I've been working on this post for a while now. I'm sorry for the lack of communication. When I'm not at my store, I'm at my studio. I try to make plenty of room for nice relaxing free time, but that usually involves any and all avoidance with computers.
My grandfather passed away last Saturday afternoon. I got the call while at work. Sunday morning, I left for my mom's house; the second I arrived, we left for my grandmother's in North Carolina. It was what I expected: the wake left us all speechless with the number of friends my Nannie has; the funeral was sad and tearful; the ride was long and quiet; the milkshakes at Varner's were just as delicious as I remembered them; and my mom and aunt together are still the funniest people I know.
I suppose I should be sad. I was sad at the funeral, when my closest cousin gave a speech, mentioning how our Pawpaw used to dress up as Santa for Christmas, torture us with fishing shows on Saturday mornings, and how we all had little secret sayings/riddles/memories with him. But then she mentioned how 14 years ago, he had a heart transplant. How everyday, he had to take 50 pills for the last 14 years. How at night, he could hardly breathe or couldn't move quickly. My pawpaw has been sick for as long as I can remember. 2 months ago, he was diagnosed with lung cancer; the battle overtook him, and he went fast. My Nannie is doing so well. We were all worried, but I think it's been coming for so long that it's just one more thing to adjust to in her life. I can't even believe how well she's doing. She's barely left Brevard in 15 years, and you know one of the things she said to me in private? That she wants to come visit my mother and me and spend a long weekend together. I was warmly surprised, because I know I don't have to cry for her. She's spent her entire life taking care of everyone else, and now she can finally take care of herself. She can leave whenever she wants, take trips to see her daughters and granddaughters; eat when she wants, clean for herself, and watch whatever she wants to on TV.
I had one of those revelations again. You know the kind, where you're sitting at the funeral and realize just how short and small life really is. It hits me even more when I'm at work, listening to other people's conversations. I hear about how a mother has to get her kid to the soccer game/birthday party or when they all make plans to have dinner one night a week. And it reminds me that everything we think is important, usually isn't. I know that I can say "I'll try harder" in regards to family visits, communication with others, and remembering birthdays. And I will, but I'm realistic enough to know it will only last for a short period before my life gets in the way and I forget to check in with reality once in a while.
This isn't a sad post. It really isn't. Life is good. I have two great jobs that allow me to live in an unbelievable apartment, a steady relationship, a silly dog, family close to me, and both best and new friends. I guess it's just when you go to a funeral, everyone's always saying "It's been so long, we can't let the next time we see each other be at an event like this, let's see each other more often!" And you mean it at the time, you really do. But everyone has different schedules and obligations. For example, I'll never have another Saturday off for as long as I work at my shop. So I need to take the weekdays I have off and use them as best I can. While it may mean I'll miss all my nephew's Saturday morning soccer games, it also means that I could take that Tuesday night to spend with him while it's quiet after school and homework, away from chaotic weekends and summer vacations. So that's what I'll do. I just have to use my time to the best of my advantage. I have goals and haven't lost sight of my dreams, but I accept that sometimes reality steps in just to remind me that I can't always live in my daydreams. While I'm 100% certain I will go to Rome, I have to understand it might not be within the next few months. It will take time to acquire the necessary things (you know, like money for the plane ticket). My life has gotten busier, almost as much as my senior year in college, but this time I'm learning something. Where in college, I was so busy I could hardly see straight, this go round I'm appreciating the time I have for myself when I actually have it.
I suppose this is where I'm supposed to say "Carpe diem" and "Live like you mean it" and all those other cliched phrases. But I don't want to--instead, I'll simply remind you to truly enjoy something every day. Doesn't matter what it is. Even if you're having a bad day where nothing can go right, you need to find something that will make you smile. Sometimes, for me, it's a nice conversation with a customer or a wonderful compliment from your boss. Could be sitting on the couch with your dog in your lap...that's usually mine. You are the only person who can let yourself have a terrible day. I know people who have terrible days and still can't be brought down, even if it's hospital stay with a bad head wound after a bike accident, a new mother with breast cancer, elderly people with serious sickness. My grandfather had a lot of terrible days, but he never let it get him down. I never saw him anything but happy to be alive, grateful for his 2nd heart that kept him around for 14 more years with his family. Those people are inspiring and I think of them to get me through every day.
Remember--one thing you truly enjoy every day.
LC.
here we go.
1 day ago
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