My Mind is Being Weighed Down.

(Editor's note: This is my emo picture. It's about 3 years old. No, my hair is not that red. Nor am I usually this pouty.)

You know that saying about resting the weight of the world on your shoulders? The last couple of weeks has been weight on my mind instead. I feel slow, dulled, like a shiny object that has lost its sheen. I am not a pessimistic person, and this feeling will not last forever. But temporarily, at least for this week, I feel as though the weight will cave in and my brain won't be able to handle it.
The problems are not all mine--there's been bad news left and right this week for myself and those around me. It mostly all happened on Monday, which isn't really the best start to a week. Some things fell apart first thing that Monday morning at work. It's C's last week and I'm already missing her at her desk desperately, hoping that her replacement will be just as wonderful. My heart absolutely broke when my close friend informed me her dog had died a few nights before due to a tragic car accident (just for the record, if anything were to happen to Oliver like that, don't expect to see me out of bed for days). Another friend called me that evening to inform me that her mother has a benign tumor in her pituitary gland that must be removed. I've been swamped at work with a million different things that has me feeling overwhelmed and completely lost.
I am not a complainer. I'm typically positive and upbeat and I try my hardest to look at the sunny side up of things. But this week, I've been slow moving and full of sighs; caffeine can't even give me the much-needed jolt I need. My mom worries I'm overdoing it all, but I don't think I'm doing any more than I used to at school (because classes, whether anyone believes this or not, ARE like a full time job. You go to classes anywhere from 12-20 hours a week, then there's the studying, writing and everything else to go with it which in my case equaled well past 40 hours). It's not my classes--I love them. I adore learning new Italian words and using them in conversation. Learning the technical side of photography is tough, but fascinating. But as my mom reminded me, that's two evenings out of my week and then the past few weeks I've been out 3 or 4 nights a week for photo-related business, meetings with people, and trying to make time for friends. I'm never alone at home because I live with a boy and a dog, so it's rarely quiet. I told C I needed a vacation from everything, but I'll be in San Diego this time next month so I feel like I can't take a day "just because." (Besides, what would I do? Sit and rot my brain out on TV? No thank you.)
And yet as slow as I feel, my brain still can't stop racing. I'm constantly running photography techniques, Italian phrases, art projects, Photoshop tips, plots and punchlines through my head. Nevermind the daydreams, hopes, ideas and witticisms. I just can't seem to focus in on one specific thing when I need it, and it makes me feel totally lost. I feel unorganized and scatterbrained, and that may be my least favorite thing ever. I abhor feeling scatterbrained because I am not that person. 90% of the time, I am organized, methodical, and thoughtful. But this week has been that 10% where I'm all over the place with no root or starting point. T said I seemed "burnt out" and I guess that's the best term for it. I am burnt out. I don't even know the last day I had time to myself and then when I get even a second of time alone, I either feel guilty or start thinking of the other things I should be doing like calling family, writing letters, going to the gym or walking the dog. I'm a responsible person and I don't like leaving things undone, especially once they're started. But because of this overwhelmed feeling, I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to recharge my batteries. While I don't want to run away from problems or situations, I'm mostly just trying not to charge my credit card with a one-way plane ticket to Italy for an undisclosed amount of time.
E and I joked about that saying for March "In like a lion and out like a lamb." There's been one hell of a lion running around so far, and it's only day 5 of March. I'm really looking forward to seeing the fuzzy, loving lamb any day now.
LC.