Overcoming the Struggle.

Hey.

So I've been struggling lately. My blog has been severely ignored and I apologize for the lack of communication. I haven't been interested in talking with many people; I've had no desire to live outside of my house. I'm still grieving over Oliver. And because I've been down and out over him, this has made life difficult in every other aspect, including work, my friendships, and my relationship. I can become angry or simply fall apart at the smallest things. I've taken it out on anyone who will come close enough to talk to me. I've ignored phone calls and emails and feel scatterbrained because I'm so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start. I know I'm not myself. It's the smallest bit easier every day to move on, but I still can't look at his photos without tearing up or talk about him without taking a deep breath to prepare myself for the onslaught of emotions I'm bound to encounter.

We got a new dog this past weekend. He's a Jack Russell terrier that we named Fisher. He's cute as a button and about as different from Oliver as two sweet dogs can be. Fisher is hyper, constantly wanting to play, stubborn and shy. Oliver wanted nothing more than to plunk himself down on my lap and chill out, and I always had a fear he'd accidentally walk away with a stranger. Fisher might be a lap dog eventually, but not yet. He can hardly sit still, and he chooses to lay in his crate than with me on the couch, which I admit hurts my feelings, as silly as it sounds. I've been trying really hard, but a few times a day I catch myself thinking of how Oliver would never behave or do something like Fisher does. I know that's not fair to Fisher. He's a good, sweet dog who is trying to get adapted to his new surroundings. It's been 4 days, hardly enough time to get over the confusion he must be going through. He's been taken from his farm family and thrown into a house with strange noises and hopeful owners, and I know logically that he will never live up to my memories of Oliver because they are not the same dog.

I can't keep comparing them. It's unfair for everyone involved. I worry that we got a dog too soon. But J loves him and I'll admit that seeing him so excited when I come home is something I dearly love. I just worry if he's my dog. Because right now, he seems more like J's, constantly following him around and jumping up with him in the chair. Mom suggested that after a while we get another dog if Fisher is up for it. I'm considering it. At least then I know that I'd have saved 2 dogs from loneliness. And maybe helped ease my own.

I'm impatient and that makes the whole situation worse. I want everything to speed up--both the grieving process over Oliver and Fisher's getting comfortable in the house with us, among other things.

And then I read two blogs today. Two of my closest friends have somehow gotten into my brain to write to me about not just grief, but living life. M wrote this about loss. And then E wrote this about not just grieving over loss, but moving on and living your life.
The thing about being depressed...no one WANTS to be this way. No one wants to feel this sad and empty. And I know that this won't be forever. I won't let it get to me like that. I won't let it win. I've been through tough times before in my life, and in the end, it worked out certain ways for a reason. It's my (24th) birthday Friday and even though I could care less, for some reason I feel like I'm owed a good day. March just hasn't been my month this year and I don't want to feel like the universe is out to get me, but especially not on my birthday. Weird, right?

But E said it best: Life goes on. The world continues to spin and no one stops their lives just because another person loses a dog or a person or a job. And that goes for everyone, including myself. I still have to get up and go to work, come home and make dinner. But I need to be more proactive. I need to paint and write instead of watch TV. I haven't touched my camera in nearly 2 weeks and that is so unlike me. I have a trip to prepare for, research to do. In short, I have a life to live and no one is going to do it for me. As for Fisher, I'm finding we both are pretty similar. We're both stubborn and independent. But we're also both a little lost and trying to get into a comfort zone so that we can move on and enjoy our lives. It may be a bit deep for a dog's life, but I feel it's all the same.

Everyone wants to be happy. But it's not always going to come to you. Sometimes you have to go after it. And when you get it, that can make it even better because you went through a lot of things to get to that happiness. That's going to be me. I don't know when or how, but it will be.

LC.