocker spaniel, Daisy, and then a mixed variety of other breeds--Boston terrier, black Lab, a Komondor (they look like they have dreadlocks), and one or two others. We don't have any of those dogs anymore, and I always knew one day I'd get a dog for companionship.
Well, let's pretend that I'm 8 years old again, because I'm so excited that it's hard to form complete sentences!

This is my new dog Oliver. Oliver is 2 years old. J bought him for me at the Humane Association. Oliver is part chihuahua, but does not look it at all. He still has not barked since we brought him home. We think he has been taught not to bark. All he wants to do is sit in my lap and sleep. He is already housebroken and might be the best behaved dog ever. He was everyone's favorite dog at the shelter. Someone said he has a Napoleon complex because he's tiny, so that means whenever he sees a giant dog, he wants to run up and show them he's "the man." He's finally playing more, and really likes his treats and chew sticks. I love Oliver.

Seriously though, he's a doll. Someone did a great job with him prior to putting him in the shelter, but the reason he was given up was because the "wife was allergic." So their loss is definitely my gain, because he's so sweet. He's perfectly happy sleeping in your lap (and he's certainly small enough to do it and you barely notice). He still has yet to say a word, and while I'm sure he can bark, I'm curious to know what will make him do so. He's still getting comfortable with us, so he's not as much into playing with his toys as he is with cuddling. He cracks me up, because when he walks, it looks like he's prancing, and when he sleeps, he rolls onto his back so it looks like he's playing "dead dog." I forgot how much I love having a dog in the house. I still haven't gotten totally used to having him around (mostly in the "trip over the small ball of fur underneath my feet" way) but he's so well-trained--he goes straight to the door when he has to go out, runs out on his leash and does his thing, then runs right back in--that he makes it simple to care for him. He sleeps through the whole night on the couch or in his bed without moving once, and I was expecting to have a hard time with that transition. The fact that he's a great cuddler is just a big bonus. We got really lucky by choosing him. I knew I had made a good choice when I said I wanted him, and the two Humane workers said he was a favorite. Naturally, J and I have been paying more attention to the dog than each other, but it's only been the first few days, so hopefully that'll change, haha.
So, if you're ever in the East Nashville area, stop in and say hello to Oliver!
LC.

The 2009 Aries Overview

2009-01-08T13:29:00.005-06:00

I used to be hardcore into astrology when I was younger, and while I don't care for palm readers, psychics, or the "Guess Your Weight" people at the fairs, sometimes astrology, as general as they can be, can be accurate. As an Aries, I'm predicted to be (and am) stubborn, opinionated, confident, and very goal-oriented (until I get bored with it, that is). I take things 5 steps further and strive to be the best at everything I try (for example, at my Italian class awards dinner, I got "Most Intelligent" because I could answer any of her questions and verbalize well). Of course there are downsides to being an Aries as well--quick-tempered, impulsive, sharp-tongued and impatient are pretty much what freshmen feared me by come sophomore year (I don't like to waste time gathering followers!). Confidence can turn to arrogance, as well as adventurous and courageous turning to foolhardiness and daredevil acts. While I'm sure that any anti-astrologist can argue that these things can define any one person, Aries or no, I still find it funny that nearly all those traits apply to me, both good and bad (hey, I'll admit it, I know impatience isn't really that stellar. My Roman friend is always trying to "teach me patience" much to my chagrin).
C looked up my horoscope and so far, I really can't see anything that doesn't match the way I've been feeling lately. And if this is any indicator to my actual 2009 days, my year's gonna rock.
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Year 2009 Overview

Pioneering and courageous Aries is being called to times of incredible new growth and renewal. The considerable reflective time you have spent rehashing and deciding which avenue will best serve your highest purpose has shaken you to the very root of your personal belief systems. Through surrendering to your higher self, new realizations and golden opportunities you never thought possible are brilliantly opening up for you.

Your new commitment to self has given you a renewed appreciation of the your divine wisdom and accomplishments. The understanding you have radiates love and compassion, and is attracting your highest good. As your creative spirit soars, the excitement you feel helps you submit to the larger purpose and vision gained in your dream time. You are easily able to bring your work out into the world with clarity and purpose. Your heart's desires are quickly manifesting right before your eyes and you are able to reap long-standing benefits as you detach from the past and are catapulted forward.

Because of your humanitarian ideals and desire to be a helper in our emerging world, be careful not to fall into old patterns of helping others fulfill their needs rather than taking care of your own. As you grow, people are drawn to your altruistic ideas and your visionary and compassionate personality.

In spite of your good endurance and concentration, remember to take care of yourself on an everyday basis to maintain wholeness and integration. Finding a good physical outlet for your frustrations is important so that you don't deplete your energy and prevent yourself from getting what you really want. Enjoyment is the fundamental desire of your life, and you are able to create the life you enjoy.
________________________________________________________________

I found myself nodding along to a couple points they listed when first read. I've been feeling extremely grounded lately, in a positive way. As I said before, having people in my home with the constant laughing and fun, I felt home. I'm happy at my job, when I never realized I needed human interaction so much. It took me nearly 2 years to get here, and I could kick myself for not making it happen sooner. I know a lot of it had to do with my visit to Longwood in October; seeing my friends was wonderful, but also opened my eyes to the fact that things are so different now and I can only keep the memories. I'm not a part of that life anymore and I guess it took that weekend to really understand it and move on with my life. I was trying so hard to not forget my past that it kept me from living in the present. I'm ready to move on now, so I can achieve all my amazing goals.
I certainly hope that my "dreams come true" as far as being more creative, taking more professional photos, and just really working hard in general to make sure I get to Rome, become a photographer, and to be a better friend for both old and new. Certain parts of life may never be perfect, but I know that I'm happy with several other aspects and that cancels out some of the bad. I know that astrology can't really predict my future and I shouldn't base a thing off it, but if the universe does keep an eye out, maybe it'll be as great of a year I feel it's going to be. Starting this week, I'm back to Italian class, a girls' night, and I have a photoshoot with a musician Sunday. I'm all about the great starts.
LC.

358 More Fresh Starts.

2009-01-07T12:18:00.005-06:00

I'm not counting down the days or anything. On the contrary: I'm counting up how many new days we have left to make 2009 your favorite one so far. As my first official post of '09, I feel like sort of a jerk, since it's '09 + 7 days. But I'm here, with your breathless anticipation on my neck.
I can't even come up with the appropriate words to how fun my New Year's Eve party was, so I decided I'd show you a few instead:

Seriously so incredibly fun. Every single picture I have consists of a lot of people laughing hysterically and having a good time, and those pictures make me so happy it's a little ridiculous. I was so proud of how my house and decorations looked, as well as the food I made. The best part was that everyone there, even those who had never met before, immediately made themselves at home and my house was filled with fun and good people. I felt home. I may not go all out like I did this time, but I'd have one of those parties with all of those people once a month if we could.
Lots going on starting from now + 358 days. My Italian class reunites tomorrow evening and I am so excited to go back to my learning curve. I missed it and have tried very hard not to forget all the words I've learned; instead, I think I've just remembered all the Spanish I took and am getting them garbled. My photography class doesn't start until February 9th, so I've got a little bit of time. I'll also be posting some new photos in my photography blog once those are done (I learned a little Photoshop over the weekend and am trying to practice my lack of skills).
I certainly hope everyone had a great holiday. I'm glad it's over though! While I'll miss the sporadic days of work, I like having a schedule, writing in my planner, and not feeling quite so "speed of light" during the month. Now I can finally put my focus back where it needs to be, like my career and goals, rather than travel and party planning.
Phew! It's great to see you, 2009. Let's hang out for a while and have a good time.
LC.

Goodbye 2008.

2008-12-29T12:55:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas; I know I did. I spent nearly every second with my mom, and it was great. She's the only person who can make me laugh so hard in the Target aisles that I have to run to a bathroom, and we laughed so hard during our Saturday lunch that both of us desperately needed waterproof mascara. We spent every second at home under blankets, in pajamas, on the couch watching Criminal Minds and I loved every minute.
However, for perhaps the first time since moving to Nashville, yesterday I was ready to come back. Usually, I have to be dragged into the car back to Tennessee, but this time I was eager and willing to be back in my house, exuding sarcasm with M, C, & B at work, and get the ball rolling on 2009. Maybe, finally, I feel comfortable enough to call Nashville my home. Granted, I have a lot of things to look forward to in the next few weeks, but I think it's finally what I've been looking for; the past times upon return, I've had nothing here but work and TV. This time around, it's completely different. I have so much it feels as though it might explode, and suddenly I remember why I love life that way--bursting at the seams.
I'm having a New Year's Eve party at the house and I made the smart move of telling my mom. While she hates attending parties, there's nothing she likes more than planning them, and boy did she ever. There was only a little slice of clear back window to peer out of in the truck thanks to the pile of decorations she gathered for me. I'll be dreaming of disco balls for the next two weeks, I'm sure of it. Blue and silver everything--platters, utensils, candles, party favors...the list goes on. Should everyone who says they're showing do (or risk incurring my wrath), it should be around 12-15 people. Lots of great food, drinks, Wii & other games, with party favors galore come midnight. I'm ready for 2009--it could very possibly be my favorite year yet if what I think could happen does.
I'm even looking forward to after this event. I posted a link to my photography with an offer for free photos to my East Nashville listserv, and I've gotten such great positive responses. I'm meeting with a mother to take photos of her son on Sunday afternoon, meeting with a wedding photographer to discuss becoming her assistant, and possibly offering my photos to a woman who is interested in posting them in her building, where lobbyists and legislators occupy. My heart has grown ten sizes in love of East Nashville (as if I could love it any more than I already do), and to add to it, I managed to strike up the courage to give my email to a guy who I wanted to take photos of--it turns out he's a musician in need of new photos for promo of his new album. I finally feel as though I'm getting a foot in some doors, and every single opportunity matters.
I'm also starting my photography class at Watkins in February, as well as my intermediate Italian class at the end of January. I'll be busy on Monday and Thursday nights, and M and I still want to volunteer with the Untitled Artists Group on Wednesday nights. I had so many new ideas for art projects when I was home and I'm really excited to put them in motion. E and I are having our own photoshoot this weekend during her visit; we'll be each other's models and we have some really neat ideas; I can't wait to see how they turn out and then post them up as evidence of our creative genius together.
I know when I visited Longwood in October, I said it didn't feel like home anymore. And at the time, I didn't know if I felt comfortable calling Nashville home either. But finally, finally I think I can say that I'm glad to be home.
I am so excited for 2009--not to see what it brings to me, but rather, what I can bring and achieve in it.
-LC.

Have Done/Will Do.

2008-12-19T09:43:00.006-06:00

This weather is killer on my moods. It's been raining practically nonstop for the last week and a half, and looks to keep on raining next week as well. I'm pretty tired of the clouds and rain, and wouldn't mind a little sunshine. It looks like I'm getting my wish on Sunday at least. J's brother and sister-in-law are in town for the Steelers game, and I'm lucky enough to go freeze my patookis off in the predicted 38 degree stadium. I can't decide what's better: 50 and rainy, or sunny at 38. Blah. I am, however, very stoked for the next couple of weeks because of several things. First, I'm going home to my mom for Christmas. 5 days of being home. Then as soon as we get back, I'm having what will be a fabulous New Year's Eve shindig, which I'm really excited for just because of all the things already planned, much less the actual events that go down.

Show the local artists some love and check out the free show tonight at East Gallery around the block from my house. Their show was originally last week, and got bumped up to tonight, so if you're interested in art and want to see your city's very own talented folks, head on over between 6-10pm. It looks like there are going to be a lot of really cool pieces there. M and I are discussing volunteering with them after the holiday madness is over, and that way maybe we can present our own pieces later on. They meet every Wednesday evening if you're interested.

So if you haven't noticed, Christmas is next week. I honestly have no idea where 2008 went. We were just ringing it in a hot second ago, and it's gone. In honor of the upcoming new year, I think I'm going to make an "Accomplishments" list of all the things I got done this year, as well as a "Goals" list for 2009.

In 2008, I:
Got a moneymaking, better scheduled job. Moved downtown to a house. Made really great friends, including one in Rome, as well as a close knit East Nashville niche. Got a proper camera for photography. Started photography blog and sites, as well as this blog(!). Joined a gym (and went!). Created--photos, gifts, paintings. Made some solid contacts in regards to said photography. Reconnected with a long-lost sibling. Finally learned my mom's chocolate chip cookie recipe!

In 2009, I will:
Take the photography class at Watkins School of Art & Design in their Community Education Program starting in February. Take the intermediate Italian course with Patrizia starting in January. Travel. Market and establish my photography to start a side business. Create more--read, write, paint, learn, study. Learn Photoshop and my Mac. Recycle more! Eat meat less. Go to the gym more. Learn and execute delicious recipes. Volunteer with Untitled Artists Group Nashville.

I know there are so many more I'm forgetting or not anticipating. It's an ever growing list, both in the things I've done, and want to do, and I think that's a good thing. I never want to stop learning; I'm forever a student of life and it should only get better as it continues.

In case you don't hear from me until after the new year, safe travels and happy holidays to you and yours.

LC.

Handmade Italian Soaps.

2008-12-12T11:12:00.006-06:00

I just bought these soaps from Saponissimo on her Etsy page. I'm so, so excited because these look so beautiful I could just eat them. I found them through Michelle over at Bleeding Espresso. She had some beautiful suggestions for gifts and I made the mistake of clicking on them and now I'm Etsy-obsessed this morning. But these soaps! They're handmade soaps from Italy off the Amalfi coast and I can't wait to get them into my shower! Yum. Or maybe I'll be nice and give at least one to someone :) If you go to Michelle's page and check out that beautiful photo for Sara's Art she's got some beautiful things up for sale, too. I adore that bracelet with the heart on the end.

TGIF. I'm off to see the Nutcracker tomorrow and am soooo excited!!

LC.

Paintings & The Nutcracker.

2008-12-10T14:24:00.006-06:00

Some beginner's tries at painting canvas. It's fun, though certainly challenging to keep it off my coffee table and clothes.

The first two are going to my 6 and 4 year old nephews. They like colors and funky designs, so I thought it was appropriate. The next few are for my own benefit; the one with the weird lines and circles was my first painting attempt since the 4th grade, so I've learned that until my right brain gets a little more exercise, I need to sketch it out rather than freehand whatever I feel like. The word by the tree is "Sperare" which means "To hope" in Italian; that's a personal favorite for me and perhaps the one I've spent the most time on. The final one is for my mother, and it translates from Italian to "Find Happiness. I love you." It's one of her Christmas gifts. I hope she likes it.

Speaking of Italian, I applied for my passport today and shipped off a package to Rome. I'm so immensely excited to have the passport in my hands I have to remind myself to put it in a safe place. I told E I was going to carry it on my person at all times, until he not-so-gently reminded me that it might not be the safest there, as I tend to become the drowned water rat from crashes of roadwater rage. Thanks. Big Italian bubble-burster. So it's going to be tucked away and I'll continue to remind myself that just because I can now hop around the globe, I'm poor and don't have the right funds to do so just yet. Either way, it's still very exciting to me because it makes next September all that more real.
In more news, by a fluke chance I ended up buying two tickets to the Nashville Ballet for this Saturday afternoon to see the Nutcracker. I'm not a very Christmas-spirit kind of person, but the Nutcracker--wow. I was obsessed as a little girl and it was the whole reason I looked forward to Christmas at all. It was my favorite thing ever as a kid; my mom and I used to watch the VHS tape of the ballet for hours upon hours. I remember being very little and my Uncle T gave me a large edition of the Nutcracker story; it was then I began to refer to my new imaginary friend at the Nutcracker. Perhaps the ballet will stir the child's fire in my soul. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to see the newly updated "Nashville version" of Clara's beautiful, colorful dream world. I think I won't be able to help but be inspired.

Happy painting.
LC.

Happy Birthday Jim.

2008-12-08T15:50:00.005-06:00

Today would have been Jim Morrison's 65th birthday. Who knows, maybe he IS 65 today, if you believe in those rumors that he faked his death. I personally don't buy it; Pamela Courson was too heartbroken to continue with her life after she found him in the tub. Had he lived, she would've, too. Crazy as their relationship was, it was a codependent one that couldn't be pulled apart despite the problems. I have to admit, I'm a huge Doors fan, and an even bigger Morrison fan. I wrote my senior thesis on his lyrics and were I still in school, would still be writing of the similar nature.

I don't love the idea of Jim Morrison: sex god, rock star, forever legend. I love what he represented. He wanted change, he wanted people to acknowledge their existence, think bigger in terms of their lives. I wrote a piece on him when I first started this blog, and I won't post the whole thing again, but rather bits and pieces for my own benefit of why I admire his work:

"I don't believe he was rebellious because he was angry. I believe he was rebellious because he wanted to create change. You have to remember the era he came from--the 50s, while many times depicted as Cleaver-family dinners and hula hoops with sunshine, was also full of oppression, segregation, and that little thing called the Cold War. The '60s were full of those who wanted change--for women, African-Americans, America in general. The 60s were an explosion of color, opinion, music, freedom and ideas--a modern day Renaissance, if you will.

Morrison was ahead of his time. Think of the music in that era, and then reintroduce yourself to the Doors; their flamenco style, dark sound and sex appeal. They were creating noises that could not have previously been fathomed, and those hippies just adored it. As a former radio disc jockey who wrote her senior thesis on "The End," I'd like to say I know a little bit about lyrics. In a time of Beach Boys and flower children, Morrison introduced Nietzsche, Freud, and Dionysus into his words which was absolutely unheard of. And sometimes, the hippies were too stoned out of their faces to understand, but Morrison truly wanted them to hear it, to get it. Constantly screaming "WAKE UP!" to his audiences, it wasn't about getting attention for attention's sake; it was to be heard, to understand exactly what it was that was going on in their world. He always told others they were slaves; slaves to the government, slaves to their parents, slaves to themselves, unable to break out of their boxes.

As a great poet once said, "Now is blessed the rest remembered." As in, the present, right now, is what we make of it, while history is remembered for what it is. If you don't like it, then do something about it.

And if you were wondering who wrote that brief poem--none other than the Lizard King.

"Dreams are at once fruit & outcry against an atrophy of the senses. Dreaming is no solution." -Jim Morrison"

I love that quote. Sure, you can dream. But you need to act, be brave enough to make it more than just your wishes...Because what's the point of having dreams if you never go after making them reality?

Happy Birthday Jim. I'm sorry you're not around to see the world today. Then again, maybe you'd be just as depressed as you were back then. Either way, thanks for giving me inspiration.

Speaking of which, I got the photography blog up and will start adding to it. It's on my profile page should you want to check it out.

LC.

Photography Blog.

2008-12-05T10:25:00.004-06:00

I'm finally going to bite the final bullet and create a photography blog. Lele Green has a beautiful page up that is inspiring me to take the leap. I have a Flickr page, and a Myspace page (both located under "For Your Entertainment" links towards the bottom here, should you be bored enough to check them out), and I guess I need to learn how to market myself properly now. I feel my techniques are getting stronger the more I practice. I've been out with Tabitha Hawk a couple of times and she's really helping me creatively as far as textures and angles go. Out of all the essentials necessary to a great photo, textures and angles are my favorite, my focus. I've only done one wedding, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about getting things such as engagement photos. I'm mostly a "take a picture of anything" photographer--food, nature, buildings, events, etc. I've got a few musician friends who I'm going to try to bribe into modeling for me, because I think I've taken enough of J, plus he's really uncomfortable in front of a camera since he's more a songwriter than musician. I need to meet up with other, more experienced photographers to see how they direct their subjects, frame, and set up. And as I said in my previous post, I need to learn Photoshop. That's the only good thing I can about my not knowing Photoshop--if I take a really good photo, it's because it's a good photo, not because I knew how to trick it on the computer. Now I need to take a good photo, and enhance it to look even better. Once I get my Mac, I'll be able to start bumbling through CS3. I think I'm also going to sign up for the 9 week Photography class at Watkins to meet others and learn some tricks. Most of any spare cash will be saved towards my trip to Rome next summer, but I'm going to see if maybe I can also try to save for a different lens. Photography is an expensive damn hobby. Then again, so is painting. No wonder artists are starving.
Gah. I'll start working on the blog very soon. Then figure out where to go from there. Just wanted to give everyone a heads up since I've got such a strong support group.
LC.

Mi Dispiace.

2008-12-03T10:36:00.002-06:00

I apologize for not writing as much lately (to the total of approximately 4 loyal readers). I haven't been up for writing lately, and I need to get back into it. Even if it's just to write a little paragraph per day. I've been busy, which is at least a good excuse, and not just with useless things such as watching TV, but with creative things such as taking pictures with Tabitha Hawk, painting, and getting Christmas shopping done. Okay, and watching too much TV too, but I've been wrapping and painting while doing it, so cut me some slack. I'm really proud of some of the gifts I've made, mostly because they're all from me rather than the local department store. I'm framing my photos for my family, and some of them came out more beautifully than I anticipated, which pleased me greatly. My brother has set up a Mac mini for me and I should receiving that this week, I believe. I'm excited, first because I'm finally going to learn the Mac system a little, and secondly because he's put the whole kit and caboodle on it--Toast, Garage Band, Adobe CS3, even the Harry Potter audio books for me because he is thoughtful that way. I'm determined to learn more Photoshop for my photography. He's installed WiFi on it as well, and it's going to be my computer, staying in the front room. J will be keeping the other computer in the back room where he can record and practice his music. I just need a monitor and I'm ready to go. But I plan to do a lot more creatively with this computer; I want to do more with photography, design, and as I said before, write more, even if it's just a little each day. If I practice at my creativity, I'll get better at it. It's just like stretching your muscles before a workout--it gets easier as you get more adapted to it (I learned that from one of the authors my company published).
I've been trying to shake the feelings of guilt since my grandfather died last week. My mother is going through a rough time right now and I never know what to expect when I call her--some days she's willing to laugh and joke, like last night, and other nights she cries and won't talk to me for very long. I know that even if I were an hour away from her, she'd tell me to stay where I was because there's nothing I can do. But sometimes I can't help but feel angry at myself for being 8 hours away, for being just a voice on the phone. I'm hoping that when I go home at the end of the month, things will have gotten a little easier for her, and I can lessen the guilty feelings I have over the distance. I am so much like her; if something were to happen to her, or anyone close to me, I would react the same way. I would refuse to be around people when I didn't have to be and I wouldn't come out until I was ready. It's already hard enough to make me go out in a normal day because I consider myself a bit of a loner. But in the wake of a tragedy, it would be damn near impossible. As far as right now goes, I'm trying hard to make sure she knows I'm there for her. That's all I can do, all anyone can do.
I'm boring lately and I don't really have much to report. My brother kept telling me to find my joy. Take time for myself and no one else. So I'm trying to do that more. I'm waiting, hoping that certain things come through. I'm reading, writing, painting, creating. I'm doing pretty well at it so far, I think.

LC.

History of a Person.

2008-11-25T12:07:00.003-06:00

My grandfather died yesterday. It's been a long 4 months. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, and we all knew that chemo was just prolonging the inevitable. He didn't take to it well; he was a 74 year old man, an alcoholic in another life who destroyed his organs through years of ignoring his health. But that didn't make it any easier. He was in awful pain and couldn't take care of himself. I talk to my mother everyday, and the last few months have been tough on everyone. It's heartbreaking for me to hear her go through it, to know there's not a thing I can do or say to make the situation any better. She insists that now she's at peace, no longer jumping when her phone rings because it could be "that call" and that she'll miss him everyday, but he's with family in Heaven and no longer in such awful pain, looking so unlike the man she knew. They knew it was close when he said Saturday that he had seen Granny sewing--she passed on before I was even born.
I'm taking the news harder than I expected. I can't remember ever meeting him; but my heart breaks for my mother. She tells me she doesn't want me to come home, but then her voice cracks as she talks of going home to be alone and I can't stand the thought. I feel guilty for being so far away; she reminds me that I chose to come out here, and not to take it out on anyone else. That she always knew I would live my life away from that town and that I can't not live where I want to be just because I fear that life will happen to someone I love. I know she's right, and I'm trying to move past it, but it's difficult when I'm so close to my mother and I can't be there for her in the literal sense. She says she'll be in a better frame of mind at Christmas, that we'll sit and talk for as long as we want and be together. Christmas now cannot come soon enough. I know logically that there's not a single thing I can do to help her get through this, that this is a process she and my two aunts have to go through together.
I've been thinking about how a person's history affects them. Not their thoughts on it, or regrets. Just how it can shape their lives. I of course know my own history. And those I'm close with, like E, I know their history inside and out too. With her, we have such a history together that I know all about before I was in her life, and it's almost as though I feel I had a part in that too. It's because we know each other so well. Those I don't know as well, they have a history too. And I'm willing to sit down and listen to it if they want to share it. But everyone has a history that led them up to today, whether it was a job, a relationship, an occurrence. And I had it eloquently put in my head a few days ago of how I would write this, and now it's all out the window because all I can think of is how my grandfather's history led him to his death. He drank and smoked too much, said and did unkind things. And yet my mother was there for him through it all, and towards the end, he apologized for everything he had done. He wanted to make amends, atonement, for the hurtful things he had done in his past.
I can't quite seem to spit out my thoughts today. But I did have these few that I needed to get out. Rest in peace, Granddad Zachary. You're swinging on Heaven's front porch with Granny now.

I'm a Hybrid

2008-11-14T15:06:00.005-06:00

I thought this was a funny site stolen from R. Looks I'm pretty eco-friendly as a hybrid at 33 miles per gallon. Not bad for a fat kid who loves her cake ;)

33 miles per gallon

Created by The Car Connection

Everyone have a great weekend. I'm off to hang with my brother and some cool kids. I'll be photographing this weekend since I need some inspiration and a creative outlet, so hopefully I'll have a little more to write next week.
LC.

Last Night, the World Changed.

2008-11-05T09:28:00.005-06:00

I watched history remake itself last night. I've been typically apathetic about America for pretty much my whole life. Last night, I was moved to tears in pride for my country, for my home state, for myself.
Barack Obama is the President-elect. I can't even begin to describe my emotions towards this, and I cannot even fathom how older generations feel, as they have seen a nation tear itself apart over racism and saw what was once considered the impossible, become our future.
Last night, as we were watching the news, we learned that Virginia, for the first time in decades, voted Democratic. MY VOTE COUNTED. My absentee ballot that I prayed would get there in time and would count, did. My hometown, tiny little Danville, was blue last night and possibly for the first time ever, I was proud of that city. I was shocked to learn they voted Democrat last night, because I had expected, and accepted, it was a red city. They surprised me and helped change the course of America.
I was, naturally, on the phone with Erica when it happened. We were cheering for the Virginia victory, and then suddenly, we were told: Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States of America. Both of us sat there in stunned silence, unable to speak or do anything except listen to what we were hearing. Then suddenly, it was like the floodgates opened and the rest of the country's votes fell into place. Not only did Obama WIN, he won BIG. It was a landslide, and as close as it had been all night, I was stunned to see state after state turn blue. Even those suspected of being red. And some that turned red, were far more Democratic than anyone expected, like Texas. 338 electoral votes to McCain's 163. The American people came out in droves to make their voices heard, and last night, we finally felt unity, perhaps for the first time for some. I, for example, have never felt my voice could be heard, felt that none of my efforts mattered, and that the wealthy and powerful would always trump me. But last night changed that.
Last night, people were dancing in the streets. There were hundreds of people standing outside the White House. Had Bush peeked through his curtains on his front lawn, he would've seen what could be easily mistaken for a rock concert--thousands of people screaming in joy, crowd surfers, and dancing. I heard firecrackers go off in my neighborhood. Whole cities were being stopped in the moment as traffic slowed and horns and cheers were blared. And this is just our country. I know that other countries were cheering in relief, hope, and joy as their future looked brighter just because we as an American people used our rights to vote for our President.
How can you not be moved by this? How could I not sit in shock as a smile grew across my face and threatened to stay there forever? History has been changed; not erased, but created. Many people are focusing on Obama's being African-American; I can't focus on this as much because I don't know the struggles, I don't understand the hate and fear that was created in the past. But I do see the triumph right now; I see the tears and excitement and those who have struggled are now rising above to finally, finally be proud of their country and feel like equals.
It finally hit me last night when McCain came out and gave his speech. When I saw Palin standing there, looking sad and disappointed and THAT'S when it hit me. Not only do I have Obama as my President, I don't have Palin as my vice president. That's when I was no longer stunned and that's when I start cheering. The look on her face is enough proof--she was hungry for power and crushed when she knew she couldn't have it. I finally have faith in the American people because of this moment. They saw her for what she was, and voted against her. I almost felt sorry for McCain, because he used to stand for what I could've believed in. But he changed, changed because that's what he thought he needed to do, and he lost because of it. And it looked as though he may cry at any moment, and suddenly he became a sad old man, and yes, I felt sympathy. But nothing could take away my joy at the other side of that coin, and when Obama walked out with his beautiful family, and started thanking everyone, including his best friend and partner, the woman he's still so deeply in love with, that's when I broke down. I cried from sheer happiness, because we all worked so hard to get the word out, to help elect this man, to support his family and prove we wanted the change we needed.
Obama gives me hope. He gives me a voice and ideas, and motivation to carry it out. I want to be a better person, strive further, work harder, to attain the goals I make. He said in his speech, last night does not make this process done. We still have work to do, and he cannot do it alone. We cannot go back to our old ways, we cannot be lazy, we cannot become angry if something isn't done because we are supposed to help change that. We must work together, Democrat and Republican, black or white, man or woman.
Last night, the world changed. There are those who are angry, of course, those naysayers who say they will never get behind Obama. Those people will have to learn. Those people must accept and decide to work FOR AMERICA, rather than AGAINST Obama. If they love this country as much as they say they do, then it shouldn't be hard to get on the train. It's time to unite as one, to overcome the divisive nature these campaigns have caused, to work together towards one future instead of many. It's time to show the world that we are Americans, that we can overcome and rise above the problems that strike.
Last night, we made history. We will tell our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren about this. We will say "We were there. We voted and made our voices heard. We believed and we made this happen. We believed in Barack Obama because he believed in us."
This is only the beginning. And I can't wait to see what the future brings with Barack Obama as my President.

LC.

One More Day.

2008-11-03T12:48:00.004-06:00

It's almost over.

OBAMA/Biden '08 & '12!

Whew. I've never been so excited for a Wednesday.

LC

Fate is A Funny Thing.

2008-10-21T12:44:00.004-05:00

I can't ever decide if I believe in the saying "Everything happens for a reason." E had a good answer to it one day--she believes this statement to be true, because it's better to think that everything happens for a reason rather than life being a bunch of random occurrences that have no purpose. I like to talk about karma as a real thing and I do go by the standard that what comes around goes around.
I may not be a religious person, but I do like to think the universe is (some days anyways) looking out for me. That I'm not necessarily being controlled, but rather guided in a way that benefits me and my situations. I don't think that every single one of my actions leads to something else, just as I feel that you can knowingly avoid other situations (example: walking alone at night), but sometimes I'm surprised by what can be affected by my actions, the biggest example being the people I meet.
I'm also very cautious of the word "soulmate." Those high schoolers that say they've found their soulmate kill me, because I simply don't believe that at 15 years old, you can have life set in place for you just like that. I was reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert and read an extremely insightful part about soulmates. She believed that she and a man were soulmates. Her friend told her that while it might be true, it had been proven time and again they couldn't be together permanently. He made a point to tell her soulmates are not always a permanent fixture in one's life; rather, they are someone that shows you a different way of life that you may have never before seen; they push you to go beyond your comfort zone, to experience life and really see things for what they are, rather than what you wish them to be. They show you the mirror of yourself, and help you change and grow when the mirror image doesn't satisfy you. I've never really believed in soulmates before; rather, as Monica told Chandler, she "doesn't believe in soulmates, but believes in trying hard to make relationships work and grow." I think that's a nice way to sum it up. I mean, how could I expect to find my soulmate in a world of billions of people (because life is not so convenient that all Americans will have American soulmates, so on and so forth). I believe that when you do find someone, assuming a relationship is what both parties want, you both must do what it takes in order to survive the trials and tribulations life throws at you. I do believe that, if soulmates are real, that person will set a fire in your soul. You don't necessarily do any and everything FOR THAT PERSON, but you do it for yourself to grow, to experience life. That soulmate will make you want more out of life, make you believe you can do what you put your mind to, and challenge you to be a better person. I think that if you find a soulmate, then yes, a relationship can work, but not just "because you're soulmates." You work because you challenge each other for the better.
However, sometimes I can be taken by surprise. How would you meet such a person? Blind dating, online, at work, through a friend of a friend? I used to think online dating sites were a joke (still kinda do) until I met my friend B's new girlfriend, whom I adored after just a few hours together. They work. I've seen him with a few other girlfriends who seemingly had a lot in common with him (same friends, classes, etc.) and despite those similarities, they broke up. But A & B just happened to both be on this dating site. Two random people from two different cities who just happen to "match" online. How does this happen? Some might say it's just a computer generating similar answers, but that romantic in me that I've managed to quash for so many years wants to think this is where fate steps in to give a little nudge. As if to say "You might not know exactly what you're doing now, but it'll pay off later. Promise." Because sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, but what if it does??
And this doesn't even just go for relationships either. This can go for jobs, friends, anything. For example, how was I supposed to know that by simply leaving a blog comment that T and I would become so close? It was a random happenstance, and yet it worked out so well. And when I explain to people "We met through our blogs" they get this confused look on their face (or as my mom put it, "you met through a what now?"). Would it be any easier if I said "Fate wanted us to be friends?" Maybe we're not meant to understand how we meet people or why that friendship or relationship works out. I've met a few people in my life who I truly believe I was destined to meet. E and I constantly play the "What if" game, and try to guess what outcomes would be for different people, including ourselves. And each time we've tried to reach a conclusion, we come to the same one: She and I were meant to be best friends. I truly believe that she and I were meant to be at Longwood--it's why she picked Longwood over another school, why I didn't get accepted into my first choice, because fate knew that I would happier at Longwood. I honestly, 100% believe that fate stepped in and helped me to find my soulmate best friend. And I think, in recent months, fate has decided to step in and help me a little with other things as well. It's good to see the universe looking out for me, even when it surprises me when I least expect it.
I'm an observer. When I go out, I mostly watch other people. Sometimes I make up stories about their lives and give them names. Sometimes I watch people meet for the first time; sometimes, the last. No matter how different we all are, we each go through similar situations. Fate hands us a few paths and we decide which one to take. Or are we presented with a few paths, and fate pushes us in the right direction?

"If you also see the same moon, we are not so far away."

LC.

This Makes Me Happy.

2008-10-14T14:53:00.001-05:00

Obviously, Roma. I stole these from my opera singing friend--she spent a month in Rome this past summer.
I will be going to these places soon...and this thought consumes me with so much happiness it is all I can do not to pack my bags that very moment and hop on a plane. Plans are tentative, but have been set in motion, and I'm very excited. But I'll refrain from saying any more as I don't want to jinx myself.

Non posso aspettare per Roma!!

Ciao,
LC

Rising from the Ashes.

2008-10-13T13:08:00.003-05:00

I don't want a fighter speaking as my voice. I want a leader. A classy, intelligent, calm, smart leader. I don't want a short-tempered, defensive, angry fighter. On the same note, I don't want a man I drink beer with to run my country. I want to be intimidated by my President. I want him to smarter than me, I want him to know everything about everything and say "Pakistan" the way it should be said without a Southern twang. I want someone who can take the ruins created by Republicans the last 8 years and recreate it to become something even better than what it was before the Bush presidency.

"22 days and we're done with this. 22 days and we have a new President, and we no longer have to deal with this. 22 days and it's over."

If you're one of the many saying this, you're wrong. I mean this in a fairly nice way, but you're wrong. In 22 days, a new era of our country begins. Whichever candidate is chosen by the American people is then thrown into the most complicated, precarious, and important role in the world. He will no longer be a senator, no longer be "just a guy." He will be our 44th President, a man chosen by the people, to take our country and encourage us to rise up from the ashes, from the depression, from the horrific economic state.

In 22 days, it's only just begun. The next 4 or possibly 8 years is in this man's hands, and not only must he create ties with other countries, he must creates ties within this country. America is bitterly split right now, in a way I think I underestimated. I never saw it going this far--to where McCain, who used to stand for something, would refrain from becoming the GOP puppet and hold his ground at what is good, to where Palin accuses Obama of being best friends with a terrorist, and what's worse, condoning anger and threats against his life because she wants their votes. What happens if Obama becomes President? If something were to happen to him, then it's Biden. You are no longer in line for Presidency, Palin! She is encouraging hate just by not suppressing the angry cries of her supporters at events. McCain finally said late last week that Obama is a "decent person" and would make a fine President. Too little, too late, John. You've already planted the seed of fear in these people. A person is smart. People are stupid, panicky animals. When you get a large group of them together, some who are already prone to hatred and deep-seated racism from years of learned behavior, and tell them that your opponent is friends with terrorists, what else could you possibly expect? Of course they're going to associate your opponent with terrorism. Of course they're going to scream angry threats. OF COURSE they are going to take it out on the first person they can and scream a racial epithet at a black cameraman.

Are you kidding me? I honestly thought we as a country had come farther than this. I am so, so sorry to say that I am wrong. I was wrong to think that we had left behind the days of racism and fear. I was wrong to think people are accepting of those different from "the normal way." I thought American citizens were American citizens, not "straight, gay, black, Indian, white, male, female." I thought we had moved past such trivial, demoralizing categories. I was wrong to think that people would encourage diversity, would support everyone's rights, would want what was good for the country rather than themselves.

McCain is saying he is turning his campaign around and going "back to basics." To many, this seems like a great plan. Back to basics, wahoo! But you know what I say? I think two things. One--I think that he shouldn't have to go BACK to basics. He should never have strayed away from the basics; not that I want him to have a better chance of winning, but if he had continued to be himself and not gotten puppeteered into something he's not just for the sake of winning, maybe he'd still have a chance. And two--I think he's going "back to basics" because he wants to go back to that campaign where there was no hate, where there was respect and dignity. I think he's highly uncomfortable with where this campaign has gone and now he's seriously regretting letting any "terrorist" information be put out to the public. I think he sees the error he's made--that by labeling Obama as associated with terrorists, and should Obama win, his voters will cry mutiny. The conservatives, Republicans and anyone who believes that garbage will fear for their families and homes, and I happen to know several Republicans back home who own guns. I've said it before, but I hope to god they have some amazing Secret Service because I will honestly be worried for Obama and his family for the first year or so until he's able to re-establish faith in the American people who didn't vote for him. I'm willing to bet that should McCain make it through another 10 years, we're going to hear from him later on that he's sorry for the divisive nature his campaign caused, that he regrets not putting a foot down sooner to stop the cracks his vice presidential candidate created.

22 days and a man is chosen to be our President. 22 days and CHAPTER 1 is over. And then we begin all over again. There are no more choices, no more votes after this is through. We have to learn how to live again, because this has consumed us. We have to learn to put our country back together to stifle the hate, and encourage prosperity. We have to learn to move on and learn from mistakes and embrace the light we find in our futures. Let's reassemble the broken pieces of our past and not just glue them back together, but start adding on more to overcome the reputation we have gained. Let's be America again.

LC

My Life is a Sitcom.

2008-10-08T15:48:00.003-05:00

You know those movies where someone's just stepped out of the parking garage, on their way to work (after spending 25 minutes in traffic when it's only an 8 minute ride because people are crazy when it rains), and as they're walking down the sidewalk on a heavy rainy day, a car comes by at 50 miles per hour on a one way street and a wave of water washes over them, soaking everything they have, like their bag, their shirt, their European rain shoes, and their new sweater and hair?

That was me this morning. I can only imagine the shocked and horrified look on my face as I was stunned into being frozen (literally). I felt like Elliot out of Scrubs and all I could do was scream "FRICK!"

Sure. Laugh it up. Oh it's funny now, sure. Now that I'm dry. 4 hours later. But at 8.30 this morning when I traipsed into my office looking like a drowned rat, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed under the covers and have a do-over. I had people offering me blankets and funny e-cards, and even my boss tried to think if there was a dry shirt somewhere in addition to hot chocolate.

My life must be a sitcom. Add to that the guy who came in today was very much like Dwight from the Office. It was such a Laurie Notaro moment. Even EG was laughing at me, from Rome, telling me it sounded like a cartoon. Yea. A cartoon of a soaking wet, angry girl just daring someone to mess with her after that. I'm pretty sure there was a cameraman somewhere laughing his ass off. God help him if I find him, cause I'll beat him to death with my good-for-nothing umbrella.

Grudgingly amused,
A slightly damp LC.

Closure and a Slice of Pie.

2008-10-06T12:25:00.005-05:00

I've been sitting here for the last few hours, wondering how to put the past few days into words. "Fun, crazy, amazing, wonderful, and bittersweet" don't exactly begin to cover it. I miss everyone already. I even miss people I didn't know that I missed in the first place. And it turns out that everyone misses me, too; not just my best friends, but people I was only acquaintances with, people I thought would forget me when I graduated. I'll admit it was a little odd being back, because I felt out of place. I thought I would immediately slip back into my old self, but fact is, my old self isn't there anymore because I've moved on. It's an odd realization to know that I'm officially alumni and I won't get those firsthand experiences back.
Turns out, I was really nervous to come back at first, to walk on campus and see people. I think, in some aspect, I was worried I hadn't been missed, or that I would be dismissed after a brief reunion. Erica and I walked down to the stages where we used to reign supreme (and we were actually nervous!), and we found that those college radio kids were doing okay without us, but it had been a struggle to move past what we had accomplished for them. We got a lot of "You told us so" and "You were totally right" statements. We got introduced to freshmen and new radio kids as "legends" and sometimes they just said our name and they had look of recognition on their face, which I took as a very high compliment. We saw our old radio adviser, Mr. Bill, who I immediately attached to and continued to stay beneath his arm until we had to separate. It may not be exactly as it used to be, but it's not supposed to be that way. They have to carve their own path for what they think is best for the station, and while I may or may not agree, they're the ones with the torch now because my time's over there.
Saturday night was the best, though. We went to a big bonfire with our friends and had such a fun time. I got into a great political conversation with a kid I had only vaguely known from the station my senior year; we must've talked for at least 45 minutes and it was good to find someone younger and even more passionate about politics than I am. At one point in the night I was sitting alone waiting for my two drunk girls to return from the bathroom and usually I am uncomfortable about being left alone like a wallflower, but I didn't feel lonely or out of place. I felt comfortable watching everyone have a good time and know that they're enjoying the times they have right now. I wanted to tell all of them not to wish it away; to enjoy their friends, those parties, even their classes, because the real world is far harder than writing papers once in a while; that you will never have the experiences as you do during college.
I had a great weekend. I saw old friends, met new ones, caught up on others' lives. I didn't cry when we left, nor did I wish desperately I were still at that school. Erica and I had a long talk after we got back from the party while waiting for Italy to wake up. It's not the school itself; it's the people. After this year, I won't really know anyone there, not well enough to make a trip back to party with them. The people that were my friends and family aren't there anymore. Those kids who are there now, it's their time to shine and do great things for Longwood. I'd say I had some pretty good closure this weekend in regards to my feelings on school. My mom told me that I needed to move past college; to cherish the memories, but not look back on them in a way that it keeps me unhappy in the present thinking I'll never have times like those again. And she's right, because being there this weekend was great, but those are just memories and no longer anything that can happen again (never mind that I feel far too old to party like that every weekend!). I need to move forward and apply the fun I had to today. I still miss my friends, and I still cherish every moment I had those 4 years. But I can't let it keep me from things now, just because it's "not the same." It was certainly a bittersweet weekend, but I'm going to take the positive from it and go from there.
All I know for sure is that I cannot do that every weekend anymore! Sleeping only two hours a night, sleeping on a friend's hard floors, drinking an entire bottle of mango rum while attempting to climb up hills to get to a bathroom...I don't even think it's that I'm "too old" for it; I'm just not a huge partier. I mean, I went and had a great time and would love to do it one final time in the spring with everyone, but I'm just not the type of person to stay out til the birds chirp "good morning" and try to sober away the headaches the next day (as Erica put it, a breakfast of Tylenol and black coffee!). J admitted that if we go home again for Spring Weekend in April that he would go back to Virginia but stay with his family that weekend and refrain from going to campus. He said that he doesn't really want to drink to get drunk anymore, and after taking care of a few sick people, he realizes he's grown up enough where he can have fun but not get too crazy or make a fool of himself. Although if you ask me, I think he just didn't have as much fun with his friends as I did with mine!
We were planning on getting to Roanoke in time to see Biden speak, but unfortunately his mother-in-law died so we ended up driving back to Tennessee after dropping Erica off and switching cars. So we made the long, long drive home. A year ago we were making this drive and it did not go well. I wanted to return to Virginia; he did not. We stayed. This year, things are very different. I have a full time job, friends, a house, and things such as class to keep me busy. I still feel as though something is missing and am going to do my best to find out that that might be, because on the surface it looks like things are going so well. As my mother said, your entire life is a large pie, and each slice is a different part that makes your life work as a whole. One slice for friends, one for family, significant other, work, responsibilities, etc. I need to evaluate one slice at a time and when one begins to look good, move on. Only one at a time though, because if you try to do too many pieces, it will all fall apart. So that's my goal I have right now, to examine each piece, make sure everything's intact and fix it if it's not, and go from there. We'll see how it turns out. I just think that I'm going to have to be a little less logical about certain things in the future because otherwise I'm going to end up bored with life. I need to find a good balance.
Thanks Longwood, for giving me 4 of the best years I'll ever have.
LC

Home is the Dorm Rooms We Slept In.

2008-09-30T13:21:00.005-05:00

I'm going home tomorrow.

There are many definitions of "home." I could consider my house in Nashville home. I could consider my mom's house in Virginia home (and she insists wherever she is, that is home to me, which is true). Some say wherever you lay your head is home.

But I think my first reaction to the term home is Longwood. It was my home for 4 years. Not one time in 4 years did I get homesick, until the end of the year when I realized I was graduating and we had no real home to go to because everything was so up in the air.

I feel most "at home" at that school because the people there, the students, the teachers, the staff, they know me. And not just know me as a person who attended there, but they know me well enough to understand my determination, my goals and motivations, my skills and weaknesses, my emotions and thoughts. I was someone there. Not to say I'm invisible here, but I think my point comes across. I was not going to be one of those people in college who just go to class and then leave, never striving for more; I mattered at that school. When I graduated, some things did, in fact, fall apart. People knew they could depend on me for anything--help with studying, getting an event done, being a shoulder for tears. I worked really hard to be that person and I feel I succeeded.

I've sort of lost that girl. It's only lately that I've begun to see shadows of her returning. This weekend will be such a nostalgic rush for me, because not only will I remember who I was, I will be that girl again. I won't even have to try. I'll just arrive in Roanoke, drive to Farmville, step foot on campus and slide right back into that shell that I seemingly left behind for others to remember. And I am so excited about this. I feel this weekend will be a (good) slap in the face for me, to remind me of why I work hard to be somebody. For me, it's not about being important or well-known. It's about making a difference. And I know that I made a difference at Longwood. I know I did. I have proof from many people in the form of CHI ashes, references, plaques, and memories. I wasn't the most popular or smartest kid there, but I damn sure mattered. And I think I really need this reminder to set me straight as to how I want to live my life.

For me, Longwood was home. I think even if I eventually move on, it was always be a little bit of home to me. I met my best friends there. My best friends were my family and some of them always will be no matter where we go in life. My teachers were mentors, the staff my role models. And even when you disagreed with someone, you learned how to deal with them in real life situations. As I've said, college will probably always retain the best memories of my life. I just don't want it to be the best years of my life. It's a little depressing when you look at it that way.

But this weekend will not be about depression. It will not be complaints of our jobs and bills. It will not be talking smack of people from the past. This weekend will be enjoying our time together. Reminiscing in memories, laughing over our freshmen years, drinking over hopes to come and dreams to pursue. I miss almost everything about school, from the campus and extracurriculars to the people to even some days the Dining Hall. Because despite those four years of mind-numbing study hours, the all nighters spent on papers, the makeouts and breakups, roommates from hell, and the money we never had, these memories I carry with me for the rest of my life will be those that still make my heart ache for the friendships I made and lessons I learned.

Longwood will always be my home. And this weekend is a celebration of that fact. I'm not saying I'll return a different person. But I feel like this time around, maybe I can stay in that shell I left behind and carry it back here with me. I don't have to make a new home right away; in fact, maybe it's better that way, to keep motivated to always pursue more. But whenever I want to revisit my past and think back to the best chapter thus far of my life, I can look back to Longwood and know that I can always call it home.

L.C.

Imagine My Surprise When...

2008-09-25T15:13:00.003-05:00

...I went back and read through a few old blog entries last night, only to discover that I've actually accomplished some of my goals in the last 8 months.

Sunday, February 17, 2008
So I have to shake it up. I'm attempting to learn Italian as soon as my friend R. and I can get together for lessons. I'm going to start saving up the best I can so I can travel, as I'm determined to visit Rome, Italy, London and Ireland before my life is over. I'm trying to find some kind of hobby so I can maybe take a class, because I'd meet people and have the benefit of a new education; ideally I'd like to try a cooking class or book club. I don't know if these are the ways I'm going to get what I want out of life; however, this is the best path I have (mostly because funds are limited), so I'm going to go with this and see what happens.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I want to participate in East Nashville activities. I want to volunteer at the Frist Center. I want to take so many more photos of everything and make a website so I can design a small portfolio in case anyone ever wants to see my work on somewhere other than Myspace. I want to learn more about Photoshop to make photos better. And most of all, I want to travel. I don't mean travel to Atlanta, GA, either. I mean travel to Europe. I desperately want to visit Greece, Rome, Italy, London, Ireland, New Zealand, Paris, Amsterdam..the list goes on. I want to learn Italian and speak to locals. I want to make a career out of my job, preferably make a nice chunk of money and really make an impact on and for my company.

Present day:
As it turns out, I went from wanting to do things, to doing things I want. I'm about to have my fourth lesson in Italian class (and I'm not so shabby in class, either; talks with EG are another story and it's good he's a patient teacher). I decided to focus on Italian and photography instead of the Frist but I'm not opposed to volunteering there at some point in the future. I've made friends and have a very active social life now. I have a respectable camera and have started on my portfolio in order to show other photographers why I want to learn from them. I'm actually in the middle of getting a passport because I want to go to Italy within the next year. My mom actually has encouraged me to take photography classes, so next semester I'll be taking at least one of those courses. I'm working hard at my job and am continuing to look for freelance work with photography so I can make a little extra cash.

Am I happy? Not 100%, but yes I'm happy for the most part. My mother insists that no one is ever 100% happy (though I don't know if I believe her or not). But the fact remains that, while yes they are baby steps, I have done just that. I have made goals and taken the necessary steps to achieve them. I am excelling in Italian and intend to pursue the next level because I am determined to use it on a practical basis. I have an amazing friend in Italy who I simply adore. I'm taking more and more photos in hopes of putting my foot in a door.

This is only after 8 months. I know that sounds like a long time. But in those 8 months, I've done all those things in addition to a robbery and recovery, moving and getting situated, making friends and engaging in a social life, and working a full time job. So I have to say I feel kind of proud of myself for being able to achieve the things I've been wanting to do. And oh, there is just so much more to come! It's a nice feeling to feel accomplished. Sure, it's not even close to being completely done, but it never will be. The fact that I've taken charge of my life (and am continuing to do so) is a nice change of pace from the last year where I simply sat on my hands and observed the world around me, rather than participated. And I'm glad that I'm only 23 and figured this out, as opposed to if I was 33 and unable to do certain things.

So here's to accomplishing more goals. And always wanting more for myself; never settling for status quo. No more. I'm still figuring out what I want in life, and what my dreams are, but I won't take for granted the fact that I CAN have dreams and go out and make them a reality. I feel like I'm finally doing something with my life.

L.C.

NIN on Halloween!!

2008-09-23T10:45:00.005-05:00

(The photography website is coming along. There's more work to be done, but I'll be posting a link soon) Not a whole lot going on this moment besides the usual, but I did want to say that last night J and I saw David Byrne (of the Talking Heads) at the Ryman and it was a great show. The dancers were incredible! But after the show, J asked me if there were any concerts I really wanted to see and I mentioned Nine Inch Nails, but admitted we don't have the money for it so I wouldn't buy tickets. He apparently got worried I might change my mind and buy them anyways, so he had to tell me--turns out the one time I didn't guess at a surprise or bug him for hints is the one time it worked out:
He got me NIN tickets for our anniversary! Our 5 year anniversary is November 1st, and the show is on Halloween, on a Friday night. I'm so excited. I've never seen them live, but I love their last two albums and have downloaded the newest one from their website and will be giving that a listen soon. They're supposed to put on an amazing show and people are saying this tour is Reznor's best yet with the lights and stage show he puts on. So I'm pretty stoked. I love how political he is with Year Zero--it's my favorite album of theirs.
So that's all I've got. On that note, I'm leaving you with the lyrics to their first single off Year Zero, called Survivalism (It's possible I've posted this before but I'm not sure. I know I've done it with "Capital G," a song about President Bush). The lyrics are just so smart! Trent Reznor is a genius.

Survivalism:

I should have listened to her
So hard to keep control
We kept on eating but
Our bloated belly's still not full
She gave us all she had but
We went and took some more
Can't seem to shut her legs
Our mother nature is a whore

I got my propaganda
I got revisionism
I got my violence
In hi-def ultra-realism
All a part of this great nation
I got my fist
I got my plan
I got survivalism

Hypnotic sound of sirens
Echoing through the street
The cocking of the rifles
The marching of the feet
You see your world on fire
Don't try to act surprised
We did just what you told us
Lost our faith along the way and found ourselves believing your lies

All bruised and broken, bleeding
She asked to take my hand
I turned, just keep on walking
But you'd do the same thing in the circumstance
I'm sure you'll understand

I got my propaganda
I got revisionism
I got my violence
In hi-def ultra-realism
All a part of this great nation
I got my fist
I got my plan
I got survivalism

Getting It Together.

2008-09-19T13:25:00.004-05:00

There's been a lot going on lately and I don't really want to put it all out there on the interweb, but I will say that I'm working as hard as I know how to make my life what I want. No more excuses, no more crutches, no more promises or bargains. I just need to make the most of what I want and know that I'm strong enough to handle whatever happens. It's time to do rather than say, act rather than dream.
Tonight J and I are going to dinner and then possibly doing something afterwards or maybe just coming home to watch a movie. Tomorrow I have my class and then we're going to Bellevue to hang out with T. Sunday while J is watching football all day, I'm going to hook up my new webcam to have an Italian lesson with EG which I'm looking forward to. And I'm going to start putting together my photography portfolio.
That's right. A Porfolio. I'm going to bite the bullet, pick which pictures I think are strong enough to stand on their own, and start building together a project that proves I can learn and hang with other photographers. I'm extremely new to the whole experience so if anyone has any tips they'd like to lend out, please feel free, because this is important to me and I need as much help as I can get to make it right. Then I'm going to contact as many photographers as I can to see if they need any assistants or help with their shoots and try to get my foot in a door. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I can't say I didn't try.
My problem is that in the last year and a half, I've sort of lost who I worked so hard to become. I'm no longer the same person I was in school and while it's good that I've grown up a bit since then, I do truly miss many aspects of that girl I once was. Two years ago, my dream job was to work as a promotions coordinator for a radio station; now, I have no idea. I've lost that dream and I don't think I can get it back because for one, I've been out of radio for too long, but also, I'm not sure if that's what I want to do anymore (little pay, crazy hours, crazier people). But in order to find out what it is I want to do in life, and what makes me happy, I just need to stick my hand in everything and see what I enjoy most. I don't have a clue what it could be--it might be photography, it might be learning Italian (I am and forever will be a student), it might be something completely different that I won't know until it happens. I need to keep sketching and dreaming. I won't lose sight of my dreams in order to help someone else with theirs. I can do that, but I won't let it consume me to this point I've been at for so long. I need to refocus on myself and figure out what I want out of life. Once I get happy with myself, I can figure out how to help others the right way.
I'm going home in two weeks and my soulmate hoebag and I can't stop talking about it because we're just that gay for each other. I'm so excited because I'm going to come back with a million new photos, see our old friends, participate in a reunion committee (which we will inevitably take over and lead) , and I know I'll feel "at home" again. Maybe this is what I need; a reassurance that I'm still that girl from college, but I just need a little reminder of who I was to make me who I am. This will make me focus on what I want and need to do in order to achieve my goals. Plus, being with people who knew me for 4 years, who watched and helped me grow, some who know me extremely well--those people will remind me of who I was and what I went after. This will reestablish faith in myself.
It's time to take charge of myself, figure out what I want, and get it done. Otherwise, I'm wasting my own time, and I just can't live with that.
L.C.

Ready for This Game to be Over.

2008-09-15T15:10:00.003-05:00

I have to say, I'm pretty tired of Republicans. This race is getting more and more heated with each passing day, and to be honest, I'm a little worried of the outcome. While it's great that so many people are taking interest in this election and really care about the future of their country, I have to wonder if perhaps the Obama/McCain race is actually dividing the country even further. What happens when one man wins? Nearly 50% of the country is going to be upset their guy didn't win; I'm willing to bet there's going to be a lot of anger in the streets between the people. Obviously I'm an Obama fan. If McCain wins, I'm going to be terribly disappointed, not to mention downright terrified for the future of America. But I would honestly be a little scared for Obama. There are some crazy people in this world and country and some of them own weapons. However, I know many, many people who would be upset if McCain wins. But what happens in November after one man wins? It seems a little optimistic to think that we're all just going to go back to getting along and all the Republicans and Democrats won't take this personally when they go back into Congress to make choices for our nation.
I'm just very tired of all of it. I'm keeping up with it and participating actively where I can, but I'm tired of the mudslinging. Obama's now had to step in the game because McCain has become so aggressive in attacking him that Obama has no choice but to stand up for himself and fight back. And then after all that attacks McCain starts, he accuses Obama of attacking him for no reason and fighting unfairly! It makes me so angry. Even Karl Rove's getting fed up with McCain ads against Obama. He and Palin are fighting dirty. Obama's been as classy as anyone could be under this stress and now he has no choice but to stand up for himself. I'm just so tired of ignorant people telling everyone who will listen that Obama's a Muslim or will bring about damnation or some idiocy like that. My friend R. is a Republican and we both refuse to debate because we enjoy our friendship. However, I do respect that at least when he tries to stand up for what he believes in, he doesn't talk badly about Obama with lies, just with his opinion on the economy and that nature. That's fine; I can argue with that. But don't try to argue with me with nothing but rumors and lies. It's just so hypocritical that McCain lashes out and calls Obama a celebrity, and now the argument is that Obama is old news because "Palin is the new celebrity." Weren't you just saying that being a celebrity was a bad thing? Go back to bed in one of your 7 houses, John. I'm honestly terrified of Palin and both of them are doing us a disservice by setting back voting rights at least 30 years with her abortions and Roe v. Wade talk.
I also can't stand that McCain and Palin are trying for the "white collar" vote. You know what that translates to? White people. They want every white vote they can get because they're under the assumption all black people are voting for Obama. And they talk about McCain being "one of the people." So here's my opinion on that: McCain graduated 5th to last in his class at West Point. To get into West Point, you must know very smart, very privileged people. He has 7 houses. He divorced his wife after she waited on him, believing him to be dead for 5 years; he then married who is essentially Barbie with millions of dollars. He hasn't really had to work for many of his opportunities for school or work (and don't give me his POW list. I know already. I commend him for it, I respect him for it, but I don't think that just gives him the right to be President). Obama was raised by a single mom; he had to work for everything he earned, scholarships to school, etc. He is incredibly smart, taught classes in Chicago, and made his way in the ranks of his job. I don't understand how THAT is not the American Dream. To let all of us know that any one of us can grow up past the problems of our childhood into an amazing person with leadership and strength to lead our country. To start with nothing, and grow into something...as opposed to just being handed everything in life. How can Obama not have our respect and compassion? I know Republicans will just say I'm biased, but tell me, how is Obama any less of a man than McCain? Why does he not deserve the presidency more than McCain?
Quit watching your damn Fox news talking smack about Democrats. If you do, I'll put my CNN on pause for a second to listen to your argument, assuming it's not full of racism or insults. If you really aren't ignorant, but still against Obama, read one of his books and come back to me with your opinion about "he's a Muslim." And for god's sake keep your guns to yourself, because once this all blows over, we all have to learn to get along and become a unified country again, because the economy and the rest of America is going straight down the toilet if we keep up this divided unit of "I'm right and better than you." But I'm tired of this back and forth, "well you started it" business. McCain's fighting dirty. It ought to show just how classy Obama is by trying to brush it off up until this point.
If McCain wins I'm totally leaving the country. I'm not going to fight anyone and I feel I'm open minded enough to hear all sides. But not when it's full of hate and ignorance. Just don't. It's people like you who are tearing and will continue to tear this country apart. It's 2008 people. Get with the times.
A democratic American,
L.C.

Sometimes Your Soul Surprises You.

2008-09-11T16:29:00.004-05:00

Things are better. I'd been down lately, homesick and wanting to be there for people when there's not much I can do to help. My soul is still getting a beat-down, but it's trying to rise up and make the best of things. I've had a couple of really long talks with my brother and he's made some very valid points. I know that many people have been telling me the same things for a while, but from him it's very different. My brother has been my mentor, my protector, my hero my entire life, and whatever he says goes. (For example: I just had to get bright red Chucks like he had like 10 years ago; and at 14, when he told me how great contacts were, I made our dad go out that weekend and help me get them and I've been wearing them ever since) He knows me so well and sometimes picks up on things even when I don't say anything at all and he's gotten very good at it as I get older.
Anyways, enough smushiness. Basically, my brother has given me some very sound advice and I've taken it to heart. I'm tired of surviving and it's time to live; I've been doing pretty well on that front, but it's time to step it up and take care of this emptiness my soul feels. I think I'm on the right path. I won't jinx it, but I think some very good things are coming my way. I'm 23 years old and I refuse to regret things 10 years down the road, when I have no energy to do them or actual responsibilities to handle. It's time to buckle down and get serious about doing things I want before it's too late.
So. Tonight's trivia night with my gang; Friday my hoebag and I are having a long-distance dinner and a movie date (Italian of course); and Saturday is class, then shopping with T and a girls' night that I'm very much looking forward to. I'm ready for class--I've been studying all week, and not just the geography assignment, but verb conjugations and simple phrases. I'm a nerd and have to be the best student possible, so it's only fair I would apply it here as well. "Si, signorina, io capisco un po l'italiano!"
And I won't be putting hamburger in the spaghetti sauce anymore ;) And no, that's not a euphemism for anything other than meat in spaghetti sauce. Apparently Italians get insulted by that kind of thing. Viva Roma!

UPDATE!! I decided it's been too long since I went home. It's the perfect opportunity to go the week I chose because it's my college's Oktoberfest where alumni get together. So I'll get to see my old alma mater (ew, I'm old) and all my best friends in VA. I get to see my mom! And I also get to be glued at the hip to my hoebag soulmate for two days reliving our college memories. My soul is so happy right now it might cry. This is exactly what I need.

L.C.

Elisabetta Posts Some Photos.

2008-09-07T17:37:00.003-05:00

I don't really have much to say today. It's a lazy Sunday and I'm sitting here studying my regions of Italy to memorize for next week's class. It was enjoyable and I think I'm going to learn a lot. I'm already excited to speak my few phrases to EG--luckily, he's patient enough not to tease me when I get it wrong.
So here are some photos that I felt like posting. It's been a short weekend and I'm already dreading the work week. My soul's doing a lot of searching these days.

The Boss at his finest in Nashville, TN.

My Morning Jacket show with the Titans game's fireworks on the river. More beautiful in person.

Let me know if I ever hit the bulls-eye.

At the Nashville City Cemetery.

Erica was the first person to point out the reflection of clouds here, even before I saw them. It made me love this photo so much more.

The train tracks and their paths.

Where are you in the Universe?

Hoebag and I on a piece of art at school one of our final weeks there.

Simpler times. I miss these.

I never knew your soul could hurt. Your heart, sure, but your soul? It's amazing the emotions this feeling can evoke. Ludovico Einaudi, at least, plays out my thoughts on his piano. Listen to "I Giorni" and the piano will whisper to your soul.
L.C.

Life.

2008-09-03T15:12:00.002-05:00

And it is here I must ask myself: What is it I want out of life?

The questions and the answers are both terrifying and exhilarating.

Meeting after work with a photography for a possible assistant job. R just told me if that didn't work out, she could mention to her photographer that I'd be willing to simply bring him coffee if it meant I could gain experience. That would be stellar.

Purchased my Italian books yesterday. Somehow as of today, I'm enrolled in a language course. I start my first beginner's Italian class this Saturday at 3. I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. 10 weeks and hopefully I'll be able to have a somewhat decent conversation with EG. We've been talking everyday. It's been fantastic to ask questions and learn so many new things. He's one of the most interesting people I've ever met and it's always such a pleasure to talk with him. It's one of the things I look forward to each day now, even if it's only for a few minutes thanks to a 7 hour time difference.

Have my Frist Center Art Museum volunteer seminar Friday after work. Looking forward to it, but don't know how much time I can commit now that I'm enrolled in a language class. But I'm going anyways, just to see if I can help in some way.

I'm being as proactive as possible, the only way I know how. I'm throwing myself into a ton of things and seeing what sticks. Not to mention keep up my impressive social life--we're getting together a trivia team at our bar for Thursday nights. This, I look forward to, because it'll be one night a week I'm guaranteed to see my friends when we're all so busy.

Lots going on. I'm okay with it. By putting a hand in any and everything, this is how I will discover myself and what is important to me. It's how I will test my happiness and determine what stays and goes.

Ciao!
L.C.

When Two Worlds Collide.

2008-08-29T11:14:00.002-05:00

Before I begin my actual entry, let me just make a side note of stating that I truly believe the American politics to now be seen as one big complicated chess game. I feel that McCain thinks by picking a woman VP, he'll bring over undecided Hillary voters. However, he picked a woman that is in her first term as governor of Alaska. If McCain were to pass away while in office, that would leave the US in the hands of someone far less experienced than Obama, as the Republicans make that claim. I see this strictly as a political move, and not necessarily a smart one.

I'll let it rest there. Should I get started, I'll never stop, and I don't particularly feel the need to blast politics today. Perhaps next week.

As previously stated (many, many times), I want to travel. My first trip will be to Rome. That's decided and I'm not budging. From Rome to Greece, and then to London, Ireland, Amsterdam and the like. Because I have been so determined lately to make this dream a reality, I felt like challenging myself to learn a new culture. At the bookstore, I purchased "La Bella Figura" by Beppe Severgnini, which explores his reasoning for the Italian mind. It's a very well-written, witty book on Italian stereotypes and how different they actually are from an American's perspective. The second was Frances Mayes' "A Year in the World" and she is also the author of "Under the Tuscan Sun." She discusses her travels in Spain, Portugal, Sicily, southern Italy, Morocco, Greece, Crete, Scotland, Turkey. I'm very excited to read that one, but Beppe came first.
In addition to getting my travel essay fix, I've also decided that I'm going to learn Italian. This has been a goal of mine for quite some time, and it's time to actually do it. It might take a little while longer since I'm poor and need actual programs and books to learn, but I have to start somewhere. I thought it might be fun if I had a penpal from Italy who spoke English so they could help me learn and practice. It's always better from a native as opposed to someone who's just visited there a few times, in my opinion.
So in doing this, by joining just one site that lets you meet people from all over the world, I have already "made friends" who are just as interested in America as I am in their countries. I've been talking with one person in particular from Rome. (We'll call him EG, since in case he reads this he knows who he is, and we've already joked about how I'm sure to butcher his name aloud in actual Italian!) EG is very smart and interested in the way America works. Turns out that a lot of the political press for presidency is aired in Rome, so other countries can keep up with the process. We talked about who I'll vote for and what I believe in as far as my desires for which path America takes; if I think America could handle a black president or a woman VP. We've only very briefly covered many things--simple things such as literature, music and what a fraternity is, to religion and politics--and it turns out, he and I are not so different. We believe the same things, both for ourselves and the world in general. He explained to me how the government in his country works, and how despite my thoughts of America now having a bad rap, he still believes our government is not as bad as I think it is, because we have certain freedoms and are not under a political scandal such that Rome is. He described his favorite part about Rome to me, how he can hear the fountains before seeing them while taking walks at night, how a stranger becomes your best friend after only a conversation. These things make my heart ache for travel--for culture, knowledge, exploration, and self-discovery.
When I say this, I don't speak just for America, but as I am American, I know what it sounds like. Human beings are pretty self-involved. We forget other people's histories, ignore tragedy, and speak loudly about our own lives. Everyone has a history of their own personal experiences, and I think most days we are so wrapped up in reminiscing our own memories that we forget about others' pasts. This concept may be difficult for me to explain. For example, when I was 18 months old, my mother had breast cancer. I obviously do not retain any memory of this, but she does. I cannot begin to imagine how painful some of those memories are for her, and yet they are there for her to remember always. I will never know those memories. The same goes for anyone, and not just for those who have had hard times; I will never be able to fully understand anyone's past except my own. Should I have children, they'll roll their eyes when I talk about my life in the day, but will never really understand it, no matter how many questions they ask.
I think the point I'm making is that sometimes we forget we are all in this together. It is people like EG, who is willing to have intelligent discussion with me and ask genuine questions, who make this world go round. We speak our opinions and grow with knowledge, and it is people like EG who I hope will save the world with me, who want to make the world a better place. It gives me hope knowing that even while we may not all speak the same language, many of us want the same things, both for themselves and for the future. And it is this reason I believe the world can be a better place, as long as we can all strive for a better tomorrow.
Thanks, EG, for helping me go from the Joker's side back to Batman's. I look forward to our next Italian lesson. Have a great weekend in Rome. One day, I'll visit those fountains, eat real Italian food, and cry at the beauty and depth of history Rome exudes. I can't wait.
L.C.

Morality and Chaos.

2008-08-26T13:02:00.004-05:00

I've officially gone to see "The Dark Knight" 3 times; once in a regular theatre, twice in IMAX. It's unbelievable. Beautiful. Brilliant. Easily on my newly updated list of top 10 favorite movies. Perhaps even the top 5. For many people, they talk about the theatrics; the adrenaline rush of car chases and fight scenes. There's talk of Heath Ledger receiving an Oscar; I hope that he does. He was amazing. And obviously made that movie. I'd go see it again right now if someone wanted to. And I'd still gasp at the heights, jumps, violence, and clarity.
However, despite the climactic, hold your breath don't look now scenes, the part I'm most interested in becomes clearer towards the end of the show. The first time I saw this movie, I reveled in the action. The second time got my brain humming about the deeper meaning, while this last viewing really got me started on how I think on the world today. (And PS, I'm about to reveal some spoilers, so stop reading if you don't want any ideas of how the movie goes.)
This world is not pretty. It is not beautiful, it is not perfect, and it is not the movies. There are wars, hunger, crime, poverty. Those on the top of the cultural totem pole pretend not to notice or care. The Joker is the bad guy. You're not supposed to like him, understand him, or relate to him. Yet Christopher Nolan has taken a loathed character, made him far darker than ever before, and yet still manages to make me honestly understand how he thinks about the world and why he's so insistent on destroying it.
In perhaps what is one of the best speeches in movie history in regards to morality and chaos, the Joker hunts down Two-Face to have a chat. Two-Face, previously the shining White Knight of Gotham, is finally brought down to the level the Joker plays. And we see that the Joker, while an evil, psychopathic villain, is actually quite brilliant; he understands the human mind and loves to pit people against one another to show a person's true colors when it really matters. He is someone who blows up buildings just for the fun of it (okay, it's fun for him. But it's not his point); he endangers lives and messes with people because he's proving a point that when it comes down to it, people are only in it for themselves and cannot handle that which does not make sense.
To prove my point, I want you to read his speech to Two-Face in the hospital. He is defending himself to show that he himself is not the problem; he is merely "an agent of chaos" proving just how people will react in a difficult situation:

"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon's got plans. You know, they're schemers. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I'm not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So, when I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know that I'm telling the truth.
"It's the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and uh, look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. You know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I tell the press that like a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all, part of the plan. But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
"Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fear." -The Joker (The Dark Knight, 2008).

In another part of the film, he also says "You'll see, I'll show you, that when the chips are down, these uh... civilized people, they'll eat each other."

You understand this, don't you? You read this and whether you agree with it, you know that in a way, he is correct in stating how we react to something that isn't supposed to happen. People go about their everyday lives even while our families and soldiers are getting killed overseas. We regret their deaths and mourn their lives, but we go on, because it is what we expect. However, when a terrorist flies a plane into our buildings one September morning, we panic. It is not on our list of things to do that day. Now I know that perhaps you want to argue Batman's side of things and recall how the nation came together to donate money, time, and items to families and strangers alike. I truly commend them. However, my argument here is that what happened to that? It's been 7 years and I don't see much of a resurgence in this generosity. I'm not saying it doesn't happen everyday; I'm merely stating that it appears to me as though for something huge like that to happen again, we must have another terrible tragedy to remind people why we do generous things. People run out of money; they get lazy or forgetful; they don't have the time to go help out. There are always excuses for why we start out strong, then later simmer off to close to nothing. This doesn't mean we will tear one another apart in the face of darkness; but it seems to go along with the Joker's theme of why the world works the way it does.
I do not sympathize with the Joker. I do not plan on going out to create anarchy in order to prove his point. I merely understand his point of view and can see why he thinks about the world the way he does. I don't think he's wrong. I think there are people out there willing to prove him wrong, as we see at the end of the film. But I do believe that he's correct in saying that we panic when it's not scheduled; we attempt everyday to scheme and plan and I'm not the only one who gets frustrated or freaks out when things don't go the way I expect them to. My sister and her husband decided not to have children because she simply did not want to bring a child into this chaotic world; my brother, ever the optimist, wanted to bring children in to raise into a good person, to try and change the world into what we wish it to be.
The Joker gets to Two-Face. The purest of them all has fallen to the Joker's level. Two-Face tells Batman and Commissioner Gordon "You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance.
[holds up his coin] Unbiased. Unprejudiced. Fair."
The optimists of the world are screaming at him not to believe this. They're now telling the world he's wrong; to uphold Batman, Commissioner Gordon, Rachel, and their belief in the good of people. How Gotham's citizens couldn't take a life, no matter how vile or disgusting they believe it to be. I won't say they're wrong. I simply think the Joker has a very, very good point. Sure, he's crazy and belong in Archum Asylum. He believes he's not a monster. He's merely "just ahead of the curve." Of course we need rules, structure, laws; otherwise, chaos would reign and no one would have a real chance of actually living.
But I see the Joker's point. I'm just sayin'.

I want to go back to school so badly just to write this paper. It's fascinating. Sorry for the lecture; I'm merely an English major with an insatiable need to explore people and places in a literate way.
All I know is, "The Dark Knight" is effin' sweet.

"Never start with the head--the victim gets all fuzzy."
L.C.

In the Name of Art.

2008-08-18T14:56:00.006-05:00

I took some great advice--rather than sit around and think about all the things I want to do, I decided to take action. I complained about being creatively frustrated and how I wanted to fix it. I wanted to go out and take some photos, maybe buy a sketchbook--so I did. When I was in creative writing classes, one of the biggest problems I had was that I used verbs passively, rather than actively. Ironically enough (?), turns out I do the same thing with life. I've become so used to things falling into my lap that I've forgotten sometimes you have to work hard to get what you want.
So this weekend T and I went out and I had one of the best Saturdays I've had in a long time (minus my hoebag weekend of course--we can sit there and stare at each other and be perfectly content). She's one of the best people I've been with on a photography adventure. She's open to anything and more than willing to go with the flow--whatever happens, happens, and I felt like we were on a real adventure. So T came over and while we were driving downtown to figure out where to start, she had the great idea of actually finding a place she'd always wanted to look at, but never visited. Just by going outside our comfort zone of the usual photo spots was inspiration. Turns out it was the Yazoo Brewery Factory and this place absolutely rocked for photos. That's part of why Saturday was so great--we went out with no idea of where we wanted to go except around, and we ended up finding this great place we can't wait to revisit. It's really old and looks historic; one of the backsides of the building is falling apart, thanks to what we later found out was a train that had careened into the side last October. They've also got tours that we're getting a group together for and it'll be great! But we got some awesome shots and I was able to take home a couple of treasures from our adventure. T spotted an old microphone--one of those metal and steel models from the 40s and 50s--and she was kind enough to let me take it home with me. I also took a piece of railroad metal with me, in the shape of a J. I've decided that if I can, I'd like to take a piece of each adventure with me when I leave it. A collection of treasures, if you will. In addition to the Yazoo Brewery, we also found the City Cemetery, which was absolutely stellar. They had some great statues and carvings and I took some really nice shots.
I also went to an art store and bought several supplies (and learned that I am far too poor to buy too many art supplies-yikes!), some of which included: a large sketchbook for home and a smaller one to take around with me (I despite sketching on lined paper), colored pencils and regular drawing pencils, and eraser. I also went into the kiddie section and bought some crayola markers and the sweetest paint-in-pens ever (I love these things. The paint dries instantly, but it's bright and you can keep it off your hands). I'm not what I would consider a "real artist." But I'm currently reading "The Artist Within: A Guide to Becoming Creatively Fit" by Whitney Ferre, which is actually a book my company is publishing. The author is well-known around Nashville thanks to her wine tasting bar and art gallery. But I've been really impressed with her advice. It's not "just for artists." She stresses how her book is not just for artists, but for anyone who feels they are in a slump creatively. Her exercises are simple, but when you actually sit down and try them, you'd be surprised at what can be revealed, even emotionally.
After T and I got back from our adventures, I sat down with my supplies and stared down the blank pages. In a writer's or artist's opinion, there's typically nothing scarier than a blank page waiting for you to create. For my writing courses, that terrified me, because you have to start with nothing and create something. (And when you're getting graded on it, it better be damn good.) But I used a couple exercises from my book, and she has a great suggestion. Take a daydream you have; it can be anything--someplace you want to visit, a job you wish you had, colors you see when you close your eyes--whatever. Now draw it exactly as you see it in your head, not necessarily in photos. There is no right or wrong to this. I think that's the important thing--you have to open up your right brain (the creative side) and do whatever tickles your fancy. In art, you have to ignore your left brain (the logical side) and don't let it tell you why you can't do something. It doesn't matter if you want to paint the sky pink--do it. If you're creating something for you, then as long as you like it, that's all that matters. I ended up drawing my daydream-Greece. Blue waters, white beach, pink drinks, and open skies and windows. Now, it might look as though a 10 year old drew it. That's okay. The fact is, I know what it is and what it stands for, and whenever I went back to that drawing later, I felt a sense of peace because I knew that one day, I'll get there. I felt happy when I looked at that drawing later.
I want to take these things I'm learning and apply them to everyday life. Just after a mere day of creativity, I feel lighter than I have in over two weeks. Even while I may not realize it, I'm releasing my emotions on paper which in turn lets you feel looser; you're not bottling it all up. I'm not letting my right brain loose completely. After all, life does carry responsibilities. But the point is that we all need to let our left brain rest a while to kick back and let the creative side out. I was amazed at how much better I felt (and feel), and maybe you will, too. I just know that with one day, I feel so good in my head. If I can keep doing this, keep creating, keep exploring and documenting my view of life, I'm going to be so much happier in the long run. I now feel motivated to go out and find more beautiful things to photograph, to jump in my car and just drive to a random spot. I feel motivated to live my life actively, instead of passively. I want to BE the action, not watch it pass by. Even if it's just for a short while, I get it. I get what people are telling me about living life to the fullest. And I want to keep doing that. This weekend was like therapy for me. I don't mind going back for more sessions.
I'll try to post some of the better pictures later. For now? Time to schedule another adventure. I'm done waiting around for the adventures to come to me.
L.C.

Creatively Frustrated.

2008-08-13T16:39:00.006-05:00

I like to think that I'm not really a complainer. I have my fair share of whining, but I do think that I try to look on the bright side of life and get around any obstacles in my path.
However, I cannot seem to get around this obstacle of feeling like I'm not living up to my full potential. This is an obstacle purely because I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is in my way and how I'm going to get around it this time.
I'm a pretty practical girl. I don't need a lot of things and I appreciate what I have. I don't do many things on a whim or blow lots of cash. The only thing I've really "blown cash" on was my camera and that's totally worth it. I'm happy with what I have. However, in the last year I've felt totally lost. I am no longer that confident chick on campus who blazes through at all hours of the day doing a million things at once. I have become stagnant. I'm doing my best to change this--I'm signing up to take my photography class at Watkins next month; I've signed up to be a volunteer at the Frist Center (the art museum for those who aren't familiar with Nashville); I joined a gym; and I have a steady job, complete with a fairly busy social life now that I finally have friends that I can see on a weekly basis.
That being said, I don't know if all these things are going to fix this hole in my life, this feeling that I'm still not truly living up to my potential. As I said, I'm a logical person. I don't just drop everything to go on a crazy trip or anything like that. But in the last year, I've wanted nothing more than to CREATE. I have no artist skills whatsoever, no proper training and I've always been shy about putting anything of mine out there because I know there are far more talented than I. But I want nothing more than to photograph, paint, sculpt, anything that lets me open my brain and reveal some beautiful thought inside. I feel like I have all these ideas on the tip of my tongue, with no way to express them thoroughly, so instead I just sit here in frustration as I try to find some outlet for my creativity.
I want to go home and blare Zeppelin and throw paint onto a canvas, just to see how it comes out. I want to write a short story and prove to my old creative writing professor that I do learn from my mistakes. I want to take beautiful photos and blow them up to put on my wall. I want to put me in every single thing I do and show that I'm not all talk.
I feel like I have things standing in my way and I know the only thing standing in my way is ME. I'm the only one who can get these thoughts outside my head, but I honestly don't know where or how to begin. Time is also a factor as far as obstacles go, but that one is simple enough to get around. I do most of my creative stuff on the weekends, which is why I look forward to them so much. I'm hoping this weekend is a definite winner-Tara agreed to go out with me this weekend to go around and take photos; she's a really creative person and I'm hoping I can bounce ideas off her and she can give me some kind of positive feedback (you're just in for a treat Saturday, aren't you T? ;) ) I just wish I knew how to break through my frustrations and create the way I want to; however, I think even once I get it on paper, I'll crinkle my nose and decide it's no good. I got a packet for Watkins College of Art & Design last week and all I could think of was how intimidated I would be if I went to school for something like that (it's going to be hard enough walking into a strange classroom of people--I'm terrified). I have never had very strong self-esteem when it comes to my work; there are always people out there who are 10 times more creative than me. But I want to try, and I hope that counts for something.
Many times, I have these grandiose ideas of what I want to do and they end up falling flat for whatever reason--no money, no skills, I get bored and stumble upon a new idea, etc. I really want photography to pan out. I don't want to consider it "just a hobby." I've seen lots of photographers with blogs who post their wedding photos and portraits and other abstracts. I feel that if I had just a bit more training under my belt, I could do all those things too. People seem to enjoy the photos I take, even actual photographers, but when they ask what actual experience I've had, I can't really answer. I've technically done one wedding, but the rest are just photos I take for fun. That's one reason I'm taking the photography and photoshop classes. I want to be able to tell people I've had SOME sort of training and that way I'm not just some chick with a camera. I've asked my genius hoebag to design a logo of some sort for me, both for business cards and as a watermark on actual photos ("LC Photography") We'll see how it pans out, but I'm excited just to have some sort of "real" start if this is what I'm interested in. It may not be a full time career, or even a part time deal, but having it could make all the difference between a picture some girl took, or a photo that was taken by a "photographer." I feel like that sounds very odd, but hopefully it makes some sort of sense.
So here I am, creatively frustrated and desperately needing a way to express myself. Anyone got any suggestions?
L.C.

Olympian Thoughts

2008-08-11T12:57:00.007-05:00

As we were watching the Olympics for the past few nights, it's occurred to me how sad the entire situation really is. We were watching the opening ceremonies Friday night and while I unfortunately missed the incredible first hour, it was the introduction of countries that made me think. It's incredibly unfortunate that the only time every country in the world can get along is during the Olympics. You have citizens from every nation, every country you've never heard of, competing and befriending in harmony. J pointed out that it works well because there are no politics involved. But what if we took that theory and applied it to real life? President Bush was in an interview last night during the swim matches and he stressed how important it is to respect China, despite cultural and political differences. This year's summer Olympics are perhaps one of the most important events to ever happen to that country, even after 5,000 years of life-changing history. They're trying incredibly hard to prove to the world that they are a powerhouse country. And let's face it, they are. They've managed to succeed in ways that no one thought. They have 1.6 BILLION people in their country, 1/5th of the world's population. BILLION. That number is unfathomable to me. Many of our products are made in China, and China grosses billions of dollars a year. Unfortunately, their treatment of human beings is the dealbreaker. China looks like a fantastic country--until you remember Tibet. China sounds like a great place--until you realize they're Communists. China appears to be one of the strongest nations in the world--until you understand their approximation of human suffering. Empathy has never appeared to be one of China's strong suits. Their treatment of Tibetans is appalling, and while I'm not about to go make an ass out of myself via Sharon Stone, I will say that I wish they would step back and look at it through our eyes; to see how important human life is and why we should respect all aspects of humanity. I've never had a desire to visit China. When I think about all the traveling I want to do and where I plan on going, China has never been on that list. And I think that's a shame, considering how important this country is and how much history has guided it to today. I don't think that the government doesn't care about their people; I believe that hundreds of countries (not just China) have become so set in their ways after hundreds of years that they fear change. They fear revolt and anarchy, chaos and mutiny. I can understand where that might harbor a will to survive in extreme circumstances. However, I must wonder if anyone has suggested this to the people--to get their opinion on things. The citizens' opinions matter. Without them, there isn't really a country to run. Awful things have happened in every country (America's no saint. I seem to recall something like the Salem Witch Trials, or the imprisonment camps we put American-Japanese citizens into during WWII); people have a right to be scared of a repeat scenario (a reenactment of China's Tienanmen's Square, perhaps, or Argentina's los desaparecidos). What if they want change? What if they want out of Communism, if they wish their leaders would consider breaking out of the old ways?
It's not just China either. I'm not trying to spend this entire time ragging on China. It's just easy to want to make an example out of them. My main concern is the fact that everyone in the world tolerates one another when it comes to the athletic prowess of their countries in a big event. Why can we not apply this to everyday, normal life between nations? I think the world would be a happier place if we could focus all our energies on working together, rather than defending ourselves. It'll never happen. I've wished on birthday candles and turkey wishbones for world peace my entire life (no joke, I really have). I wish that I could say I will see world peace in my lifetime. But it won't be, if it's ever accomplished at all. I truly hope it is one day, for my grandchildren or great-grandchildren (or grandcats, whatever happens, happens). But that's the thing that kills me about the US sticking their hands in an angry dog fight that isn't theirs--countries have been fighting for their religion for thousands of years. They won't stop just because Bush wags his finger at them or we ask to play nice. I don't know what it's going to take. It took an extreme tragedy for the US to wake up and realize we are no longer the most loved in the world yearbook. We should all want to change the world. But we need to understand that we are not all alike; we do not share the exact same values, worship the same god(s), or enjoy the same things. I may never understand, but I can tolerate. However, I cannot and will not tolerate desecration of human life. So what will it take for all of us to compromise so that we may make a better future for ourselves? There are many brave men who want to take on the challenge, but there are few smart enough to get us there. I'm hoping that can change in November. If the whole world took on the same attitude towards humanity the way we did the Olympics, I think we'd have something. We may not understand. But we can tolerate and compromise. We could make the world work peacefully, if not perfectly.
Whew. This has been my first political piece in a while. It feels good.
L.C.

I'm Drawing a Blank for a Catchy Title Here.

2008-08-05T13:05:00.007-05:00

Sorry about that folks. I'm usually better with "insertion of witty captions here" but today I drew a total blank.
The last few days haven't been anything unusual, but they've still been good. We've been spending a lot of time in 3 Crow. Friday J and I went up to Batter'd and Fried and I believe J has found "his place." It's bar that's filled with Red Sox memorabilia. Plus they were playing the game on TV that Jason can't get on our tube, so he was in heaven. The fried scallops were pretty bomb, too.
Sunday was the real fun though. It was a random get together that escalated in all sorts of antics. We decided to go to 3 Crow since it's 2 for 1 on Sundays and I invited my friend Tara to meet us there. She was with her friend Molly, so after waiting on us forever, J, Seaver and I drove the approximately 30 seconds up there. We stayed for a while and were joined by Tara's cousin Jennifer and we were all having such a good time we ended up back at the house so I could show it off to Tara, who's been one of my designers (though she didn't know it at the time!). We ended up drinking and playing Wii and just in general having a great time for a school night. Everyone left around midnight and that was that. But it was nice to have people over. I've always been the Monica Gellar of my friends--I love playing hostess and having everyone come over. Part of this might be because after they're gone I don't have to drive anywhere and can just collapse, but I really do enjoy entertaining. I think we all paid for it Monday morning, but regardless, it was a fun time.
J suggested this Saturday we have our housewarming party. This weekend was one of my picks, but I wasn't sure we could do it. Tara and I have made plans to join Jennifer at the Tomato Art Festival, which I'm excited about seeing, but since the weather is supposed to be sunny and a balmy 80 degrees, I couldn't argue with his idea. So he's buying a grill this week (such a man) and we'll feed people and they can bring their beverages of choice. I'm really looking forward to it now. This will be the third or fourth weekend in a row that I'm really excited about since we're in the house, and that makes me wonder if this will continue. If this is what I've been missing out on for the last year, and if this is what's going to make life better--being with friends and making new ones. I feel as though I'm slowly getting attached to the area and that could be a good or bad thing depending on certain things. I've just got a lot going on in my head and I want to make sure I'm making the right decisions for ME, rather than anyone else. Not that anything I just said cleared anything up or let people in my head, but yea.
The gym has gone well thus far. I joined last Tuesday and went Wed and Thurs. J warned me to take it slow since he didn't want me feeling burnt out so soon after joining, so I might not go every single day. But I went yesterday after work and managed to tackle the elliptical for 25 minutes and the treadmill at the fastest speed short of jogging for another 25 minutes. So I feel that even though it may not be flat out running, I'm getting more exercise than I used to when I just sat around on the couch all night! E and I have a bet going for the next 6 months on who can lose more weight (safely of course); as much as I'd like to kick her ass, she's got one up on me with her goal of becoming a trophy wife. Makes her work a little harder, haha. Anyways, the goal is to start out slow on the treadmill/elliptical, then work my way up to the harder stuff, like kickboxing class and maybe even pilates. We'll see how it goes. I also realize that I have and want a life, so I don't want the gym taking up more time than I want it to; I have to be in control of that to prevent myself from going overboard and then burning out so that I never want to go back and waste a year's contract.
In the meantime, here's my bright blue room with my brown couch (though it's darker than it looks in this picture). The rest of the house is awesome too, but I won't bore you with all those. Just wanted to show off my eye-popping color. I think it's perfect:

One that E took of me in the tunnel at the park behind Belcourt:

And one of the amazing mosaic tile dragon in the park that we had a blast with:

So now it's back to work and also preparations for the weekend. I've already heard back from several people with their RSVPs. Looks to be promising weekend.
Staying busy,
L.C.

Time to Get In Shape.

2008-07-30T13:29:00.006-05:00

So much and yet so little to discuss. I feel as though my life has been on a whirlwind ride the last few weeks and now things are finally calming down and becoming stable. We finally moved into the house, after months and months of my talking about it. Before our stuff was in, I had my doubts about making it look like MY place. But now, it's amazing. My hoebag soulmate came to visit and we painted the living room bright blue and the kitchen is now yellow. We have a big chocolate brown couch (I had never wanted to stretch out in front of the TV so badly before) and the kitchen isn't as bad as I originally expected space-wise now that everything has a spot. Like I've stated, my superpower is to unpack things and make it look as though I've lived in the space for months instead of hours, and turns out I still got it. We've been living there for a week and it looks as though we've been there for a long time. J loves to play his electric guitar as loud as possible and I'm still amazed at how close we are to everything. My max time getting to work is 8 minutes. 8 MINUTES. From what used to be a 45 minute drive. I don't even know what to do with all the spare time. I love it here. E and I had a wonderful time together and I missed her the second she got into her car and left. But before I get sad, let me state that we had fantastic adventures and lots of mischief. Found some great clothes in the thrift shop (I cannot wait to wear my "European rain shoes" haha) and of course we got to cuddle and just be with each other. And she got to meet a lot of my friends, which was great cause now she knows they're not imaginary. I feel so complete with her. You'd swear we were in a relationship if you didn't know we were straight! (In fact, I'm pretty confident some people at the Lipstick Lounge though we WERE together!)
For anyone who's seen me in the last few weeks, I'm sure you're well aware of the leprosy I've developed. Just kidding--it's not leprosy. It's pretty much the worst case of poison oak/ivy ever (a doctor told me that, for real). Because I'm impatient and have no willpower, I made the stupid mistake of scratching my arms and legs and now I look like I have a disease. I try not to make a big deal of it, but I swear, the next stranger who asks me what happened, I'm going to tell them my skin is eating itself and I have 6 months to live. For real, what if it were some awful disease? What business is it of strangers to stick their nose in my business? I just don't get that. Aaanyways, so I went to the doctor (J dragged me), only to have the dude tell me to keep doing what I'm doing (Benadryl, Caladryl and oven mitts!) and have more willpower to not scratch. Okay. Glad I paid $25 for you to tell me that. Fantastic.
Point of the story is that I had to get weighed, every female's least favorite part about a visit. The number that came up stunned me and I left incredibly depressed. However, instead of feeling sorry for myself (I won't lie, I had some Oreos that night), yesterday I went and joined the gym that's literally a minute up the road, Gym5. This morning, I got up at 6.15 and walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes, then came back and got ready for work. It felt good. Granted, it wasn't much, but the way I see it, I have to move my way slowly back up to doing more than just walking. That and the fact that when I stepped off the treadmill, I thought for sure I'd fall over and embarrass myself with my wobbly legs (they thought the floor was still moving). And let's face it, 7 a.m. is just too early in the morning for embarrassing mishaps in front of athletic strangers who are (literally) running circles around you. Anyways, there's kickboxing on Mondays, yoga, pilates and pole dancing (I'm gonna pass on that one thanks). I'd like to keep going in the mornings to get my day started and that's my goal, though I know there are going to be some days that I'd rather slit my wrists than get up early and go on an elliptical, in which case I can go straight after work and still be home before dinnertime.
For me, it's not really about vanity. I don't really think I look heavy. But the scale says otherwise for my height. And I know that if I lost weight, I'd feel better, too. And honestly, once you feel good about yourself, it's all downhill from there. E and I used to go the gym all the time at school; instead of gaining the freshmen 15, we actually lost it. Then when I moved here, we were so displaced from everything and I had nothing to do for 3 months but sit and snack. I feel I've done really well the last 6 months in switching to more fruits/vegetables, whole grains, and lean meats, but it's still not doing much. So I need to exercise and my Wii Fit, while fabulous, is just not gonna cut it. This truly is about my health--I'm in good shape as far as blood pressure and cholesterol goes (I was told I had 72/116 Monday) but to be even healthier and make sure I can have this body for as long as it can hold up, I need to do more than just eat right.
However, I am one of those people who start out really strong on something, then once I become bored with it, I quickly move on to the next thing. I really need this to be a lifestyle change and not just something I do for a couple months and then get lazy (I mean, I'm paying $40 every month for a year). So if anyone has any words of advice or encouragement on that note, I'll gladly take it to make my money well-spent on making myself feel better.
I'm not saying my whole life is based on my weight. Things are going great, and have been better in the last week than the last year just with the move--being closer, having friends nearby and things to do. Already I'm hanging out with people I have never gotten to know were I still all the way out in Antioch. However, my self-esteem has plummeted in the last few months because of my weight gain and hiding from the public. Everything else in my life--relationship, friends, work--is going really well. If I can just find that balance, I think it'll make everything ten times better. Of course, as I say that, Murphy's up there with his Law planning some new trick in the plan. Gah.
Workin' it out,
L.C.

Wordle Creates Some Neat Things.

2008-07-24T11:37:00.005-05:00

Tara finds the greatest things. I love this so much. It takes your most-used words from your blog and creates a neat little banner. Once Tara teaches me how to make it bigger, it'll be easier to view properly. Thanks so much for finding this and passing it along, and thanks to Wordle for making it so cool.

Sooo much to do this weekend. My hoebag's here and we have a lot to do in very little time. I'll be sure to write a better entry next week chronicling the Adventures of Liz & Erica.

Ecstatically happy and finally feeling whole,

L.C.

Anticipation.

2008-07-16T09:03:00.006-05:00

One of my favorite commercials is the Bud Light commercial where he's able to talk to animals; when he speaks to his dog, all the dog wails for is "Sausages!" Everytime we pretended to talk as Luda, the dog we were watching, she said "Sausages!" a lot. I saw this picture this morning on the I Has A Hotdog site. It cracked me up. I had to send it to E because she used to have a boxer and I loved this little guy's ears flying every which way.

I love it!

After my last post of having goals, I'm pleased to say that my own boyfriend handed me a list of very realistic goals he wants to achieve before he's 30 (5 years). There were 5 things on the list, and they weren't what I might designate as dreams, but I suppose dreams and goals can be two separate, yet equally attainable, things. Things on his list included recording a real studio album (not necessarily for a "big label"--just something that wasn't made off a desktop computer program); owning a home; having a dependable job he enjoys; saving up for a retirement fund so he can quit work comfortably; and being married. I'm a little torn on this last one--he's two years older than I am, so if he wants to be married BY the time he's 30, that means it'd probably happen when I was 26 or 27 years old. That's like...3 years away. That kinda freaks me out. J and I have somehow totally switched spots in almost 5 years. In the first couple years, I was the one focused on the future and what was going to happen, whereas he wanted to take it one day at a time and just enjoy the present. Now that we're out of school and trying to be responsible adults, he's the one who talks about long term things and now I'm the one who panics and thinks about all the things I want to do before I'm tied down to any one person or kids. It's not about not wanting to be with him; it has nothing to do with that. I don't mind the idea of being with him for a long time. In fact, I've sort of already accepted this. But the idea of settling down and being married before I'm 30..I guess it's a pretty standard thing, but for some reason the whole notion just gives me the heebie-jeebies. I suppose it's because I've always been a pretty independent person and there are all these things I've always wanted to do before being married and now I feel like I have this timeline that I have to do certain things before I can commit to forever.
My soulmate Hoebag and I talk a lot about running away together to do something amazing. We talked about the Peace Corps for a while and when J found out, he freaked. I think the only way I could really do something like that and him be okay with it is if I were to go back to school and travel abroad or something. Not just get up and go. I am an extremely responsible person. My mom helps me pay my school loans because she told me she'd never leave me hanging, but I feel incredibly guilty just thinking about how angry she'd be if I told her I was going away for a few months. She has an argument for everything, and it's always money. If we had endless amounts of it, obviously it wouldn't be a big deal. But we don't, so it is. I think even if I were in complete control of my bills, she'd still be angry if I tried to travel for a long period of time. She's a homebody and doesn't really have any desire to travel at all; I like being at home a lot, but I've always wanted to travel, both in America and abroad. I don't want money to be the sole reason I regret something in my life. I don't want to be one of the millions of people in incredible debt, but I also feel that when you die, you don't take your bills with you. When I'm 75 years old, I want to say "We had an amazing time in Europe. I'm so glad we did that; let's do it again!" instead of "I sure wish I had gone to Europe. Now it's too late." I also want to do this while I'm young and in my 20s. I want my 30s to be the age I take care of my family. I want to be spontaneous and experience unique adventures. I just don't want to feel guilty doing it.
In other news, we're moving this week! It's finally here. We haven't packed nearly as much as I'd have liked, but since it's just across town and we have two weeks, we're not too worried. As I just stated, we don't have to be out of our current apartment until the end of July, but we plan on being outta there this weekend. By Sunday, I should be in my new house. My superpower is to make a place look as though I've lived there for months when I've only been there a few hours, so I'm pretty sure I can make it livable by Sunday evening. I'm so excited. J and I have been carpooling to work this week and each morning and evening we just say "Only 3 more days of this and then we're done." Of course this whole moving weekend is overshadowed by next weekend's adventures with my hoebag. She's visiting for 3.5 days and we're both just giddy with excitement. I'm really glad I'll be busy with moving and work because otherwise it would take forever for her visit. I can't (and won't) begin to express the feelings I have about her visiting. We're totally gay for one another and we're pretty much the same person. I don't really believe in romantic soulmates, but I do believe she's mine!
It's just about time to go sign the lease. This next month is going to be amazing. I can't wait for the adventures next weekend. If excitement is contagious, then stand back, 'cause I'm about to explode chunks of happiness everywhere.
L.C.

Goals.

2008-07-09T12:41:00.003-05:00

I've recently become aware of just how lazy I've been in the last year. I kind of always knew in the back of my head, but lately that part of my brain has really been yelling at me, telling me to get off the couch and do something.

I have always been an extremely ambitious person. Most of my references to this date back to college. I'm not bragging, but here's a list of things I did in 4 years. I was a: Dean's List student, college radio station (WMLU) business manager, WMLU DJ, WMLU Bandfest Chair, WMLU battle of the bands chair, newspaper staff writer, Young Democrat member, Dining Hall supervisor, city radio station (WFLO) DJ, and I was lucky enough to win several awards and commendations. And this was all on top of classes and a social life! My mom used to make fun of me because she sent me away for 4 years of the most expensive away camp ever. A huge part of all this is because I'm an extremely lucky person. I'm average. I'm not an incredible athlete or scholar, I'm not model-material and I don't really have any "special" talents. I can't play an instrument or dance to the beat. However, I think that because I'm average, this makes me work harder. I have never been one to sit on sidelines. I've always gone for my dreams, no matter how insane or fleeting they seemed. I can't ever be just an average anything. I started out wanting to take some random photos, and now I've got an incredible camera and I'm entering my photos in contests and displays, and offering to shoot weddings, musicians, and events. A couple years ago, someone suggested having a small concert. I took the idea and ran with it, and ended up turning into a whole night's worth of entertainment and fundraising. I don't just carry out an idea. I go as far as I can possibly go with it. It's always one step further for me, and I've always been happy about this because my work always comes out so much better than originally anticipated.

I don't settle for second best, and I'm always wondering how to get the better end of the deal. As in, along with taking things further, I want the best of everything I can get. This doesn't necessarily mean material goods (I'm all about some neat thrift stores), but when it comes to work or anything, I'm always on the lookout for the next best thing. I suppose if you want to be a therapist, you could say this stems from my constant determination to keep my parents happy as a kid. They were always unhappy with each other, so I made sure they were happy with me. To disappoint them was the worst thing I could think of; I would ground myself if I came home with a C in math! I do the same thing now. I work hard because I would be humiliated if I got fired, I try to be the best girlfriend I can be so he doesn't randomly break up with me, and I try to be the best friend I can so they know someone is always there for them. This of course all leads to feeling taken for granted some days with certain people, but in the end, I'd rather be there for somebody than no one at all. I just want to try hard and make everyone in my life happy, but I also want to be happy for myself. I want to create things, go out and make a difference even in just one person's eyes, and really take it ten steps further like I used to.

Lately though. God. It's like all I do is sit on my couch and watch TV. I've gotten slightly better about it lately by getting more involved with photography and hanging out with friends. But when we move, I plan on throwing myself back into the old swing of things, back when I loved to be involved, even to the point where I thought I'd lose my mind. Even though I went insane with my busy schedule, the end results were totally worth it. College was the most incredible 4 years of my life. I loved school from kindergarten on, but college? Man. Nothing beats those amazing memories. But I don't want college to be the "best days of my life." Now, chances are those days will always be the best memories in my life. But I want to create great new ones, right here in Nashville. I want the next chapter of my life to start and I want to make it incredible.

I want to participate in East Nashville activities. I want to volunteer at the Frist Center. I want to take so many more photos of everything and make a website so I can design a small portfolio in case anyone ever wants to see my work on somewhere other than Myspace. I want to learn more about Photoshop to make photos better. And most of all, I want to travel. I don't mean travel to Atlanta, GA, either. I mean travel to Europe. I desperately want to visit Greece, Rome, Italy, London, Ireland, New Zealand, Paris, Amsterdam..the list goes on. I want to learn Italian and speak to locals. I want to make a career out of my job, preferably make a nice chunk of money and really make an impact on and for my company.

I think these are realistic goals. Granted, the travel one may be a very far future goal, but I still think it's reachable. I don't think I'm setting my sights on anything that I can't reach. It just takes time, determination, and in some cases, money. I'll do these things either with someone or by myself, but I want to do these things before I can even think of "settling down." I'm still not even sure if I really want to have kids, and if I did, I want to do all these things long before then. I want to do these things before I'm 30! I refuse to be held back by anyone. I can't force my dreams and goals on them and perhaps they don't share the same ideas, but as long as they're willing to step aside and let me try, that's what matters. I simply do not want to grow old, look back on my life and regret not doing anything I could have done, but didn't because I was worried about money or boyfriends or jobs.

I want my sister's life--she's 44, married with no kids but her dogs, and has an amazing life. She lives in Palm Beach, FLA and is a firefighter and paramedic, teaches classes at the local college for EMTs, works at the hospital, takes cruises every year, travels, and they have a house in the Keys they visit every chance they get with their boat. She's got the best friends and she is so very happy. But it took her a long time to get there; she and my brother both have always told me I'm so much more mature and stable right now than they were at my age and I feel like I could have all the things they have, but sooner. I want happiness in all areas of my life--Jason, family, friends, work, hobbies. Now I've just got to figure out where to start.

L.C.

Cookies, Pups, and Guitars, Oh My!

2008-07-06T21:01:00.007-05:00

I really do have a big thing on my mind that I plan on writing about soon. However, because I'm super excited about a bunch of photos I took this weekend, I'm posting them right now instead of later because I'm impatient like that.
I've got some cookies I baked Friday night (yum! and how delish they were); the pup Luda we were dogsitting; and photos of J(ason) for his new album covers and such. I've also included one of our new house that we're moving into in 2 weeks! So enjoy :)

I want put this picture on every bakery in Nashville. I'll even make the cookies for them.

Our new house! Isn't it adorable? I'm so excited I could pee myself.

I love this picture of Luda.

What a sweet little puggle. Luda Christina (Helen adores Ludacris)

So those are it for now. At least, those are some of the better ones I think. Jason likes the ones of himself where you can actually see him, but I'm all about showcasing the instruments, in his case Jezebel. I think she's beautiful since she reflects light perfectly and gives me a great color to shoot.
Hope you liked them. I'll get a little more serious later on :)

L.C.

Lost!

2008-07-03T11:39:00.004-05:00

I've got a lot on my mind today. Last night I was thinking about my view on the world and the people in it (deep, right? Right?) I was mostly thinking about my constant cries for being globally conscious and aware of your community. Then I got to thinking about how I can see two sides of an argument. This is a very shortened version of how my mind thinks--it's actually much more complex in my head, but I'm trying to make it as simple as possible since there's only ever one other person who understands my chaos.

How to Live Your Life:
Argument 1: If you have money, give it away to good causes. You can volunteer and reach out to others, really try to make an impact on the world, or at least your communities. You get as involved as possible, meet lots of people and try to change the world the best you can.
Argument 2: You keep what money you have to spend on yourself and your loved ones. You can be a homebody and stay inside and avoid people in general if you want and not be called "selfish." Some might also say that you're not living your life, but simply watching it pass you by.

Side 2 sounds like a jerk. I know. I think the reason I'm even bothering with side 2 is because I've realized that I am not a people person. I like to stay in almost every night. I LOVE nothing more than to be at home, in my pajamas, eating ice cream and watching television/movies. If I lived on my own, I would probably never go anywhere except work and the grocery store. I would give money when I could, but the only way I could make a considerable donation would be if I won the lottery. I would give anything I owned to my friends and family though. But I'm just not a social person. I don't care for the honky-tonk bar scene or club night. I just want to be left alone with the people I love doing what I like best, which is reading, playing Wii, and hanging out. Does that make me a bad person? Does this make me selfish? I still want to help save the world. I talk a lot of crap about changing the world and being involved with your community and making a difference. But so far, I haven't really done a whole lot. I blame it on location, time or money when really, it's just me being lazy. It's not that I'm a big talker and don't actually want to do these things, but most days I prefer to be lazy and enjoy what little time I have away from work to do what I want, which includes relaxing, cooking, and taking pictures. I just think it's going to be more of a challenge for me because I don't have oodles of money to give away. I don't know. I want to "be the change you wish to see in the world" but it's awfully hard when money rules everything.

I received some news this morning that's left me a little shell-shocked all day. No lives were lost, no bodies discovered. Just some soul-searching that I didn't see coming. I feel like I missed the signs that usually prelude these decisions and I feel like a bad friend for being so surprised, because typically I would see these things beforehand. But my friend had their reasons for making their choice; I understand and respect it, and I'm happy for her because she believes it's the right thing to do in order to get her life together and get on track the way she wants. She's taking action and refusing to let life pass her by, and she's made the choices she needs in order to get this accomplished. I'm so very proud of her for taking this step even while knowing how hard it might be. She's willing to make a major sacrifice in order to make herself happy and live her life without being slowed down. I think she's far braver than I have ever been (or could ever be) in this situation.

I've been singing this Coldplay song a lot lately; it's one of my favorites off their new album. I think it's appropriate when considering how to move on with your life after you've felt in the dark for some time.

Coldplay: Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends: Lost!

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off…

Love you, Hoebag.
L.C.

And In Other News...

2008-07-02T12:03:00.005-05:00

I found these from Open Source Resistance. They're just a few of the many posted. I thought these were the most striking and really liked them, especially the "Plant Something" poster. I think the image is perfect.

I definitely agree with this last one. I think if people have problems, they should state their opinion. We are a democracy, and should not have to fear our government stifling us.

This weekend gave J and I the opportunity to recuperate from my previous post on theft. His rental insurance is amazing and we've already (re)bought our things and paid them off. We now have a new desktop that I believe can land a space shuttle; our beloved Wii, where we play way too many hours of tennis. Things are finally getting back to normal though. I'm still completely creeped out when I think about the guy going through my things and we don't go out at night except to take the dog out; when we went out with the guys, we were back well before midnight.

The important thing is that we're trying to move on and make things better from it. I won't say it's been a blessing in disguise. I hate that my laptop was taken, but I love our new desktop and it's going to be so much better for my photography and J's music. I've put many of my old pictures on it and my coworker found a free software that will take all the music in my iPod and transfer it into the iTunes on the computer, so I won't waste days screaming at it because I lost everything or have to sit and put 300 CDs back on there. Now if I can just get a decent handle on Photoshop (since I'm brand new to it), I'll be good to go. My friend T is getting married next week and she's really excited for me to take pictures and said she would tell everyone to hire me for pictures, so that might be beneficial. I'll be taking some of J's music photos this weekend so if anyone's got ideas that aren't cliche (smoking a cigarette, hitchhiking to Nashville, and absolutely under no circumstances any cowboy hats are my instructions), feel free to leave a note :)

Other than that, I suppose life is fairly neutral. There are some other things going on that I'd rather refrain from speaking on right now, but I did want to thank everyone who expressed such concern and support in the last week for me and this unfortunate incident. However, we've moved past it, and hopefully are all the better for it! In the meantime, I'll leave you thinking about those posters above.

L.C.

Theft.

2008-06-24T10:38:00.004-05:00

As I was getting my things together to leave work for the day, my phone rang. It was J, asking if I had gone home for lunch or to take our "borrowed" dog out (we're dogsitting for a friend--Luda the puggle). When I said no, he panicked. Turns out, someone broke into our apartment in the middle of the day, freaked the dog out, and managed to steal the brand new Wii game system we just bought, my laptop, and my silver rings. They didn't touch his guitars or amps or his Daddy's gold watch, most likely because they grabbed whatever they could put under their shirt quickly since the dog was bound to be freaking out in her cage and attracting a little attention from the neighbors.

I flipped out. I came home to J calming the dog down and an officer dusting for prints. One print, but not sure who it belongs to. The neighbor got a decent description and J is the responsible one--he has renter's insurance and we found out it pretty much covers all the stolen items. I was so angry last night. I have no hope they'll catch the thief, though if they did, I'd go down to the station myself and break his nose.

Because in the end, it's not about the material things. We're lucky to have insurance that will cover the items stolen. I know that things will be okay. I'm incredibly sad that my laptop is gone, because I had thousands of pictures from college and all my music on it, including my radio demos. I do get slight satisfaction knowing that once he ripped the cord from the wall, the computer shut itself off. And to get back in, you need a password, so he can't even so much as get to the start menu. We have receipts for everything. The Wii, while a fun toy, is replaceable. The officer got the serial numbers off the boxes so if they show up in a pawn shop, we'll know. J bought me that claddagh ring for Christmas, but he isn't worried. We can get those things back. But when he broke into our place and stole our things, he didn't just steal possessions. He stole a lot more than just that.

My sense of security? Of safety? Gone. When I was a kid, my worst nightmare was not monsters in the closet or vampires under the bed. I had real fears that still exist today. What paralyzed me in my bed at night was the idea that men would see our house and believe us to be rich; they would break into the house, kill my parents and me, and steal all our belongings. Now how do you tell a 10 year that no one will break into your house, take your things and kill you in your sleep? I would go days without sleeping for fear I wouldn't wake up the next morning. Even as a kid, I knew that those things could be replaced, but the idea that someone could get in has terrified me for years. I vowed when I got a more permanent living arrangement, I would get high-security alarm systems and deadbolts. I am now more dedicated to this idea than ever before. Yesterday I hadn't noticed my rings gone. This morning when I noticed my bracelets weren't as neat as they usually are, I realized my silver was gone. I literally felt sick and had to sit down because my only thought was "He went through my things. He touched my stuff."

How anyone can be so cruel is beyond me. How someone could knowingly break into an anonymous person's place and take their things is truly awful. This person doesn't even know me, I haven't done anything to him and yet he takes away my possessions, my evidence of memories, and any sense of safety I had. How dare he? Because he wanted money?

I know that in the end, it will be okay. We're moving in less than a month to somewhere that's more secure (where I will get serious locks installed). We'll get the money back for the items. I know that the most important thing is that I wasn't home. I didn't come home to find some strange man in our apartment rummaging through our things and I wasn't in any immediate danger. He didn't hurt the dog (which I was extremely worried about; it was bad enough she was shaking and crying because she knew what happened was bad). Considering the rash of incidents that happened in the last two weeks at the complex (assault, robbery), I'm lucky. But I will never get that comfort of safety back in that apartment (perhaps I never will anywhere). I was already a paranoid person who was extremely aware of her surroundings; but after an attack where I wasn't even present? I'm going to need some serious medication.

My mother, family, and friends, of course, are there for me. The phone rang all night to check up on us after they got the news. Even the big boss man, who I didn't think would say anything about it, came to my office this morning to say how sorry he was, and asked if it would make me feel better if he sang KISS' song "Dr. Love"...though I politely declined, I had to laugh. My coworker offered up her computer to us if we needed it, which was extremely kind.

I'll be okay. We'll get through it. This happens to thousands of people everyday. It doesn't make it any easier when it happens to you, because you never think it could (unless you're a crazy like me). However, one day it could be you and you just have to deal with it the best you can. But you better believe I'm installing some hardcore security in the future. And I talk a lot of big talk, and I'm a pacifist, but if I get a chance to come face-to-face with the robber...well, there's a good chance the police will have to pull me off him. I'd love to tell him exactly what I think of him for taking away my comfort.

L.C.

"Seeing Things" the Way They Should Be.

2008-06-18T10:36:00.003-05:00

It's extremely rare that an album moves me. I don't just mean a fantastic single or a couple songs you can tap your foot to; I mean physically, emotionally, intellectually stimulate me in a way I didn't think before. Jakob Dylan's new album "Seeing Things" (released June 10, 2008) is one of those albums. I can't stop listening to it.

I'll admit that I'm already biased for this album. After all, I've been in love with Jakob Dylan for years. The Wallflowers appeared in 1990, and perhaps their best known song is "One Headlight" (at least, Lightning 100 here insists on playing it every time I turn on the radio). While at first I enjoyed hearing it on the airwaves, I now get irritated because this group has released far more than just one good song. They've produced 5 albums, all of which I own, and all of which I listen to constantly. They are all strong in their own accord, and each speaks for itself.

The Wallflowers were one of the first bands I ever saw, and it was only 3 years ago. It was a phenomenal outdoor concert in Richmond, VA. We stood in line, ran to the front and I proceeded to drool and pine. Then after the show was ever, I got the greatest present I could've asked for:

He was just as nice as I hoped he would be. I was so starstruck I could barely speak and one of the only things I remember vividly is shoving my camera at Jason and shyly asking for a picture. He said "Oh, having your boyfriend take the picture?" and I just nodded. He put his arm around me and I almost died. As you can see, I was cheesing like a mofo.

I always feel sorry for Jakob as far as interviews and reviews go. Too many people (like last week's review from Rolling Stone) focus on his being Bob Dylan's son, and I don't think that's fair. There's no doubt his father is a legend, one that will be remembered for generations, but Jakob is not his father. He has his own life, views and opinions, and it's not fair for people to try and force him into this box just because of lineage. It's no wonder he's so private about his wife and 4 kids, and it's no wonder he gets annoyed when pestered about his father, or being like him music wise. He writes music because he wants to, because he has a desire to express things from his point of view, and to compare him to his father is unacceptable. How would you like it if I based an idea of you strictly off of what someone else (related or not) did?

Anyways. The point of this is actually about his album. This album moves me, every part of me. Track #5, "Will It Grow," is the most beautiful 4 minutes and 46 seconds I've ever heard in a song. (Quite a statement, I know, but I stand by it.) I literally had tears in my eyes by the time it was over (and then I had to hit repeat). It's not just the lyrics, it's the way the music is being played in addition to them. "Evil is Alive and Well" is also a terrific song. Just think about it; think about his title "Seeing Things." He applies the old style of folk music to today's upside-down world the way he views them. I'm not usually a fan of folk-y music. I like drums and loud bass and a chorus you can belt along with (coincidentally, I'm listening to Coldplay's new album "Viva la Vida" as I type this, which is exactly what I just described). Jakob has soft drums (not even really with drumsticks, but with those "scratching" techniques) in maybe 3 songs in the whole album, while the rest is him, a guitar and a bassist, but it works for me. It's the poetry of his lyrics that make me listen to it over and over.

Jakob Dylan moves me in a way I can't express. I highly recommend this album for anyone who likes folk music, something to make you think, or even just soft background music. There's a good chance I'll be posting some lyrics in the near future.

L.C.

Insomnia.

2008-06-17T07:44:00.002-05:00

I have what some might consider the perfect life. I’m 23 years old and healthy. I live in Nashville, a city with no limits on entertainment and culture. I live in my own apartment; I have a college education and a car that my mother pays the bills on. I work full-time as a marketing associate at a publishing company; I have good friends and an amazing boyfriend of almost five years. He takes care of me when I’m sick, and puts up with whatever my temper throws at him.

And yet.

I sit here, wondering if my life could be better. If the choices I’ve made in the past are the right ones. Some nights (like tonight), I can’t even force sleep upon myself because my brain won’t stop whirring through all the recent events leading up to today. I don’t know how to fix this problem. Or if anyone has the same urgent thoughts. I feel as though I’m not living my life the way I should, and I can’t figure out why, or what it will take to fix this feeling. Every day is flying by; I’m amazed it’s halfway through the year, when it seems like we were just celebrating Christmas. As of today, there are 198 days left in the year. 198. And then it will be a new year, with whatever surprises it has to offer.

I’ve lived in Nashville for a full year now. Sometimes I wonder what I’ve accomplished: two moves, into his old apartment and then to our new one; a part time job; a full time, more permanent job; plans to move into our new house; and a handful of new friends that I’d like to keep around for a while. Is this a productive year? I don’t know. It seems small and juvenile, this list. But then I think, “I graduated college. I moved to another state. I jumped headfirst into a new, huge city to be with the most important person in my life. I did something I never thought I could do.” When I put it that way, it sounds slightly braver, like I accomplished some small feat on my own terms. Some might say not, as this list doesn’t include “made a difference” or “saving the world.” There’s no impact—just a small ripple of waves from my impossibly small cannonball into this pool of society.

I often look at my life, as I do right now, from an outside perspective. I think how strange it is that this apartment and the things in it are mine, that the man sitting next to me watching the Red Sox has become such a permanent fixture in my life, that this isn’t some story in which I am the main character. That man is in all likelihood the person I will spend the rest of my life with, and the rest of my life began a year ago when I stepped foot off that campus and into the real world. It’s surreal. Many times, I feel as though I will wake up at any moment, back at school or my mother’s house, shaking the cobwebs from the distant memories of last year’s dreams.

Would I change the last year? No. Would I make the same choices if I knew the outcome? I honestly don’t know. This isn’t to sound callous, as if I regret anything; I’m weighing the options. Had I made another choice, would the ripple in the pool have been bigger? By choosing another life, would the outcome have been better, or worse? There’s obviously no point to this guessing game, as I’m here enjoying the life I lead now. But being logical doesn’t ever answer the questions. Being logical doesn’t ever quiet my rampaging thoughts.

I don’t know where to go from here. I suppose that’s the reason for my insomnia, for my questioning. The fear of the unknown, of mediocrity and stagnancy, they keep me questioning, keep me backpedaling to wonder how things would be had I chosen a different path. I have this perfect life, and I have no idea if I’m happy with this life. I don’t want a darker or more volatile one. I just wonder if I want a different one. And then of course I think about the steps I would need to take in order to have a different life, and I can’t bear to go further in my mind.

This is where my hope for the future holds. My hope is that in the move to being closer to the city, to friends and events will encourage my involvement to different circumstances. My hope is that I will no longer feel as though I am merely standing still. And then I will know I am happy; that I will no longer question this life and the existence of another one.

If I go another year and these things haven’t happened, if I still feel as uncomfortable and uncertain as I do now? I don’t know. I don’t know what I will make of it. I will probably continue to wonder if I will ever be happy, what it would take to finally be happy. There are times when I feel happy, to be sure. But to have it always, to not feel that pull of uncertainty or the cloud of questions that rains on my parade, would be a new experience.

I'm not depressed or crazy by any means. I have no doubt that everyone else in the world feels the same things and thinks the same thoughts on different days. I try to be sensible and tell myself there's no point to the questions because things are how they are; there's no going back. Only forward. So I have to make the future the best I can make it for myself despite the doubts or uncertainty. That's the only choice I or anyone else have.

Tomorrow is a new day with the same questions. When do I start having new questions? The old questions can never be answered, because they are only "What ifs" with no definitive outcome. And honestly, when people think of their other choices, they think about them as a "better" decision, when really, it could turn out ten times worse.

The problem is that I question my existence far too much. Instead of living life, I think about it too much (and maybe that was all the philosophers' problem--they never actually lived their lives). The problem is that I live my life the way I think I should, the way it's expected of me, and not always the way I want to. Maybe if I break the cycle, even a little bit, I will feel freer. We are always held back by something--parents, school, work, money--and I want to disengage from the reigns of responsibility. But it's hard to do when so much is expected of you. When you have to be responsible every second of every day.

But to have one moment, one memory that's all yours, no one else's, with no questions or regrets...just one moment with no promise of the future because the only thing that matters is the present...that is something I want to look into.