Goodbye Nashville.

It's 11.58pm on Monday night and I cannot sleep to save my life. My brain won't quit whirring away, remembering things I need to do. I had to get out of bed and come to the computer just to write up what wound up being a very long to-do list. I have to finish packing--my clothes are pretty much all done away, but I have to finish the kitchen and bathroom. J wants no part in packing if he can avoid it, but it shouldn't take me long and I don't mind. Basically, I'm taking charge of this and seeing it as an opportunity to throw out things we don't need, don't use, don't want (which funnily enough, I'm finding is a lot of his stuff). Useless utensils, raggedy towels, dinged up pans, and the like are included. I need to write and mail bills, go over the lease papers one more time, and leave J as many instructions as possible so that everything gets taken care of and nothing is forgotten.
Tuesday...now today...is my final day here. The morning will be spent packing as much as possible so that the afternoon can be spent with T&M. Then B comes over for a baseball game and our favorite East Nashville pizza. And Wednesday morning I stuff the car with as much as I can possibly fit, and I say goodbye to Nashville.
This whole situation hasn't hit me yet. I feel like I'm just going home for another visit. To think that after 2 years of being here, I'll be saying goodbye to this city as a citizen for the final time, is still unreal to me. And while I'm not bitter about anything that's happened, it's certainly bittersweet. I had my best friends here Friday night and I couldn't have asked for a better night with these people. Sunday I had a girls' afternoon and after I left M's house, I'll admit I got a little teary-eyed, as I'm doing now just writing this. I hope my friends know that I couldn't have done this, lived this life, without them. They are the reason I gutted through--put up with terrible customers and even worse employers, got up in the mornings after Oliver died, picked myself up after all the falls. I'm not as sad as I was leaving college, though. And I don't mean that because I'm leaving to be closer to home or with a great job; I mean that I feel as though these people here will always be in my life, even if it's through Facebook. I will come back to visit, and they know there's always a space for them wherever I may be. When I left college, I knew I wouldn't see many people again, if ever. But with my friends here, it's different. We're adults, and we have busy lives, but they're all wonderful enough to take 4 seconds out of their day to text or message me just to see how things are going, and I refuse to let the friendships fade away. I don't feel that will ever change. It's different this time.
I drove home yesterday and got my last tour through the city. I'll certainly miss the skyline--it's perhaps my favorite part of Nashville. The stadium against the Batman building with the walking bridge, all lit up at night...it's gorgeous and I've loved it since the first time I saw it. But I took the long way home and recounted the memories-the hotel R&I had to sneak into so we could use the bathroom after a long night of drinking downtown; 4th & Church where my first real job is located; Sommet Center and the Ryman with all the concerts; Titans Stadium for the fun football games; the Italian Marketplace where I took my language classes; and 5 Points, where so many of my favorite places and memories are held.
I'm nervous about moving, about living in Roanoke. I haven't been nervous until recently, when it gets a little closer each day. I worry about getting around without getting incredibly lost; making friends when I'll really only interact with one specific person each day; working 50 hours a week and proving my ass off; trying to find my identity. I'm concerned about culture shock--I had it when I first came here, from a small town to a huge city, where I grew to love unique individuals with tattoos and piercings, crazy hairstyles and even louder outfits. I will desperately miss East Nashville and all the people and activities that came with it. I'm scared that when I go back to southwest Virginia, I will miss the unique people and laidback attitude, and encounter nothing but rednecks and people who I grew to despise in my own hometown. Perhaps I will be the odd one because I dress like East Nashville, talk and act like a city slicker. I'm already bracing myself for the surprised looks I'll get when I say I'm from Nashville and the "Why the hell did you move HERE, then?!" questions. It's funny--I'm not scared at all about the job, I'm in love with my apartment, and yet I'm worried about my own place there, how I'll fit in. Or if I even want to fit in, if I'd rather bring East Nashville back with me and run myself the way I did in college, where I took the microphone rather than melted into the backstage the way I've done the past couple years. I have so many ideas and opinions for the studio and I'm worried he'll think it's too over the top. I feel better when I think about E's cousin, because now we're friends and while at 18, I never saw us seeing eye to eye, now I feel like we get along because I can appreciate her individuality just like I did with people at 3 Crow.
This move feels like a fresh start, and certainly under better circumstances than when I moved here. I have my best friend 2 floors above me and I'm a better person when I'm around her because we encourage each other to catch the moon. I have this amazing job that I could make a career in and I have so many ideas and things I want to bring to the table. Silly as it sounds, my apartment is so great it makes me want to be a better tenant--I'm an OCD person and I know it's going to be really bad there, especially at first because I'll want everything clean and in a certain way. I guess I just feel like everything's finally coming together and while I'm terrified it'll fall apart when I least expect it, I also have to acknowledge that it feels like fate. For my life to come together this way, at this specific time, in Roanoke with this job, I just don't see how it could be anything else.
It's now 12.25, and I'm saying goodbye to Nashville tomorrow. I won't say I'm sad, because that's incorrect. But I'm fairly certain a few tears may escape me as I pass the skyline. No matter--it won't stop me from my future.
LC