Heartbroken.

Last night, I went to wash the dishes. Before starting, I heard this terrible retching noise and when I went to see, it was Oliver in the living room. He was vomiting and when he saw me, he looked so guilty, like he knew he wasn't supposed to be sick on the carpet. I was too worried to care. I coaxed him, told him it was okay, and took him out to the front porch. Instead of eating grass, he tried to stand up, swayed, and collapsed. I panicked, called Jason screaming on the phone to come home, and then Teri to get the number for the emergency vet care. No one in East Nashville is open past 6. I sat there with my dog on the front porch, sobbing hysterically until Jason came home and we jumped in the car and headed over to West Nashville. Oliver looked terrible, twitching and lifeless, unresponsive to my begging and soothing. He looked at me like he knew he was dying. After making Jason stop once off the highway, I tried to get Oliver to be sick so he could clear his throat, but it wasn't working. He was like a rag doll. We raced to the pet ER and slammed in, only to be told that they weren't open yet and the doctors weren't there. I fell to my knees, my dog in my arms, sobbing for help. She let us in and we waited, with Oliver on a towel on a chair, me over top of him petting him. I saw the light go out in his eyes, felt his heart stop, felt how cold he was becoming so quickly. Jason refused to accept it. He took him into the exam room when the technician came. I sat there in the waiting room, dully realizing my sweet boy was gone. Jason walked out after a few minutes and I may have looked at him. He pulled me out of the chair and said "Baby, I'm sorry." And I fell apart. I know I wailed and cried, like a mother who just lost her child. Jason went back in to talk to the nurse; I called Erica. After letting her know, I went back in and Jason said we could see him. I went in and hugged his body, kissed his face, rubbed his ears. Jason had to drag me away from him. I left a piece of my heart with him in that room.

I called my mom on the way home. She cried for me. I told her that the technician thinks it may have been his heart. That it didn't look to be anything we could control, because it may have been a condition he already had that we didn't know. I'm terrified to think it could've been something I did. But logically, going over and over the scenario, there was nothing different we did from any other day, and nothing I could've done to prevent this. I know this; it just doesn't make it any easier right now. Once in the house, Jason took up the carpet and threw it out, along with the bed and all of his toys and treats, and put the crate in the back room. The living room looks so empty without his toys all over the floor. The house feels so empty without him clicking through rooms while he follows me everywhere. My lap is empty without him sitting in it. Last night I cried in bed for hours. Then I woke up this morning, looked in the corner of the room where Oliver was supposed to be in his bed, and broke down again. I said just 2 weeks ago after Teri's dog died, that if something happened to Oliver, I'd be in bed for days. I want nothing more than to be in bed, but I'm too scared to be at home alone, after I spent so much time with him yesterday just being together on the couch. I look around my house and hate the silence, hate the feeling that something is missing. I don't want to be at work, where I'm clearly falling apart, but I know that I'd be worse if I stayed home and thought about him all day with nothing to distract me. I'm scared to go home by myself this evening and not have him greet me at the door, tail wagging and doing his dance to go outside. I'm so worried to wake up tomorrow, a Saturday, and not have him laying in bed with me until it's time to get up.

I feel lost. I don't know what to do and I'm still in such shock. His death was so sudden and it's so unfair that this happened. He was the perfect dog. He was well-behaved, smart, funny, and so happy. It was the best 2 months with him. And it sounds so silly--to be this upset over a dog I had for only 2 months. But he was MY dog, and I was expecting another 10 years with him. He made my life so much happier and he enamored every single person that came near him. He simply had to greet every person in the dog park. He had to sit in your lap the second you sat on the couch. He had to lick you to death. He never barked. He loved everyone.

I just don't understand how this happened. I miss him so much already. I'm a wreck and while I know logically it will be okay, right now it feels impossible. We had so many plans for the summer...the dog park, long walks, sitting in the yard with the sunshine. Now he'll never get to see it. He was the best dog. He's gone far too soon. My heart is in a million pieces.

Oliver, you made my life so much better. I will miss you so, so much. There may be other dogs, but I know there will never be another like you.